Daydreaming Fool

Whatcha Talkin' 'Bout?!

2012-03-05T11:06:00.000-05:00

It is no great secret that I am a little bit of a twitter addict. Well. Unless you don't know that secret. Then it might be a secret. But if you're reading this it's not a secret. Or it shouldn't be. Get with the times, yo. My name is Erin and I have twitteritis. That's where I tweet incessantly. Probably about bacon and goats. Or something of an equally confusing nature.

ANYWAY.

So I'm a big talker. This is nothing new. Twitter is just a completely different and fun form of talking. Mostly about ridiculous and/or awesome things.

Our days. The weather. Cupcakes. Goats. What we're having for dinner. How we can't stand _(fill in the blank) (probably talking about cucumbers here) (if you're me)_____.

Now - I'm not biased at all - but my twitter family? The people I interact with on twitter? They're kind of THE BEST PEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. (Yes, you. Right there. If we've talked even just once on twitter?That means you're AWESOME. Also? Don't be shy. I don't bite. Much.)

Anywho. So we're all having these public conversations and jumping back and forth between each others convos - laughing and talking and offering virtual hugs and wishing we had magical jets where we could visit each other and laugh and be ridiculous in person.

Since that's not EXACTLY possible...we make do with the magical powers of the internet.

But you see - as we're talking in this completely public forum, there are also all sorts of magical SECRET conversations happening.

How do I know this?

Because sometimes *I* have secret magical conversations.

Sometimes they're about life and how much it sucks. And sometimes it's about stupid things. Sometimes it's venting. Sometimes it's real, honest conversations. Sometimes it's discussions and sharing. Sometimes it's OMG WHAT THE WHAT?!

Sometimes though - there are just private messages flying down my screen in a rapid succession of hilarious conversations. And if I'm talking about pretend goat farmer spies, being a facebook slut or wondering how to get little punks off our lawns? ..What is everyone ELSE talking about?

Yeah. Cat - I'd like you to meet curiosity. Now - TRY NOT TO DIE.

So. In conclusion: To stop me from going insane wondering what everyone is talking about in magical secret private twitter conversations....DM's, inboxes and other private things should totally be made public.

You know. Unless they're mine.

That'd just be creepy.

I mean - I can't have you knowing that I'm a facebook slut or a goat spy, can I?

The Other Side

2012-03-01T19:56:00.003-05:00

She calls me a dozen times over the span of a few hours. To ask a question. To find out if she can throw out some things she found in my closet. To ask what I think she should make for dinner. Just to..chat.

My shoulders get tense and my head starts to ache.

I think back to the days previous. The last weeks.

Examining moments from the past.

The late nights out. The new friends. The lunches. The questions. The obsessive cleaning. The late bedtimes. The early mornings. The phone calls. The parties. The NEW! FUN! THINGS! The reckless spending. The endless twirling around doing everything but accomplishing nothing.

I love her so much...and she means so much to me..She's the only Mom I've got...and in spite of everything and anything..she's always done everything she possibly could for me when she can..

..But as I look back over the days and weeks that have recently passed I understand my own lack of patience. I have no patience when it comes to her when she ends up like this. Moments of empty promises and twirling and flitting about have made me angry and frustrated at anything as soon as it begins.

I feel like I'm always sitting on the edge of something, waiting for life to shatter. Just when I've got comfortable and generally okay...the Ferris Wheel that has ruled my entire life starts spinning all over again.

And as I sit here listening to her talk about how she woke up at 4am and re-organized the freezer I can feel myself freaking out. When I listen to a conversation where she's so excited she can barely contain herself, or answer her endless questions...the worry creeps into my bones.

I'm transported back to my childhood and my entire body is rapt with fear. Will she end up in countries not remembering how she got there? Will the police take her away? Will she disappear without a trace? Will she say things she regrets, do things she regrets or be things she regrets? Or this time will she 'just' drag everything and anything out of closets and cupboards...re-organizing until she crashes...leaving a wake of mess in her trail.

How far is it going to go? How bad will it get? Will there always be a logical explanation in her mind to explain it all? Will it be all our fault? All my fault?

How long will it be before she crashes and crawls into bed and doesn't get out for days? How long will it be before it's been weeks since she's bought groceries? How long will it be before she's crying for no reason at all...at everyone, at anything. How long will it be before she refuses to go to work?

I love her so much..but this isn't her. I don't know where she is. The normal, level headed, completely crazy but yet so smart and sane woman I call Mom.

And my heart can't help but ache as my body is tense and I am bathing in frustration as I watch her spin out of control...once again. She calls me crying, asking why I'm upset with her. And while I'm starting to respond - she interrupts the conversation to ask me how to check her email and inquire if I've eaten dinner. She's completely forgotten her previous questions. Which would be why she asks them half a dozen times in the course of one conversation. And then relays completely incorrect information to anyone else who will listens. Finally breaking down crying again and telling me that she's just so tired, but when I tell her to go and rest, to lie down and sleep..she claims she can't sleep, she has too much to do and she's not really tired after all. She's got so much energy she's got to get some things done.

So I sit in the spinning silence and wish there was a solution.

I want to scream. I want to shake my fists. I want to curl into a ball.

I want off this damn roller coaster.

I want my mom back.

But most of all?

As much as I love her?

I don't want to deal with this.

Not right now. Not ever.

..Not even a little bit.

Technological Perils

2012-02-27T22:07:00.000-05:00

Today my Mom asked me to help with with the internet.

Granted, pretty much whenever she has to do anything besides stream CBC radio or play tetris on a computer, you can bet she's asking for directions. Especially since the only reason she doesn't ask how to stream CBC or play tetris is because she has written directions detailing exactly how to get to those two things directly beside her computer. ALWAYS.

But today, her work asked her to set up her work email.

They had given her a link. Given her her username. Given her her password.

All they wanted her to do was GO to said link, log in with said username and password and change said password so that it wasn't a security issue.

So I walked her through that. With the 'Click on the BIG! COLOURED! CHANGEPASSWORD BUTTON!' And the 'No. That is NOT the change password button.' 'No SERIOUSLY. It's RIGHT THERE.' Head + Desk.

Long story short....we lived. That's saying a lot.

So she logs in and goes...OH MY! I ALREADY HAVE MESSAGES! HOW DID KATE SEND ME SO MANY MESSAGES? HOW DID SHE KNOW I WAS SETTING UP MY EMAIL RIGHT NOW?! That Kate is a SNEAKY one!

And after a brief explanation of how A) How the internet works and B) how to open said emails (Click here. No. Not there. HERE. No. HEEEEEEEEEEERE. ZOMG JUST LEMME DO IT, WOODYA.) she opened the ones she had recieved, and started diligently responding.

Until you know, I pointed out that they set up her account for her before she logged in.

And her emails were from AUGUST.

Technology...it's...umm...not for everyone.

Apparently.

Life, Death & Everything Else.

2012-02-26T22:48:00.000-05:00

Today was the celebration of life for my SIL's mother. I have to say that I generally hate these sorts of things. I hate crying in front of people. I hate that I have absolutely ZERO will power to NOT cry (Erm. BAWL.) in front of people.

I generally do not feel like attending wakes/funerals/services helps me to deal with grief, and makes me cry ug-ily in front of a lot of people. I generally cry uncontrollably - and along with making people uncomfortable - makes me feel like a big giant doofus face. Plus - I hate that I never know what to say or how to say it...even when it's people I love dearly. Especially when it's people I love so dearly. Sorry is never enough, even if it's all you can say. Hugs are never enough, even when it's all you can do.

But this was one of the 'nicest' ones I've had to go to. As bizarre as that may sound.

There was no long service, instead there was one of her oldest and best friends talking briefly about her life, her involvement in the community, her friends, and most importantly - her family.

The walls were lined with thousands of pictures from the time she was a little girl, through her adolescence, to the time she got married, had her three babies and watched them grow up into the people they are today.

The rooms were stuffed fill of people. Sad for a loss, but relieved that her years of suffering is over - even though (as was echoed throughout the rooms by everyone) you would have never known how much she was suffering - even at the worst of times.

It was filled with family, friends, colleagues - all combing through pictures - laughing, awwing and remembering moments both near and far. Seeing glimpses from each others involvement in her life and seeing her entire life put forth for people to recall the woman she was.

Slightly more than a week had already passed - so many people had been able to grieve privately, cry to themselves, and begin to start to come to terms with the loss. Though all will feel a deep loss in their hearts for so long, for forever, it was not a time to cry and be sad - even though it quite easily could have been easy to mope and be sad - the general consensus of everyone there was to smile and remember and share stories. To laugh at old pictures, tell silly stories and be thankful for all of the years that were had. To live in the moment, to catch up with the people who had come to say they were sorry to a family who had lost someone so important in their lives, and to just...be.

It was bizarre, sad, lovely and...fitting...all in one. Opened my eyes to a few things. Made me think about some others. Made me think about life. Made me think about death.

Made me think.

The only conclusion I could come to? Life is bizarre, unpredictable and slightly insane.

And by slightly? I mean entirely.

Cue, mind spinning.

Some more.

When It's Never Enough...

2012-02-17T13:34:00.001-05:00

Over the years I have seen people try to meld together families through marriage with varying degrees of success. It's not easy being in a family with people, let alone getting people to fit into your already established family when you're use to your own life and your own family and all of the unique bits and pieces that comes with it.

My brother got really lucky when he fell in love. He did a good job finding someone who he loves, who fits into his life. She gets him and he gets her. They lean on each other when they're down and feed off of each other to make themselves better. They're both amazing people individually, and together make a great pair who work together and make their lives better. Not only that? But my brothers wife fits so perfectly into our family that it's hard to imagine ever thinking about our family without her in it.

I got really lucky when my brother fell in love. We all did.

I was lucky, because I got a built in friend, and eventually, a sister in law. We've worked together, laughed together and been hell bent on being ridiculous together. We have inside jokes, tease each other and pass the salt without being asked. We have 'work lunches' out - where no work was accomplished, unless you count working out our abs in the form of laughter. We've taken classes together, smiled over happy things and recounted the sad as we hugged each other. We've traveled together, stood at the point where two oceans meet, pet a cheetah and climbed mountains together. She listens to me rant and rave about the latest drama in my life and I listen to hers. We talk about all of the crazy things happening in the world together and make plans, wishes and dreams for the future together. She puts her head down and does what needs to be done, she's solid as a rock and inspires me daily in the way that she faces life.

She has jumped right in and was the best possible addition to our family in every way possible. She's worked with us, lived with us and traveled with us like I can't imagine anyone else except family doing. My parents had no hesitation in buying her a plane ticket and bringing her with us for a family wedding halfway around the world, they had no hesitation in helping them buy their own farm and house - that is what you do for family, and even before it was official - she had already made herself a permanent fixture in our family. She just..fit.

With her came her brother and sister, and her parents. As odd as it may seem - they became almost like family too. We got lucky with all of them. All three kids have worked for us on the farm at one point or another throughout the years. There have been birthday celebrations, we've had dinner parties at home, gone to community events together or just grabbed a bite to eat out somewhere. Our parents all get along so well that they do things on their own - go our for dinner, have talks, or just be there for each other.

As life went on, it got harder...as it always seems to do.

Her mom got sick, and then sick again and sick again. My mom was her friend, but over the years ran into her all over the place as you do in small towns, even being her nurse at various points. They laughed and cried together, went to doctors appointments together, went out for lunch together, and made promises to each other to always look out for the others family. And of course they did things that only mothers who are insistent on embarrassing their children can do, and our mothers do so well - especially together.

Each time that the doctors granted her body clear of cancer for another while, I wanted to thank the universe for giving her more time. For giving her family more time. For giving us more time. For giving the world more time. But now my heart breaks - because time is up, and now cancer has left this family with a big wide gaping hole in it. It has taken a mother from its children, a wife from her husband and a friend that was a friend to so many. And it makes me angry, it makes me sad, it breaks my heart and it feels so real but so surreal.

Last year around this time when she got sick again, and I wrote about how we needed more time - and we were lucky - there was more time. Fifty one more weeks. Almost an entire year. Sunday dinners with her kids, birthdays and holidays and hugs and kisses, the chance to watch her youngest child get married - and even an eye roll or two knowing her. I'm so glad they got that time, but at the same time, as I sit here, thoughts and memories running through my head, looking through photos and wishing there was something, anything that I could do...all I can think about is how it's not enough. It's not fair.

But if there is anything I have learned in my 20 something years, it's that life is short, that time flies by, and that life is just not fair. That despite everything and anything...you have to take it as it comes. You need to hug your loved ones tight, and do your best to enjoy, love and cherish each other, the moments you have. To live in the moments you have with each other. To do your best to love each day that you are here, with the people you have to share it with.

Because even if you're lucky to live a hundred years - I'm not sure that there will never be enough time.

For A Moment..

2012-01-29T00:26:00.001-05:00

My moods have been all over the map, this is a fact.

I swing from one extreme to the other like it's nothing.

Happy. Sad. Excited. Bummed. Angry. Elated.

You name it? I am it.

Sometimes over the course of a few hours.

But when it's just me and The Babe..?

Time seems to stop..

His laughs make me laugh.

His smiles make me smile.

We twirl around the room dancing and I don't ever want to stop.

He invites me into his world.

We babble back and forth.

Cuddle as we read books.

We make up our own games of make believe..

Have tickle wars in a giant pile of stuffed animals..

Our time together is littered with kisses, hugs and everything sweet..

I have no time for worrying or anxiety...

He melts away the negativity with nothing more than a smile and a tug of my hand as he drags me back to his world.

As time goes on and he tires...I wrap him up in his favourite baby blanket...and we gently rock back and forth.

He strokes my face and as his eyes flutter shut..I sing to him..

The same song we've sang to him since he was a wee wee wee babe..

Before you go to sleep

Say a little prayer

Every day in every way
It’s getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we’ll both just have to be patient
’cause it’s a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it’s a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you’re busy making other plans..

As he drifts off with a smile on his face I hope he is always this happy. This wonderful.

For the moment..The ups and downs and twists and turns that rule my life stop..

..I sigh sighs of contentedness...and for a moment...enveloped in happiness....I just...am.

Freak Show. No Extra Charge.

2012-01-26T00:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm completely insane.

The following is me trying to explain my insanity and the ups and downs of the life of Erin with drawings and words.

It probably makes no sense.

And probably just scares people.

Click to enlarge. IF YOU DARE.

There you have it. How my brain flip flops in my head while I try to find that unattainable balance.

Confused yet?

That's just a free party gift for stopping by.

You win.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I Find It Kind Of Funny...And I Find It Kind Of Sad..

2012-01-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

It's an odd thing, this life thing.

It seems that we mostly go about passively. As though life happens to us. And so? It does. We go about doing the things that need to be done. We go about living our lives. And while we're doing all of the things that need to be done, life tends to pass us by. It happens when we're not looking.

How often do we (collectively, as a society) say 'I can't believe it's the end of another year' 'Where has the week gone' - and on and on and on.

Life floats about, we go about life and things happen that we can barely conceive.

We blink and life happens. For better, for worse, for whatever may come - it happens.

-------------

It's an odd thing..this life.

Fog surrounds me most days. Making me unable to remember where I've been or see where I want to go.

I do things in slow motion.

I feel as though I'm climbing through jello.

So - I don't do anything at all.

Unless you count banging my head against the wall.

That, I'm becoming quite proficient at.

--------------

It's an odd thing, this life is...

To be consumed with the idea that if you do enough, be enough, are enough...it will all be okay.

Yet frustrating to never do enough or be enough to do or be..anything.

Except ridiculous. And selfish. And so annoying you can't stand the sight of yourself.

...To feel as though you're spinning in circles without going anywhere or doing anything.

To decide so long ago that things needed to happen. That you couldn't handle this anymore..

Only to wake up one day and realise that all of the things you have been fighting for, all of the things you are trying to change, all of the things you want out of life..have been let go. That in your fight to find yourself, you've lost yourself once more.

The ups and downs and twists and turns...tricking you into making you think there is progress, that you will be the person you want to be...only to find yourself lying on the floor with tears streaming down your face - and the only thing left is the bleak realization that nothing has changed. That by trying to be the person you want to be..you've ended up being the same person you hated all along.

-----------

It's an odd thing, this life...

That with so many things, we have the power to do things, to be things, to change things.

We so often don't actively go about our lives...

We make do. We get by. We let our lives live us..because we're just trying to survive, to hold our breaths underwater long enough to survive without drowning.

And when we finally come up for a breath..we only manage to gasp deep breaths of fresh air before we end up below the surface once again.

Watching our lives pass us by.. blinking as the years pass us by.

Completely surrounded by fog.

Completely and totally lost.

-----------

It's an odd thing, this life..

Nothing like what you imagine.

Nothing like how you thought it would be.

Some days it is far too much to handle.

Others - you could use another round or two..just to make do.

For better. For worse. For whatever it may be.

It goes on.

Even when we're too tired to move...

Even when we're beyond done..

Even when we don't know how to exist anymore..

Even when we hate everything we have become...

Even when we don't want it to...

..It goes on.

On and on and on.

That Awkward Naked Girl.

2012-01-19T00:07:00.002-05:00

A while ago I explained my dislike of massages...

To recap? They're touchy and feely and full of strangers. They're generally full of awkwardness that makes me uncomfortable.

I decided that I would really like them if they weren't so stupidly awkward.

Because they are. Stupid stupid STUPID awkward.

Or at least, they were.

Now? After having one once a week for the last...while? At least six weeks?

It's not really that big of a deal anymore.

I might even go as far to say that I almost ENJOY them.

I mean...She's never like...OMG! Your boobs are ALL OVER THE PLACE or Did you know you're not a size two? Ooor anything else that makes me feel awkward.

We'll chit chat back and forth about random things, or she'll try to de-mess-ify my back in silence...whatever whatever.

And now it's just a comfortable sort of experience. I mean...it's not my FAVOURITE thing in the world to do...but I don't freak out and want to run away. I'm kind like..she's seen my near naked body..so what? Big deal.

I assume it's kind of what mothers are like when people are peering into their vaginas as they give birth. You sort of forget any insecurities or qualms you may have and just go with it..because it needs to be done.

Except that massages aren't nearly as invasive. Or painful. And if they are as painful or invasive as childbirth..I hate to break it to you..but something is DEFINITELY wrong. I mean..I've never HAD a kid..but I watched a baby come out of a vagina and my vagina still hurts just from watching that.

MOVING ON.

So massages are no longer necessarily a bad thing in my world..because the awkward is generally gone. I know the person, I know what to expect and I know what's going to happen...add on the fact that my back and shoulder have been improving each time..and I'm all..HUZZAH MASSAGES!

It's kind of fun too because we chat back and forth most of the time and the more we talk, the more I'm like..you are a COOL person. I like you. We talk about work and how she's going back to school. Her son and my family. We talk about farming and about the weather. We talk about things we're doing, places we're going and the places and things we've already done.

Now instead of completely dreading going - I'm all..oooh! It's kind of like having a built in friend! Weee!

Nevermind that the insurance company is paying this woman to be nice to me...I just keep telling myself that they're paying her to FIX me. And her being nice to me is just because she's cool and we get along.

It's hard to find friends as you get older. It's hard to make new friends. Everyone is busy. Everyone has a lot of random whatever stuff going on..so meeting someone that you can chat with and get along with easily? Well, that's kind of an opportunity that doesn't come along every day..especially in a small town.

So now every time that I get a massage all I'm thinking about is yelling "DUDE. You're COOL! Let's be FRIENDS!"

'Cause there would be nothing at all awkward about trying to make friends like that.

Especially when one person is (basically) naked.

Behaviour modification. Now for inanimate objects too!

2012-01-12T08:42:00.002-05:00

The other day my Dad's computer in the office just started going absolutely crazy with little bells and whistles going off. Being the curious type, I had to investigate. Also? Because it wouldn't stop beeping..and if there is anything I hate..it's beeping for the sake of beeping..especially when I don't know why something is beeping.

So I head on over to his desk and see a flashing notice on his screen.

"Erin's phone is finished charging - go get it" says the computer screen.

Which is about when I was all..HUH? What now? I know it's 2012 and by 2012 we were supposed to have flying cars and whatever..but having a computer that randomly tells you that your phone is charged (when you didn't ask it to*) and to go get it? That's a little strange. Even for the future. Even if it WAS helpful.

..Because you see..my phone charger has decided to die a comical untimely death. Again.

And by comical and untimely...I do mean..annoying and..more annoying.

It seems as though every six months my phone charger decides to bite the dust.

Which would be okay. You know. If I didn't USE my phone. If I enjoyed throwing random money at giant mega million dollar corporations for more pieces of plastic and wires and were of shoddy quality. Or If my phone was purely ornamental. Orrrr...if my phone sat around COLLECTING dust. Only then to BITE the dust it collected. It's a one man (phone.) comedy! HUZZAH!

...Except not.

Since I DO use my phone. And I kinda sorta need it for certain things.

And since I live in the middle of nowhere..and the nearest place to buy a phone charger is 45 minutes away....I was all..SCREW YOU PHONE and chucked it at all the wall. Except more like..You phone, are in a timeout. And by timeout I mean in a vehicle out in the cold cold Canadian winter being charged with a car charger.

Suckaaaaah!

And just to teach it a little lesson..I left it out in the cold a little longer than necessary...even though it was finished charging. To prove that IT'S NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

That'll probably teach my phone to behave. BEHAVE OR ELSE, PHONE! (Insert me shaking my fist at the sky here.)

And you thought my Dad's computer talking to me and telling me my phone had charged was the weirdest thing you'd read about today.

Nope. I've moved on from being your regular brand of crazy lady..to being the crazy lady who specializes in telephone behaviour modification.

It's all the rage in overseas.

Probably.

*I didn't ask it to. But apparently my Dad knows how forgetful I am and set a reminder on HIS computer. For me. He also knows how much I hate unexplained beeping.

It's Not A Question Of Winning Or Losing. 'Cause You're Going DOWN.

2012-01-11T19:11:00.000-05:00

My aunt has always been an amazing person to me, throughout my entire life. She has always worked hard, been so smart and done so many things. She's traveled around the world, she's lived around the world and she's contributed so much to the world we live in. She's always been at the top of her field and kicks ass at everything she does.

Despite the fact that I *am* biased on that subject - It's not only family and friends that believes this. Her .son-in-law started grad school when they moved to Canada...and upon talking about his family..someone was like...YOUR MOTHER IN LAW IS WHO?! And had read all sorts of her papers and publications and whatnot when he was doing his Ph.D. in Europe. And when aunt's daughter and her new husband graduated vet school...her husband was the highest achieving student in the entire university and won a ton of awards. So the dean of the vet school introduced him to the Dean of the school..and he was congratulating him..and the dean of the vet school was all "Yes, yes..but have you HEARD who his mother in law is?!" Her daughter is in the same field..and all of the time gets recognized as her daughter.

I digress.

Either way.

She's kind of a big deal. But not only because she's smart and accomplished...but because she's amazing because one of the best people I've ever met. Just as she is. I don't understand most of the science things she's done. I don't follow all of the conversations they're having when they're talking about fancy big word stuff...but she's still one of my favourite people...just because she's her.

She has such an amazing work ethic. She has such an amazing personality. She's so giving. Caring. Loving.

There are so many things about her that I love so much..that it's impossible to even begin to describe how much or why I love her.

I love her strength and her drive the most I think though. I admire it. I want to be like her.

She never gives up. She always fights for more. She always does more.

So when she was diagnosed with cancer...it kind of threw us for a loop.

I think a lot of it was because she was no longer in control. With a long and complicated diagnostic process that often left us with more question than answers most days...it was (and is) emotionally draining. For her. For everyone. It was hard to watch the tumor grow rapidly as if it had a life of its own...as she felt more and more symptoms..while we still had no real concrete answers. She slipped and stumbled about life some days..not knowing how to act or react. I think we all have been..and still kind of are.

But on Monday she had her first round of chemo.

There were some ups and downs..but generally? It went well. The anti-nausea medication worked as well as it could work..and she is just only starting to feel a few small side effects..which are quickly quieted by the medications she has been prescribed in case these symptoms arise.

In reality? She has been doing AMAZINGLY well.

Really really really really REALLY well.

In fact - in the first 24 hours or so..she generally felt fine. A little tired..but okay. On top of our expectations being exceeded in that respect? The golf ball sized tumor that has been pretruding from her neck had already shrunk to what we estimated to be about half of its size. Now at 48 hours..the mass is no longer the size of the small plum it was yesterday after it had already shrunk from a golfball..and is now around the size of an almond. And shrinking.

Which is NOTHING like what we expected. And is nothing short of amazing.

Yes. There is a long way to go. Things that can happen. Bumps and potholes and who knows what else. But I finally feel like we're on the right path. FINALLY.

This very visible decrease in tumor sizes lets me know that they're using the right drugs to combat the right cancer. It's years and years of scientific research trying to restore my faith in the medical community after months of feeing disillusioned and confused and scared.

..And I know it probably has a lot to do with me knocking on wood and collecting pennies.. (Ha.)

..but maybe just a little bit because she's never failed at anything and even her body doesn't know how to not be the best at the things she has to do.

So Cancer? In case you haven't been able to tell? In case you're in denial?

It brings me great joy to inform you that your mission to get my aunt? It's going to fail. It's already starting to fail. Big time.

Feel free to suck on THAT.

Come Hell Or High Water..

2012-01-09T22:48:00.001-05:00

(PS - My brain is fried. Feel free to skip this. I just wanted to write. And I honestly can barely see the computer screen anymore. And not just because I took off my glasses already. Also. I know that PS should come at the end. Post Script. Whatever. I'm MESSING WITH THE MAN. For the purposes of the following..it will be known as PRE-SCRIPT. I win.)

Today was one of the most bizarre days..ever.

It was everything like what I expected. It was nothing like what I expected.

It was...bizarre.

The day passed relatively quickly. My Dad and I alternated between staying with my aunt the almost 8 hours she was getting treatment (ZOMG.) and resting in one of the many waiting areas chatting with family, procrastinating or doing random stuff.

It went relatively smoothly. There were few to no big complications (*knock on wood*) and despite taking all day...things went a lot better than we anticipated. Which is good. Really good. I was pleasantly surprised.

Despite this? It was exhausting. Having slept three hours the night before (Worry! Stress! PROCRASTINATION!) I was already tired. Then we left at 5am. Which meant I got up at 4am.

It was a long day spent watching sick people do the things that sick people have to do. It was heartbreaking, inspiring, eye opening and soul crushing all in one.

Before I knew it I was getting the car out of the parking garage and pulling up to the doors to pick up my waiting family.

By the time this happened, I was beyond exhausted. I want to get to our hotel and crash and not get up for a long long time. Yes, things had gone really well..but there is just something so draining about that much..everything. If that makes any sense at all. Which it probably doesn't. Because it's after 10pm and I've been up a long ass time.

ANYWAY.

So we get to the hotel..and there is this whole fiasco about the room we've booked. We called and found a suite that we thought sounded awesome. Everyone could have their own bed, everyone would get a good sleep..and whatever. And lucky for US...the price was an awesome deal. SCORE.

So. We had called up the hotel chain, booked it, and thought we were set. Until we get to the hotel and they tell us that no - we can't have the room we've booked for the price we have a confirmation number for. Basically, their number which they route all their calls through gave us a promotional price for some sort of internet buy in deal. Which okay - not THIS hotels fault..but also not OUR fault. It's the chains fault. And since they are part of the chain...I kinda felt like it was not my job to right the wrong. We didn't look up this deal. We didn't ask for this deal. They told us about it. They recommended it to us. They send us a confirmation number with the price and everything else. So them telling us that we could not have that room at 5pm when I've been up since 4am and am working on three hours of sleep and have been sitting in a hospital watching my aunt be filled with random drugs and chemicals to stop cancer from eating away at her body for eight hours? Yeah. Umm...I'm done.

And now only am I done? I'm worried about my aunt. She's getting more tired by the minute. She's done. She needs to rest. The reason we booked ahead of time was so that we could give you a credit card and go to our room when this was all done.

I get that it's a really expensive room. I feel bad that we're paying as little as we're paying for something they usually charge so much for...But in no way did we have anything to do with setting the price or the room..other than saying..THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE WHAT WE NEED FOR AN AMAZING PRICE! YES! THANK YOU!

After half an hour, we finally got it sorted out. I had to start to put on my ANGRY MAMA BEAR face and was like..Umm...NOT OUR FAULT THAT THIS HAPPENED. This need to be fixed. Mmmkthx.

..And I think that the guy saw that I was about to loose my shit..and just did what needed to be done. That - or he knew what one really pissed off person can do to your brand and your company. He knew that I would tell everyone I knew that I was not pleased, and knew that it was just easier to cut his losses and not have the hotels name trashed. Which is smart. Which is good business. Which is why I will be staying in this chain of hotels again.

...But at the same point...I also think that's when the universe was like..okay...she's about to blow..we need to throw this chick a bone.

And so they did. In a beautiful hotel room that I would have never paid that much money for. With a king bed in one room. And a queen in the other. With a pullout in the living room. A full kitchen. A dining area. Two bathrooms. Three plasma tvs. And about 27 kinds of pillows. I swear I could pretty much get lost in here.

And then when I was feeling exhausted and drained...we decided that since my aunt was still feeling okay..we'd try going out for dinner instead of just cheating and ordering something in.

And it was the best meal I've eaten in a really long time. We walked out of our hotel and down to a little Italian joint a couple blocks away. Where our waiter had a real Italian accent. The table was never without bread, olive oil and a balsamic reduction. Where we shared an Insalata Roma (LOOOVE.)...and then my Dad and I shared one of my favourite pizzas...the always delicious quattro stagioni which was made on a real authentic wood burning fireplace...while my aunt got homemade cannelloni. Everything was so good I could barely contain myself. Each and every bite ACTUALLY tasted like Italy. I felt like I had magically been transported.

Finally? We had dessert.

Yep.

Dessert.

I can't remember the last time I even THOUGHT about ordering dessert at a restaurant...

But EVERYTHING was SO GOOD and I just could NOT resist.

Then we walked home, took in a little of downtown Toronto (which for a minute convinced me how awesome it is....you know..outside of hospital walls) and walked underneath the CN Tower on our way back the couple of blocks to our hotel.

So Universe?

Thanks for throwing me a bone. It was a long day. It was an exhausting day. There are many things I want to write about. There are many things I want to get out of my head...but for now? This girl, who is so grateful that things generally went okay.that even with all of the bumps and pothohles and moments of despair? Well...she's exhausted. And desperately needs some shuteye.

But she just wanted to make sure that you knew she was paying attention. And grateful. For the good. For the not as good. For the ups. For the downs.

For feeling like this is something we can overcome. For feeling like this is something that will make her a better person, because she won't let it destroy her or her family. Come hell or high water.

Cancer Can Bite Me.

2012-01-09T00:10:00.000-05:00

All week I have been trying to figure out one seemingly simple question..

How do you prepare to take someone you love to chemo?

My automatic response when crisis happens is to MAKE! ALL! THE! FOOD! IN! THE! WORLD! Which is probably a horrible response..but when crisis happens, people forget to eat. And sleep. And brush their teeth. So my first response is to make people nap. And shove them full of food they can't resist. And hold them up while the brush their teeth.

So I don't know what to do in this situation. Food doesn't really..HELP in any way. Especially when you're going to be given drugs that make you want to throw up. So what do I do?

..How do you sit and be positive and happy as they pump chemicals into someones body...so that they can come as close as possible to killing the things that keeps them alive..and bring them back from that so they can live again. Without you know, FREAKING OUT? I mean. I'm happy that this exists. I'm happy that there is a way for it to be treated...but at the same time..it just seems so..bizarre. So surreal. So messed up.

I know it happens. I know it happens every day. I've watched from afar before.

But still..it boggles my mind.

I've read all of the papers, notes, checklists and helpful tidbits from the hospital. I've googled until I can google no more. I've asked questions, talked to people and done my best to be educated.

But I don't feel prepared.

As much as I can read and learn and prepare myself..I still don't know what to expect. I don't know how to help. I don't know what to do.

I want to be there and just magically make things right. Make them easier. FIX them. ..But I'm terrified that I'm spinning around in circles trying to figure out what to do..that I'm more of a nuisance than help.

I've packed books, figured out how to buy books on my damn kindle (that had been being used as a paperweight because UGH. And oh yeah - OMG I HATE INSTRUCTIONS AND IT WAS HARD TO FIGURE OUT. BECAUSE I'M A DUMBASS.) I've filled my old ipod with songs she'll like. I've got movies on my computer. Antibacterial hand gel coming out of EVERYWHERE. A new pair of headphones. Snacks and drinks that are easy on the tummy. Bags in case of nausea. A deck of cards. Puzzle books. Photos. A blanket. A thermometer. You name it...I've probably got it.

I've got my phone charged so her daughters can call. I've got the hotel booked. I've got the car full of gas so we can leave in a few hours.

Everything is...as ready as it can be.

But I don't feel prepared.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to act. Or react.

I have no idea what to expect.

That's the worst part right now, I think. Because everyone reacts to treatment so differently, it's hard to know what one persons body will do compared to another. It's hard to know if you're preparing for symptoms that won't even be there..or if you're going to be faced with others that you didn't entirely expect.

My aunt is such a proud person. She's such an introverted person. She's so..her. That it's hard to know when she's okay, and when she's keeping her guard up. She's so afraid of asking for help because she doesn't want to be a burden that I'm afraid she won't tell me to back off if I'm driving her nuts, or tell me if she needs me to do something for her. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. Of not knowing what to do. Of not doing what needs to be done. Of there not being anything I *can* do.

It's right about now that I wish I could read minds.

And the future.

Since that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon...I guess I'm just going to have to put my trust in a little something called blind faith that it will all work out and be okay. I'll just have to be positive and do what I can do and listen to the people and the environment around me. I'll have to trust my gut and believe that we're all just going to be able to do what we all have to do to survive this so that we can move on with the next chapter of our lives.

..The worrier in me is just a wee bit afraid that it will be easier said than done.

I just really want someone to tell me step by step how to handle this. As much as I hate instructions for electronic things, I want instructions in this situation. I want someone to say..first you do this. Then this happens, so you do that. Then you need to do this. And then that. And finally that. And then it's done. It's fixed.

Soooo...Can someone get on that?

..I think it would make this whole ordeal a helluva lot less stressful.

When my brain gets bored it tries to control the happenings of the world. True story.

2012-01-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

Last summer my sister-in-law and I were sitting around packing tomatoes, which is basically one of the most mind-numbing parts of my job. You have hundreds of thousands of tomatoes, and you need to make them into those beautiful baskets you see in the supermarket.

Time consuming, but not brain power consuming.

Which is when we made 'The List'.

A list of predictions. For life. For all sorts of people we knew.

We made it in jest. We came up with crazy things, happy things, joyful life things happening for the people we love. After our first few predictions, we decided to write it down...and gave it the end date of 'December 2012'. It would be before then that those things on our list happened.

This couple would have a baby. Those people would get married. This person would pass their tests and get their dream job. On and on we declared things that we thought would happen before 2012. Debating their possibilities, and then adding them to the list with a smile.

We didn't think much of it. We were doing what we always do. Chatting and passing the time with silliness. Nothing mind blowing or fantastic..just regular stuff that we as sister in laws do.

Then a few weeks later...we found out the people we predicted to have a baby we're indeed..having a baby. ..Even though they had not even come close to planning this baby.

Next, a few weeks later...a couple of friends got engaged.

Odd little things from our list would happen here and there.

A couple months later...blueprints were drawn up for the project we claimed would happen but never in a million years thought would actually come true.

It got a little strange. It got a little..odd. Yes, things we thought COULD happen were happening. But things started happening that we didn't ACTUALLY think would happen, but had put on our list. Because we had a little inkling they might sometime far far off in the future happen, or we wanted them to and there was no way they ever would..so wouldn't it be nice if they DID happen? ...But man, it was just some silly little list..so why NOT add ridiculous things?

Now? Months later? Things keep happening from our list. Good things. Happy things. Things that seemed so far off last summer, are being checked off our list. Probably half of our list has now happened..even though some of the things are so out the realm of what we thought was possible at that moment.

One of the things we wrote on our list that my cousin would get engaged before 2012 was over..which I GUESS was fairly likely because they're both into their 30's and they'd been dating a year and were planning to move in with each other. Though we put it on our list, when she found out about our predictions..she claimed she would never end up getting married.

She kept claiming that it wasn't happening, let alone anytime soon.

Then the other day, news came that he asked her parents for permission to marry her.

Then came the proposal shortly thereafter (He apparently knows that family too well already and knows that their entire family is REALLY BAD at keeping secrets from each other - ha. He left VERY VERY VERY LITTLE time in between getting permission and asking.)

With so many things on our list having happened...there are very few logical explanations:

A) We're totally psychic.

B) We have magical powers to make things happen.

Or the most far off ridiculous explanation..C) Perhaps..if you put it out into the universe as a possibility...The universe might make it come true. Just to show you how little power you actually have over the grand scheme of things. Or to show you have much power you DO have. Or just to show you that it anything IS possible.

..Ha. You're right. I'm probably just psychic.

Mind Jumbling Clarity. (Maybe.)

2012-01-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

This new year has had me on a roller coaster already. It's funny how the week before a new year always makes you think that you have some magical power to change your life..when in reality..you always have that power...you just choose whether or not to use it.

I kept saying that my new years resolution was to be happier and nicer this year...which is funny..because that's what my new years resolution ALWAYS is. I always want to be that. I always want to improve myself and make me a better person..to stop being so negative and be kinder to the people in my world. But by about..oh...January 2nd..I fail. I do something that makes me angry and frustrated about the kind of person I continually am and then things spiral out of control.

I want more. I want to be more. So much more.

But then my twitter family pointed out something so true...

Lofty, dreamy, beautiful dreams are great. It's good to have them. It's good to have the bigger picture mapped out. It's good to want more.

But if you don't have a specific plan? If you don't have a roadmap?

You're just shooting in the dark. You're driving on the wrong side of the road without directions. You're going nowhere fast.

HOLY EPIPHANY, BATMAN.

How can I expect do get anywhere - when I have no idea where I'm going?

How can I expect to change..when I'm not willing to put the specifics out there? When I'm not committing to it and taking it seriously?

Even if I think I know them in my head. Even if I've got it all mapped out somewhere in my brain..

How can I cross it off my list..if I don't really..HAVE a list?

Yeah. Whoa.

In the last...while..my brain has been doing some thinking. A lot of thinking, actually. (This is where you laugh. Because my brain doesn't EVER turn itself off.)

..And I just want change. Which is kind of ironic, because I'm known as the girl who LOATHES change.

But it's just time. It just really is. It's time to change.

My attitude. My perspective. My fitness. My sleep patterns. My being.

It's time to overhaul my life.

Yes. It's the new year. Yes, it's the time when everyone thinks this is possible. Yes, most people who decide to overhaul their lives at this moment fail. It's just not possible. It's not attainable. It's not done for the right reasons..when people have romanticized the idea that a new year means fresh beginnings and that everything can just be fixed with a magical start to a new year.

And I've done that in the past. I've made goals and plans and dreams and I've failed. My biggest successes in life have come not always at a new year, but when I was ready for them. When I finally was able to hit something deeper than a lofty dream that was more confusing than anything.

So...I ate chocolate today. I gave up without finishing a ridiculously intense workout dvd. A large part of my fitness goals involved doing TWO pushups (Yes, two. But more on that later) and I had more moments of self doubt then I would like to admit. I told myself I was going to sleep at 10, when now as I write this..the clock as already passed that magical number.

Buuuut...I also walked for 30 minutes. I had good conversations with my Mom. I danced while making a healthy well rounded dinner. I got work done that needed to be done. I let myself pop a chocolate into my mouth, because I knew if I didn't - I'd eat four tomorrow and let them get the better of me. I told myself it was okay to not finish an intense workout (PS: ummmm..holy crap I have no idea how I got this out of shape.) I decided that it was okay to put away that dvd, and pull out another one tomorrow. As long as, you know, I PULLED ONE OUT TOMORROW.

Will I never eat french fries again? Will I never have a day where I don't go outside because I decide that my pajamas are just a better option for that day? Will I always want to make better choices? No. Of course not. That's just silly to even try, let alone try to give up forever...at least for me. I like french fries. I like wine. I like pajamas. Buuut...life is about balance...and teetering back and forth to make that balance work. It's not about deprivation and making yourself miserable to try and make yourself happy. Because HOW FRIGGEN RIDICULOUS IS THAT?! You want to make yourself happy..but on the path you need to be miserable to get there? Umm..what? No. You want to be happy, so you do what needs to be done to make you happy. And you make better choices, which add up. You make lists and you do things when you can and how you can..and then you wake up and you realize that those little itsy bitsy changes have added up to what you really wanted.

So what if I wasn't perfect. So what if my body wanted to die after that workout? So what if I ate a chocolate? Maybe tomorrow, I won't eat a chocolate. Or maybe I will. Maybe I'll push myself through that dvd again, or maybe I'll work on working my way up to a different level by being okay with where I am.

Today..I made failure okay. In the last few days? I made the choice not to let my failures ("failures" - ?) determine my future.

I made the choice not to let my failures determine my future.

I determined that I was in control of my life.

I am in control of my life.

As easy as that might sound? As basic and ridiculous and as much as you might be scoffing at me right now?

Wow. What a revelation.

Mind. Blowing.

(At least in my little world.)

I could do what I wanted. I finally feel as though I am able to make the choice to be positive. I'm giving myself permission to NOT be perfect. To not fail before I start, because I'm scared of being not good enough. I finally feel like it's okay to start down this road. As many bumps and potholes and curves and twists and hills as it may have...because I want SO MUCH MORE. For me.

So I don't know whether it's a new year and the promise of fresh beginnings and all of that jazz, or whether this is just a theme of my life that has finally surfaced and is one I'm finally dealing with..But January or not? It's needed.

It's happening.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T17:49:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that this year is over. Over? Seriously? How did this happen? I feel as though I blinked and missed all of 2011. I feel like it just flew by. If this is the way that life is going to keep going..I am going to wake up next week and my life will be over.

Which makes my brain go DAGLJHADLGHALDJ.

Basically.

I wish I could sum up my thoughts on the year. But my brain is a little frazzled...so maybe I'll give it a shot in June or something.

Or maybe next week..because my brain fuzz MIGHT be because I'm already done my second glass of wine and it's not even 6pm yet.

Basically what I'm trying to say is... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Eat lots of good food. Drink lots of good..whatever you feel like drinking..and dance. Even if it's just wiggling your bum from the comfort of your couch.

May you and yours have a healthy, happy and lovely new year.

Also. One last thing. Please be safe. Please please please do whatever you need to do to be safe.

#thatisall

A Winter Walk

2011-12-28T20:10:00.001-05:00

Tonight I was dragging myself about trying to do a few things half heartedly while not really doing anything when I looked outside and caught a glimpse of the beauty that is outside.

So I stopped what I was doing, threw on some boots and a coat..grabbed my camera and braved the cold outside to capture a little bit of snow covered beauty as the light faded into cold Canadian winter darkness.

It was the first time that I had felt excited and inspired in such a way that I HAD! TO! DO! SOMETHING! in a REALLY long time.

Way too long.

It was cold. The not-so-mercury was reading about -15 before the windchill. My hands shook from the cold because I was a little bit of a doofus that didn't bring gloves with her. But I wrapped my hands in my sweater, and the grin on my face froze in place as I tried to capture the beauty that exists just outside of my door.

It didn't work as well as I wanted to (got back to find out that my shaky hands made for quite a few blurry blurry photos) but I was still happy in that moment. Just soaking it all in. The beauty of the sun setting. The crisp freshness of new snow. The possibilities. It just renewed my spirit for a moment and gave me hope that good and beautiful things still existed. My entire body radiated with happiness.

Well, my fingers and face aren't exactly speaking with me..but they'll get over it. Eventually. I hope.

The apple trees struck a graceful winter pose. My boots made crisp prints in the untouched woods. The forest transformed into a magical ice castle. The pine trees carried their thick winter coats of snow. The lights of home beckoned me back to warmth.

It was a beautiful walk.

It was a calming walk.

It was a damn cold walk.

..It was a lovely walk.

Tis The Season

2011-12-25T01:28:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling this month in a few ways, but the most with having things just not feel right.

It hasn't felt like it's December to me. As though Christmas is upon us and Tis The Season...and all of that other jazz.

I don't know why, but I have not been able to get into it at all. I did my shopping, I bought people gifts...but beyond that? Eh. Just didn't WANNA. I would come up with all of these thoughts and dreams of things I'd do..and then I'd just mope about, doing nothing. Or starting a project..only to discard it moments later.

(Apathy? Nice to meet you. Please feel free to leave whenever you want.)

Today, as I exchanged gifts with my cousins..I was happy..but mostly just because I LOVE to give people gifts. I love watching them open presents that I've picked out for them, the ones I've slaved hours over putting together..or picked out the perfect gift that's just so THEM. I could do without receiving my own gifts..I don't need anything, anything I do need..I can buy myself..but I just really love giving gifts - just because.

I was happy and excited when The Babe opened his presents..when he squeeled with delight over the paper and the boxes (Oh how exciting life is when you're one) and when he opened his big present from me and found that it was a GIANT! BAG! OF! BALLS! his world almost exploded. Trust me, I have it on video - it really really did.

Then we put them in the BALL PIT and ZOMG!! Basically, that kid is never going to leave that thing. Ever again. Seriously.

Even that though? Wasn't what it should have been. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel like Christmas. It just felt...kind of..blank. It just...was. I was happy to watch him...I was happy for him..but still..I don't know.

I then had a low key Christmas Eve with my parents..good food and chats and la de da..but it still wouldn't sink in that it was really Christmas..and my body and my brain just didn't believe me. Didn't..feel right.

It wasn't until I started putting together stocking stuff that I caught a glimpse of that Christmas feeling.

You see - back when I was a wee lass..my Mom decided that we weren't having Christmas that year. We had enough stuff, and she had no time or energy to buy us presents...and told us as much. It was a bad year to begin with...and the months following would be some of the worst of my life..but still..the fear of no Christmas racked my body with anxiety. Not for me, not a big deal for me. I knew that I would get over it, I knew that it would be okay...but my little brother? I knew he wouldn't. Christmas has always been HIS holiday. He has always been the one itching to get the decorations out. Put the tree up. Drink eggnog. Open presents. Whatever it is? If it's Christmas, he has ALWAYS loved it. So when his relatively young self (he must have been around 8 or 9) told me that it was okay if Mom didn't get us any presents, because Santa would..) my heart broke. And my 12 or so year old self went out and carefully spent her life savings on Christmas presents and stocking stuffers from Santa.

That little girl then stayed awake under her blankets with a flashlight and a book until everyone was fast asleep, tip toed downstairs and played Santa.

That morning? When it should have been a fairly eh Christmas? That was one of my favourite Christmas' ever. Because not only was my brother so ridiculously happy, but my parents were baffled. My Mom had freaked out at the last minute, and tried to fill in the gaps of my Dad's frantic attempt to fill the OTHER gaps shopping..but I had filled in the gaps of the gaps...and I watched their puzzled glances back and forth as they found the things that Santa had also left for them under the tree and in their stockings.

To this day...long after my parents have retired for the night..I creep down stairs, flashlight in hand. I top up stockings and add bits and pieces to the presents that are there. I add in the things I know they love, so and so's favourite chocolate and something that is so them I can barely contain myself.

And Christmas morning when we go to open our presents, there is always a comment thrown about 'The Other Santa' - though no one has ever come right out and said anything...and my brother is completely oblivious...and no matter what - it just fills me with this sense of happiness. I'm transported back to being that 12 year old kid who makes people happy - for no reason other than she enjoys happiness.

So as much as it may not feel like Christmas. As much as it seems like it's the weirdest Christmas I've ever had in my entire life (Which is saying a lot..) creeping downstairs with a flashlight and my bags filled with specially chosen goodies for my family?

That got me excited about Christmas. If only for a moment.

I'm hoping for more glimpses of this feeling as Christmas day goes on...One can hope.

Tis the season, after all.

Sticks & Stones Might Be Easier..

2011-12-21T21:28:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to be nicer. I'm trying to fix myself. I'm trying to find the person I use to be, the one I want to be. The one who doesn't get lost in the jumble. Who doesn't hate herself at every turn. The one who is kinder, nicer, more. It was my new years resolution last year. To be a better person..and now? Looking back? I don't think that I really accomplished that at all.

I really want the world to be a happier place, to be more kind. To be..better. But it just seems that for some reason..we can so easily lose our tempers. We as a society (myself obviously included) say things to peoples faces and behind their backs that hurt. We don't hurt each other so much with sticks and stones anymore. This is looked down upon and seen as a bad thing - which it is. But we still beat each other up with our words. All of the time.

Where am I going with this? Right. So today I got told that I was a 'lazy bitch' who was responsible for someone elses suffering, among other things.

In other words..It was not a very fun day.

I drove about aimlessly for a good while this afternoon. I sat in my fair share of parking lots, shivering as tears rolled down my face. I drove until I got somewhere, and then I sat and cried and thought about everything until I had stopped crying and could drive again. I did a lot of thinking. These words have run through my head about a million times. Replaying them over and over again. Looking at them. Examining them. Finding the truth in them. Finding the absurdity in them. And then once again finding bits and pieces of truth in them.

I was angry, and sad. I was frustrated. I was confused. I beat myself up and thoughts so horrible ran through my head that I cannot even think of mentioning them here. Which made *me* hate ME..even more.

Slippery slopes spiraling into sadness and sorrow.

(Try to say that five times fast.)

I'm trying to get my head back on straight now, but today was a blow. It just really was. It was eye opening, to see myself for a moment through someone elses eyes. To have my fears realised. Though I have often feared people thinking of me like this - to have someone come out and say it - it really shook me, even though it shouldn't have. Even though I know that these things were said in anger..and weren't meant to be said...you can't help but wonder how deep the truth in their words run. What they really think of you.

Words? They hurt. Even if they do ring true. Especially when they ring true...so please, try to use them carefully. Even when you want to drive home a point, get someone back or slap someone in the face. Especially when you want to do those things. You have no idea what is happening in their head. In their life. In their little world. You have no idea.

Today I felt like I had been sitting on the edge of a cliff, trying to hang on for dear life..and then someone came along and pushed me over the ledge, without any effort or even knowledge that they were doing so. It took nothing to toss me aside and say things that crumpled the walls I've been working so diligently on building back up.

The bruises from sticks and stones heal, and with time are generally forgotten.

The words eating away at my soul right now?

I'll do my best to fix them...but I don't know how well these wounds will heal.

One Day At A Time..

2011-12-19T00:21:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been emotional.

Emotional. Emotional. Emotional.

I feel like the last...forever...has been emotional..

Ups, downs and all over the places.

But this morning? When I woke up to the news that my aunt had rushed to hospital in the middle of the night...and then been transferred to a hospital in Toronto with a heart attack?

I kind of lost it.

I screamed and I cried and I LOST MY SHIT.

I am so tired of my family being sick and in pain and in hospitals.

It breaks my heart over and over again.

I really have no words. I am just BEYOND tired of it.

I get that it happens and I get that life isn't fair and I get that it could be a lot worse..but it's just so damn draining when people you care about and love have lives that hang in the balance and all you want to do is bargain with anyone and everyone to make all of the bullshit go away.

But as things slowly became more clear. As procedures were done and things sorted out..I'm once again grateful because it could have been worse. She's alive and is slowly but surely on the mend as far as we can tell...

But still...it's scary as hell to be reminded just how fragile life is. How cherished it should be. How fast things can change.

As much as today as thrown me for a loop...it's also reminded me that I really do need to be grateful. Among the long drives to and from Toronto. Among the days of not knowing. Of watching people go through tests. Of picking up pieces. Of doling out hugs. I need to be thankful for what I have and the people I have and the things I have.

Because it means I have people that I love that much in my life. To care about that much. To surround myself with.

It may not be easy, it may not always be fun. I may get stressed, overtired and emotionally drained.

But all that feeling? That means that I'm here and that there are things worth fighting, loving and living for.

That's what I need to remind myself of.

Before I go and try to make the world my bitch.

..One day at a time.

Google Needs A Disclaimer. And Less Knives.

2011-12-12T23:11:00.000-05:00

I have contracted some sort of weird illness.

I don't even know if illness is the right word.

I have contracted some sort of pain/not feeling right/weirdness. You know...In my body.

Actually. I have no idea if I've contracted it. It could have grown there from some bizarre bacteria. Or been put there by aliens. Or maybe I decided to take up swallowing knives in my sleep so that they can stab me from the inside while I'm in a dream state.

I'm not really sure, but I'm leaning towards the last one because that's what my body feels like since last Friday.

Like I ate a whole bunch of knives and they're jabbing at me and laughing. From the inside.

The pain originally was constant...but then it changed to only being stabbing when I breathed. Now it alternates between OMG I'M GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW and bearable. It's also mostly in my side but the last day or so the ~~knives~~ pain has been attacking my back too. Sometimes it only hurts when I breathe..just sort of depends on how much my body hates me at any particular moment it seems.

Anyway...so when this started on Friday I clearly did what any rational person would do. I turned to twitter. It was gas they told me, because apparently they all get STABBY GAS PAINS. I don't know what kind of food you guys eat to get stabby knife gas pains, but WHOA dudes, that's KINDA weird.

No? Just me who normally doesn't get gas pains that feels like they've eaten knives?

Moving on.

So it got better and worse and alternated between imma die right now pain and I might not die until tomorrow pain.

After complaining endlessly about how ridiculous it is to turn to Google for anything medical related because OMG IT'S GONNA TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE DYING after a slew of illnesses lately, I clearly did the responsible thing...and since twitter had failed me...I turned to Google.

Where yes, it told me that I was probably dying. Or dead.

It also told me that I might be stressed (no shit, Sherlock), that I could have an ulcer, that I could have a multitude of diseases or disorders - Or that I could have the c word. As in cancer. Which had me a little worried...until the website was sure that I had TESTICULAR CANCER.

Conclusion? Google should come with a disclaimer such as:

Using Google to determine what illness you have may lead

you to suddenly find that not only have you swallowed

knives in your sleep, but that you've also changed genders.

Your lack of disclaimer is not cool Google. Not cool at ALL.

Rose Coloured Glasses

2011-12-08T10:18:00.000-05:00

This weekend I ran into an ex best friend. Well, didn't so much "run into" as - glance out of the corner of my eye, not recognise her, and then have her stand DIRECTLY IN LINE BEHIND ME at the grocery store.

WTF, PERSON.

We haven't talked in well over a year, yet you decide that moving to stand in the line where I am purchasing some groceries is a good place to stand?

Hello awkward. Nice to meet you...haven't seen you in a while.

I had no idea what to do. Absolutely no idea. Do I say hello and ask how things are...or do I just pretend I don't see her and walk away. I had no idea. What the hell is the protocol for someone who you use spend all of your free time together, whose friendship ended with a complete cutoff of communication and a whole lotta misunderstandings and hurt feelings on both sides?

What do you do when said person has tried to add you BACK to facebook - and you took a couple of days pondering the idea. To add, or not to add. Did you really want the friendship back? Was it worth all of the drama and BS? Would it be a slippery slope to try and navigate? Was it healthy for you or for them?

And then despite so many people who knew both of you asking telling you to NOT get involved, to walk away, that it wasn't worth it, that it would just spin back into the same problems and nothing would get resolved and things would never change? You sat there desperately wanting to accept the friend request...while at the same time..worrying about all of the implications and the things that could and couldn't be done.

So you decide..what the hell...took a lot of guts for her to do that..might as well at least TRY...talk things out..hash shit out...see if there is even any point in trying..when you realise that she has taken BACK the friend request.

So. Uhhh. I see that you've matured.

Not that I could be in any way what-so-ever to be mature. And I know I'm awful at conflict. And I know I SUCK at confrontation.

But...WHAT? You can even DO that? It had been two days. Adding someone to facebook where I have just over 30 people (and some of those people only out of feelings of obligation) is not something I take lightly. You want to add me to my other account under my real name where I don't post anything EVER? Go for it. You want to add me under the account that I will check with a fair amount of relative regularity and be let into my little personal world...even if I rarely post anything or whatever?

Imma have to think about that.

It's kind of a big deal in my head.

So I stood there. With my groceries. Freaking out.

..And I did nothing. I didn't turn around. I didn't say hello. I walked away.

Because I was scared. And worried. And...totally caught off guard.

Yet every day...I pick up the phone and my fingers run over her number. I type her email address into the 'sender' box in an email and pen the emails in my head that I would write to her if I wasn't such a chicken. I drive down her street on my way somewhere and wonder what they're up to.

And I wonder what if...and I worry what if...my brain spins until it's mush.

I worry about being controlled. I worry about being manipulated. I worry about giving up the things I said I wouldn't let myself give up again. The anger and the frustration and all of those things has dulled..and now I just..am neutral.

But then I put on my rose coloured glasses and think about all of the things I wish for her and her family. I think about all of the ridiculous things we'd talk about doing. I think about all of our inside jokes and the laughing and the just feeling..comfortable and happy.

And once again...my brain is like a spinning top that never stops twirling.

I'm back where I started...just as confused and lost as ever.

SO! MUCH! FUN! < INSERT SARCASM HERE >

2011-12-07T00:12:00.002-05:00

I am probably the craziest person alive...but I have to admit this.

I...don't like...massages. I like them in theory...but pretty much ends where I like them. Everything about the experience screams "OMGZZZ WHY WOULD YOU DOOOOO THAT?".

Regardless, against my better judgement...today I went for a massage. While I knew I had to because of the constant back pain I've been having thanks to the good old car into telephone pole incident. And, yanno - the chiropractor saying "Hey, you REALLY need to go and do this" - I really didn't want to.

Because it means that people are TOUCHING me.

And not even just..people. But a STRANGER. Who is touching me. While I'm basically naked. With the lights on. AND DID I MENTION THE STRANGER?

So I'm not just (practically) naked, but (practically) naked and (sort of) covered and lying face down on a table.

Which sounds great. In THEORY.

Seems like lying face down would minimize the chances of flashing everyone and their mother.

Little known fact though? Lying face down on a table when you've been blessed by the boob fairy? NOT SO GREAT. Because your boobs act like floatation devices which makes you try and keep your neck (where a great deal of the pain resides) on an upward angle (awkward) or hunched over so it's on the table too (also awkward). And while you're lying on them, they're all - hey! there is WAY too much boob here. Let's go over there. So you're there. Trying to make sure that they (The Boobs) don't pull any tricks on you and suddenly decide to have a mind of their own and flash the world if you move half a quarter of an inch. And by the world I do mean the nice innocent looking woman who had the poor task of having me as her client.

Oh - and did I mention that I'm still in pain pretty much 24/7 from said car accident?

So I'm naked and there is a stranger about to touch my sore aching body and making it hurt more (which I'm told is normal when your back is as screwed up as mine now apparently is) and the woman doing said massage (who, for the record, was very nice) says "Irony is having cold hands when you're a massage therapist" with a chuckle.

Dude. That's not irony. That's just a poor professional choice for me to be on the other end of.

So I'm lying there. Cold, (mostly) naked, and fearful of strangers touching me. I'm trying not to move lest my boobs might spill everywhere (Please don't ask. I really don't know. Some people are afraid of spiders, I'm afraid of my boobs.) (Zip it.) when my nose starts to itch. But I can't scratch it because OMG MY BOOBS REALLY MIGHT SPILL EVERYWHERE. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THEY COULDN'T. And then Oh-Em-Gee guys...that itch became my EVEREST.

On the upside...it made me focus a little less on the OMG I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD A MUSCLE THERE pain or the NAKED! STRANGERS! AHHH! thinking...and a little more on the ITCHINESS IS THE DEVILS WORK thoughts in my head.

So I'm (practically) naked and (partially) covered with a blanket that feels like it's covering NOTHING, worried about my boobs flashing everyone and their mother if I move slightly, in pain that's non stop, itchy like a bad std on my nose, having cold stranger hands touch my already supremely insecure self when I get the cherry on top - I GET TO DO THIS EVERY WEEK FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS to figure out the mess that is body.

No really. What's NOT to love.

Surprise Surprise.

2011-11-28T20:39:00.000-05:00

I could write you a million characters about the how I feel like I am on a roller coaster.

I could pen you tales of the deep sighs life brings.

I could sing you songs about how the walls seem to be falling around me, myself and I.

But each time that I try, I can't find the words.

And when I can find the words..they don't seem right.

And when they do feel right...I don't want to write them anymore.

And when I don't want to write them, I get mad at myself for thinking them.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing anymore.

I'm not entirely sure what the hell is the point of anything.

Faking it? Can it even be done? On what level? To what scale?

Faking it until you make it is great...as long as you don't break down into a puddle of emo goo along the way.

Or maybe that is okay.

I don't really know anymore.

ANYWAY - So I slept away my day feeling blah and miserable.

Resound to mope about. Bathing in my own special brew of self pity and negative thoughts.

When I woke up, I went to turn on the light beside my bed, because winter has stolen the daylight from the sky. It was then that I reached for the lamp when my hand brushed against something.

I turned on the light and looked at what it was...

And in a little bag I found these..

A present from my darling @chibijeebs that I needed to see right then.

To snap my head back into place. To shake me awake.

If but nothing else, to remind me to breathe.

To remind me that things aren't that bad. That I hate me when I am like this and thus the cycle of blah continues on and on and on. Reminds me that I should just..stop.

Maybe it's okay to have bad days. Maybe it's okay to feel like crap...as long as you're still making progress in...some way?

Two steps forward, one step back.

Or something like that?

Basically...Universe: 1, Erin: 0

Surprise, surprise.

Giving Thanks

2011-11-25T00:44:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving 'round these parts has been done for weeks now. Weeks and weeks and weeks.

And while I've been moping about for weeks. Trying to be thankful, but finding little to be thankful for. Instead? I've been finding lots of things to be miserable about. Lots and lots and lots of things.

Because I'm slightly ridiculous and a whole lot of stupid like that.

So I've been working very diligently the last few days at BEING happy and BEING positive and making changes in my life.

Reminding myself that I shouldn't just be thankful one day. Reminded that even when things are hard, even when life throws you curve balls, that even when things are so far from being what you thought they'd be - that they are still pretty damn good in the scheme of things.

When my twitter timeline is filled with giving thanks and being thankful..when everyone was giving thanks, and being grateful in a place that is not mine own...I was once again reminded that I should be grateful more than just one day a year.

On more than just the Canadian OR American Thanksgiving.

Because even though sometimes things are harder than you thought..there are so many things to be thankful for...Every. Single. Day.

And I guess the Universe thought they might want to throw me a bone because I've been working my ass off trying to be positive. Or they think they're funny. I'm not really sure..but either way...I'm not complaining.

Because today?

Today I stood up for myself. Today I made myself a little list of why I deserved to stand up for myself. And then? AND THEN I DID.

Did I say everything I wanted to say? Did I put it ALL on the table? No.

But I did say A LOT of things that I needed to say. I did say a lot of things that were on my chest. I did hash a lot of things out and work to compromises and resolutions - and for someone who has rarely if ever done this? That's AMAZING. And I am SO PROUD of myself. I walked in to my meeting this morning feeling like I was going to freak out and cry. And I left feeling like I was on top of the world.

Today I am so thankful that I found the courage to stand up for myself. To confront people. To not let people take advantage of me. And even though there are things I would change - this was a huge step, and I feel so grateful to have DONE it..because I was starting to doubt that I would ever be able to.

Today, while my brain tried to de-brief from the crazy that was my meeting..I got a chance to hang out with a little boy who loves me so much it's ridiculous. Kisses, hugs and squeals of laughter and delight. He makes my life so much happier and I am so lucky and grateful to have him in my life. I can't imagine my days without him.

Then...in my short drive home to get some work done...I arrived home and the phone rang.

Today there were results. Back from the specialists in Toronto. The real results. From the intense hardcore biopsies. So much better than I was anticipating at this point, so much better than any of us were hoping for at this point. Cancer, yes. But instead of the misdiagnosis' that had been given in the past - this time they've reassured us that it's lymphoma. And a very treatable form of lymphoma at that. Which means that yes..there will be chemo. And yes, that will suck so much - but the prognosis? SO MUCH BETTER. The treatment? Will be closer to home, if not in the nearest town. That means few or *gasp - dare I say* no more draining and exhausting trips to Toronto for doctors appointments and specialists.

Today I am grateful for health. For the idea of of health. For the promise of HOPE.

I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to even be given that option. I cannot even begin to share how much weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

It will not be easy. It will not be a walk in the park..I know this. But I also know that I am ready to kick cancer in the junk. And I NEEDED this. I needed some reassurance. And I know that everyone else did too.

And then? When I was dancing around the house about all of the things I was grateful for?

Today? Today an old friend called. One who I wasn't sure whether the relationship was really salvageable. Or if I even WANTED it to be. But then we talked and laughed and caught up..and if but for a moment..I remembered what I loved about her. And even though there are things that drive me insane, and even though sometimes I wonder...I am still grateful for her. Because as much as she may drive me insane..she has also been there through a lot of years and a lot of things. And despite everything...she loves me. And I love her.

So today? Today I had a good day.

Today I had a day where I was grateful.

Today I had a day where I remembered just how damn lucky I am.

Today, I gave thanks.

Not just because I was supposed to.

Not because it was the day told me I had to.

Today I gave thanks for life and the things in it...just because I could.

Perfectly Perfect Imperfections

2011-11-23T14:09:00.002-05:00

I am my harshest critic. My biggest naysayer. I am by FAR my own worst enemy.

I am also sick of hating myself.

I really really am.

I was having a chat with my good friend @chibijeebs the other day...and the more we talked..the more I was sad. Not because I was talking with her - because OMG - I love her and we're basically the same person and she's like..the ying to my yang..but because we ARE the same person..and it breaks my heart that her mind works so much like mine, that we literally will finish each others sentences, in the HA! I TYPED IT FIRST IN GCHAT! kind of way because we know exactly how the other thinks about our respective selves.

It breaks my heart when she says the things she says about herself - because I know they're anything but true. She's one of the kindest most caring, loving, lovely people I've ever known. - which makes me wonder if other people think that about me - and how if they could see good in me..and not just my flaws..why can't I? After a while, we started talking about how we had no idea how to fix our minds that hated ourselves so much, because we had no idea how or why this self hatred started. This led to more thinking where I wondered how it was possible that we even think like this, that such self hatred can exist...and furthermore runs rampant through our minds. Which to someone who doesn't think like this..probably sounds like the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard..but honestly..this is how my brain works.

It's an endless cycle of negative self talk though..where I constantly hate and blame myself for every little thing, for things I have control over, for things I don't and everything in between.

But I want to change. I want to change my thought process, my way of thinking, my way of processing everything in the world around me so badly, that sometimes it physically hurts.

I'm tired of berating myself when I'm "not good enough". I'm tired of catching a glimpse of my reflection and hearing my mind say things about me. I'm tired of needing others approval and recognition. I am tired of looking in a mirror and crying because I hate what I see. I am tired of doing a job and telling myself I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure, that I should have done better. I'm tired of feeling guilty for letting other people see this negative side of me and the cycle continuing to break down my entire being.

I am done with it.

I am so over it.

But I don't know how to stop. How do you stop something that is so ingrained in your mind? That defines how you think? That makes up such a large portion of how you are, and why you do what you do?

I want to be good enough for me - just by being me.

But it's hard.

It's so damn hard some days just to keep your head afloat with daily life things - that tackling reprogramming the way you've existed for more than two decades? It's kind of daunting.

Daunting, yes. Necessary? Also yes.

So here I am today. A self proclaimed bully...to myself.

Who is going to take a moment to be NICE to herself. To be thankful for herself. To love herself.

To find the good in her flaws.

..So here goes nothing.

An exercise in compassion..for myself.

*I hate the bags under my eyes...but they prove that I've spent many late nights giggling with friends.

*I hate that I am so indecisive..that I can never make up my mind...but that proves that I live in a place where I have the freedom to make my own decisions, and that is a beautiful thing.

*I hate that I am a pushover, that I can be roped into doing many things I don't want to do...But that means that I am caring and compassionate, that I will go out of my way to help other people, instead of always focusing on myself.

*I hate the extra pounds on my body...but they mean that I'm lucky enough to never go hungry.

*I hate that I procrastinate at work...but that means that I have a stable job that I am grateful for.

*I hate that I am overly emotional...but as much as that means that the sorrow in the world knocks the wind out of me...that means that my joys are more joyous too.

*I hate how thick and poofy my hair can be...but it proves that I am healthy and have never had to have medications which make me lose my hair.

*I hate that I get frustrated when I should just take a deep breathe and get over it..but that means that I have things in my life worth expending the energy to get frustrated about.

*I hate that I over analyze EVERYTHING...but that means that I have a brain that thinks and works and processes things so that I can express myself and hopefully one day change into the person I want to be.

-------------------

There are many more things that I could add to this. Many more flaws that I'm good at reminding myself of on a daily basis. I know it's a long road to learning to love yourself so I can't and won't expect it to happen over night. It's taken 20+ years for my thought processes to firmly cement themselves into the person I am today....but after writing these flaws down and taking away their power (if only for a moment) by turning them into positives? I'm feeling pretty okay with being me for the moment, and just want to go and enjoy my day.

Perfectly perfect imperfections and all.

Mother Nature Sucks. Except When She's Awesome.

2011-11-22T15:17:00.001-05:00

I get frustrated with mother nature lot of the time. Who me? Getting frustrated with things that are concepts? No...COULDN'T BE.

But when I hear about natural disasters destroying people, homes and beautiful places, when the weather drops below zero and my everything is cold, or when she can't make up her mind and has me layering an unlayering like it's nobody's business...I'm all..why you gotta be like that, yo. That's just NOT COOL.

Then she gives me beautiful sunsets and warm summer breezes and I'm like..okay maybe we can be friends. And then she's all..FREEZING RAIN SUCKA and I'm all..shudupIhateyou.

We have a love hate relationship it seems.

I just generally hate bad weather. Hate. Especially now, since my car accident..it just Freaks. Me. Out. Thinking that people are driving in it, thinking about ME having to drive in it..just its existence. Hate hate HATE.

So today, I was trying to mentally prepare myself for three hours of not speaking during my class today...all the while knowing my day would be super ridiculously long..when my Dad told me that the temperature was going to drop and it was going to rain.

Freezing rain.

L to the AME, Mother Nature.

So now? Now I'm stuck with the option of...a) going to class and hoping that the freezing rain doesn't stop until AFTER I get home from the 30-45 minute drive from my class which ends at 9:30 when the rain is supposed to start between 8 and 9 or b) not going to class and taking the night off to do absolutely NOTHING.

So after a little bit of pondering..I decided that man...I was not really feeling the whole..going to class thing. Plus, not going to class was the better weather option...playing chicken with freezing rain is NEVER a good choice..especially when the last time you drove in REGULAR rain at night..you totaled your car.

Plus, I couldn't feel guilty about NOT GOING because hey..I don't decide the weather.

And then I'm pretty sure I fell in love with mother nature all over again.

And we might have made out.

Just a little.

Sneaky little vixen.

Real Pants Are Bullshit. But Necessary If You Think You're Dying.

2011-11-21T23:25:00.000-05:00

Today I had a bunch of work to do, but I've been working on this whole 'trying not to be a grumpy miserable bitch' thing - so I got sucked into fun twitter conversations, and then eventually got down to doing some work.

After a while I shuffled around some papers and suddenly - I couldn't breathe.

I went from sitting and doing paperwork to gasping for air. First it felt like I just had something in my throat, but the more I sat there trying to swallow or trying to drink something, the worse it got. I got increasingly freaked out as I sat there my throat burning...something wasn't right and I had no idea what was wrong.

As I got off of my chair I felt more and more like something was suffocating me. Like I was choking. Like I couldn't breathe.

Each time I coughed I gasped for air and my throat BURNED and I was convinced that I was dying. That I was aspirating vomit into my lungs (How - I'm not really sure - but it crossed my mind), or that I was having a heart attack, or that I was having an allergic reaction to something (Which must have been delayed - since I had only drank water in the last three hours)

After attempting to tell my Mom that I was NOT okay and moving to the bathroom I continued to cough, but that just kept making it worse...so I tried not to cough. Which made me unable to breathe.

After thinking about it for a minute....I was convinced that I needed to go to the hospital. Things were not okay. Things were not right. I tried to signal to my Mom that I was most definitely not okay, and if anything..getting worse. While she's being ever so helpful and being like...DID YOU EAT SOMETHING WEIRD? ARE YOU HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE? WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING? (Thanks for those handy nursing tips, Mom - I couldn't exactly speak because I COULDN'T BREATHE.) I started to just try and breathe. All I wanted to do was breathe properly..because it felt like someone had put a giant weight on my chest, or was holding their hand over my trachea...breathing had become the hardest thing in the world to do..each breath painstakingly difficult and resulting in not nearly enough air.

Convinced that I was dying, I was like..shit...I need to go to the hospital..but I was convinced that I would die before getting the 1/2 hour plus there. So I was like..I need to call 911 and get help NOW...before I DIE. But then I was like..DUDE. You're wearing clothes not fit to be seen in public. YOU CAN'T CALL 911 WHEN YOU'RE WEARING TIGHTS AS PANTS BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO GET DRESSED.

Because hello. Clearly tights as pants in public trumps breathing.

So while I was trying to figure out where I left my damn (bullshit) pants, because apparently I'm GOOD AT LOGIC AND LIVING...I started being able to take the odd more normal breath.

And then another. And then a few gasps...and another. And suddenly..just as fast as my symptoms had started...they faded.

I turned to twitter and google to try and see if I was dying (Because *clearly*. HELLO - I'M GOOD AT LOGIC) when I got a giant pounding headache in my temples (which is still sort of kicking around) and twitter determined (much to my chagrin) that I had had an anxiety/panic attack.

I was not amused. Or convinced.

I've had what I thought pretty scary anxiety before. Heart beating out of my chest, exaggerated breathing, feeling completely lost and out of control. Unable to handle ANYTHING.

But this? This was NOTHING like anything I've ever experienced.

The closest thing I can compare it to is how I felt the night I slammed my car into a telephone pole - and though I was screaming and freaking out, unable to talk or make sense then...barely able to breathe...I knew why. I understood why. It made sense why.

Now?

It didn't make sense.

I was more calm then I had been in days. I have been pushing my emotions out of the way. I have been trying to be positive. I have been trying to be thankful. I have been trying to be better, to be more. If nothing else, I'm trying to fake it until I make it, because being a miserable person is just..stupid.

And then I found myself lying on the kitchen floor, unable to breathe. Gasping for air. Convinced I was dying. Wanting to live.

How could THIS be anxiety induced? Something that came out of the blue. I was not upset. I was not freaking out. I was not ANYTHING. But suddenly, I felt like I was fighting for my life...and it was one of the weirdest, scariest things EVER. The more I looked up online, the more I realised - holy crap yo, those really ARE all symptoms of a panic attack.

And yet - all I could think after...SHIT IMMA DIE...was...TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS IN PUBLIC. TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS IN PUBLIC. TIGHT ARE NOT PANTS IN PUBLIC AND THERE ARE GOING TO BE CUTE PARAMEDICS WONDERING WHO THE HELL WEARS TIGHTS IN PUBLIC.

And then thinking..MUST. PUT. ON. PANTS.

Even though PANTS ARE BULLSHIT. No pants in public is even MORE bullshit.

Priorities. I've got 'em.

Wherein I'm An Epic Fail.

2011-11-20T21:17:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time (before it was confirmed that I was indeed going to try and be a crazy cat lady) we had no cats in the house. We'd always had a cat or two around, so this was kind of weird..to not have a cat in the house. Living in the country though, we always just wait for jerks from the city to come and drop boxes of kittens along the side of the road. Some make it to barns, or houses - but the reality is that most don't make it because they're SMALL DEFENSELESS KITTENS.

Anyway.

So one night around dusk I was outside when I heard this sad pitiful sound. Thinking that I was hearing things I carried on what I was doing, and the sound stopped. Then I moved to another area, and it started again. I was utterly confused. Eventually I got my Dad to come and help me try to figure out what was going on, and we found this cute little kitten, which I promptly decided was mine.

So I took him inside, named him Tucker and called dibs. End of story.

Okay - so you know that's not really the end of the story. Duh.

He was an adorable little tabby kitten and he played about the house, went out and caught mice and generally had a good time living the farm life.

One day though, he went out to play and hadn't come back yet...when someone knocked on the door.

A handful of neighbour kids had been biking up and down the country road when they heard meowing sadly at the end of our driveway. Stopping to investigate as neighbour kids do, they found a cute little tabby kitten. Because the cat was tame, and brought him up our driveway and asked if he was ours.

As luck would have it, it was our little tabby Tucker, who seemed to have gotten scared or hurt or just plain tuckered out. (Ha - Aren't I *HILARIOUS*? No? SHUDUP.) So I brought him inside, but something just wasn't right. Had he been scared by an animal? Was he hurt? I just couldn't tell, so I brought him into my room that night where he cried and cried and cried - something was definitely not right.

In the morning, I told my Dad that I was going to take him to the vet - he had been crying all night, and just not being himself - something was DEFINITELY wrong. I made sure he knew not to let the cat out of the house, and went about getting ready for my day.

A little while later my Dad was outside when low and behold - Tucker had made a grand escape - there he was, weaving through my Dad's legs, saying goodmorning like he always did. Seeming like his perfectly NORMAL self - not his lovely spazastic self from the night before.

Knowing I would be upset that he had managed to get out of the house when he wasn't quite right, my Dad scooped him up and carried him back to the house, admonishing him for being a sneaky cat who had gotten out of the house.

Only to walk back in the house and see Tucker still there. Meowing away. Acting not at all like himself.

..Because it turns out Tucker Number 2 was not so much Tucker. And not so much a boy. And REALLY REALLY REALLY needed to go pee but had NO IDEA where the litterbox was.

Yep. Turns out...my cat has impersonators.

(He's basically like Elvis. Yanno.)

And it ALSO turns out I'm really bad at being a crazy cat lady.

I've got the crazy down no problem, bu shit yo - I can't even tell my cats apart. What kind of crazy cat lady can't tell her cats apart...WHEN SHE ONLY HAS ONE?

Either I need a boyfriend, or they need classes for this cat lady shit...

..Because I'm turning out to be the most epic of epic fails and am almost convinced that I should go back to trying out dating again...because I'm so horrendous at being a crazy cat lady - which is just stupid..because WHO THE HELL FAILS AT BEING A CRAZY CAT LADY?

Crazy cat lady was like...my safety school of dating.

I'm so screwed.

Anyone know any nunneries numbers?

I need a new backup. Like whoa.

The End Of The Rope.

2011-11-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

I am so tired.

Emotionally. Physically. And probably some other way that I'm way too tired to even contemplate thinking about right now.

I am just..exhausted.

Life as of late just seems to be filled with bad news after bad news.

My great aunt was in the hospital all last week with heart problems.

My great uncle got home this weekend from the hospital after having part of his tongue removed because it was cancerous. Yep. They REMOVED PART OF HIS TONGUE.

My aunt - oh god, that whole situation is just a mess. A fucking mess. Test after test. Doctors say it's cancer. Then other doctors look at the slides and say it's not. Then they do surgery. Then they do more tests. Then they do more biopsies. Then they say it's definitely not cancerous. Then they do one more biopsy because OH SHIT - If it's not CANCER - What the HELL is it? Oh - and this one is CANCEROUS AGAIN! Right. And then while they're making plans to go ahead with radiation and all this other crap, another specialists throws his hat in the ring and says 'NOPE! NOT CANCER!' - So it seems as though every few days, we go back to the beginning where someone say 'Yes, I'm sorry, you have ___ type of cancer' or someone says 'NOT CANCER!' - and then you get REALLY EXCITED or REALLY DEPRESSED and then they call two days later telling you the opposite is actually true. So right now I've pretty much lost all faith in the medical community and want to punch doctors in the junk. Don't tell me you have an answer unless you've got one. I know you're frustrated that you don't know what's going on either, especially since you're all specialists who are supposedly the best of the best, top doctors in Canada, whatever whatever - but you going back and forth is fucking with my head way more than anything. Seriously.

So tomorrow we head down to Toronno (Toronto - for you non Ontarians) where they're going to open up this possibly cancerous thing and remove part of it which could prove that it's cancerous, and if so spread the cancer - or could prove that it's actually snakes growing out of her FACE (My SIL and I may have made that one up today to keep ourselves from crying because life is ridiculous - but one of the first tests she had came back that it was something really weird, like worms or parasites growing in her neck. We of course extrapolated tonight to..it's either cancer or MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES IN HER MOTHER FUCKING HEAD. It could happen. Probably.)

Then on Friday she has a PET scan - Which I'm pretty sure is the last of the scans she can even have. Ultrasounds, xrays, MRI's CATscans, scopes like there is no tomorrow. If there is a test out there, she's probably had it.

Then, my pregnant cousin (the daughter of my aunt above - the mother of The Babe) had to go and do heart tests today, because something could be wonky and who knows what could be wrong. I'm doubtful and think they're just over precautious..but that in additon to her regular appointments and her moms appointments? Means that she has spent EVERY DAY this week in the hospital or doctors office. Which if it's nothing, I will be so happy..but SERIOUSLY UNIVERSE?! SERIOUSLY?!

OH! AND THE HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY DOESN'T EVEN END THERE! NOPE! Just you WAIT!

So then I get to my class tonight and I tell my SIL that I'm driving my aunt the 2.5+ hours (EACH WAY! IF THERE ISN'T ANY TRAFFIC!) to Toronto on Wednesday, Friday AND Monday..and she's all..Oh yeah? I'm driving my mom on Friday...shit's not right again - after they basically said..that's all we can do after she's been diagnosed three times with cancer..and then DID MORE..now they've tried more and more and MORE *everything* and she has to have MORE TESTS. So I was all...let's hang out while we wait for them.

BECAUSE WHO GOES ALL THE WAY TO TORONTO TO HANG OUT AT CANCER HOSPITALS WHEN WE LIVE TWO KILOMETRES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER?

We do.

Apparently.

So. I'm sick of bad news. I'm sick of asking how her mom is doing and fearing the worst. I'm sick of people getting sick. And now I'm scared that my Mom is going to have to be her Mom's nurse again....and it's so hard having to do that. To take care of someone who is so sick, especially someone you love and care about? Who means so much to your family? But WAIT - Maybe she won't - because maybe everything will be okay. Or maybe she'll be off on sick leave again herself because her body is screwed up too. Oh? Didn't I mention that? Her hemoglobin is in the 70's instead of around 125. Which basically means that she doesn't have enough energy to move. Plus, she's in all sorts of pain all of the time..and has to go for tons of tests herself. Wonderful eh?

Life is just fucking wonderful.

I've been trying so hard to pull myself up. To be positive. To not be a miserable excuse for a human being...

But I am TIRED. I am so god damn tired of everything. Of exhaustion. Of bad news. Of EVERYTHING. In EVERY sense of the word.

So come Friday? I'm throwing a KICK CANCER IN THE JUNK party at the hospital in downtown Toronto. With cupcakes. And profanity.

Which might just be me running around the hospital losing my shit, swearing and throwing cupcakes.

Anyone wanna come visit TO this weekend with some bail money?

I'll save you a cupcake.

Promise.

Heart = Happy (Liver = Surviving. For now.)

2011-11-08T14:30:00.000-05:00

The weekend that just passed was fantastical.

Seriously.

I had forgotten how good it feels to just do...nothing.

To sit on comfy couches and talk about life. To discuss where you are. To discuss where you're going. To discuss where you want to go. To talk about rings, and weddings and babies. To drink more wine than I've drank in a very long time.

To play cards, and laugh.

Oh - the laughter.

To devour snacks of a delicious nature.

To drink just a little bit more wine.

Where making plans to go and pamper yourself was considered almost *too much* planning for a girls weekend.

Where lunch is decided spur of the moment. Where you do what feels right, and enjoy it. Where you find yourself on a brewery tour at 3pm - and you're not quite sure how you ended up there - because you certainly didn't plan it. Where you laze about just being. Where can't stop talking...yet you're perfectly okay wafting in comfortable silence. Where you catch up. You share everything that's happened. That's happening.

Where you think - hey, let's just have one more glass of wine. And one glass turns into two. Bottles.

Where you dish all of the things that are weighing on your mind, your shoulders.

Where you don't want it to end - because that means going back to real life.

And life is so much easier when your best girlfriends are at your side.

Especially my best friends.

'Cause they always come prepared with stories, listening ears and wine.

I always say I wish we could do this all of the time.

Life would be so happy if we always were close to each other.

But there's a reason we only do this a few times a year.

And while some may think that it's jobs, obligations, distance and time...

The real reason is my liver.

May it rest peacefully in it's alcohol soaked pieces..

..Until next time.

The Last Mile

2011-10-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

I. Am. Exhausted.

Mentally. Physically. From pure exhaustion. From lack of sleep. From dealing with people. From putting out fires (metaphorical and literal [candy apples + lack of sleep do NOT = good things]). And from a million different things. I'm just..tired.

I am just..worn out.

I think the hardest thingn about a seasonal business is how..intense it is.

You have a few short months to make enough money to pay yourself, the bills and EVERYTHING else. While most people spread this stress out over a larger period of time, ours is one short season. One short little period of time. There are no chances to make it up if you have an off week, month of season. You can destroy everything, in no time at all because EVERYTHING depends on this little fraction of time.

So you can't stop. You quite literally will fail if you stop. If you take a deep breath. If you're not on things all of the time.

So you don't.

And even though it may seem like you're okay - like you've got things under control - you're freaking out on the inside.

But you keep plowing through.

Until you find yourself lying on the kitchen floor more evenings than not.

In fits of ugly crying. Which isn't even crying..but pure unadulterated sobbing.

Where you just want to give up, because even though you've made it this far, you know you've got to wake up in the morning and do it again.

And you're just not sure you can do it.

Where you're so exhausted that two (relatively) small days...seems like it's just way too much.

Where you know that in 48 small hours, you can sleep. You can take a break. You can breathe. You don't have to deal with BS and stupid things and you can just..be. At least for a little while.

But 48 hours seems like it's going to take forever to just pass you by.

And then life throws you another curve ball of stupid shit. Where you just don't know what to think. And you're just more confused.

Which is why you stare up at the sky wondering what the hell you did to deserve this.

If nothing else, the anxiety.

Where you wonder what the fuck the point is anymore.

Because you're just SO DAMN TIRED and life is SO DAMN UNFAIR.

And then the pot on the stove boils over, and you reach your own breaking point.

One more little thing.

The straw that broke the camels back.

And even though you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Even though you know that a reprieve is coming.

Even though you know that it's far from the end of the world, that things aren't that bad. That they could be worse. That even through all of the BS and all of the sadness and heartache and blah - you have things to be grateful for. And you should be grateful for. And you should just suck it up.

You're just...done.

Fini.

Finito.

Kaputt.

And even though you're SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS.

Even though you want to pull yourself up. Even though you want to survive.

You don't know how you're going to.

Even just the next two days.

Following rules is the new black. Or cocaine. Maybe both.

2011-10-27T08:11:00.001-04:00

Every year we have a few thousand kids show up over the course of a couple weeks for school tours to the farm. They get to go pumpkin bowling, they get to go for a wagon ride and pick their own pumpkin, they run through the various mazes, they watch the pumpkin cannon and yes - they even learn a little about farming.

When they kids show up though? We do a chat before they get started. I learned the hard way that though you might THINK that some things are rather implied...They're not. And that if you don't set up guidelines - people will be assholes. And parent volunteers and even teachers will let the kids get away with EVERYTHING. Including smashing the hell out of every pumpkin they see. Trust me, it's happened.

So, I have rules.

When the kids get off the bus, they gather in a group and I introduce myself and welcome them to the farm. Tell them that they're going to have a really great day, but we just need to go over the rules first. Then I tell them that the rules are pretty easy peasy, and there are just 1, 2, 3 of them.

Next I egg them on. Get them really excited about the fact that they GET! TO! FOLLOW! RULES! and by the time we even GET to the rules they're bouncing out of their FACES being all OMGZ THERE ARE RULES AND WE ARE SO SPECIAL WE GET TO FOLLOW THEM AND WE CAN TOTALLY DO ALL OF THE PUMPKIN FARM RULES BECAUSE WE'RE SO FULL OF THE AWESOME.

(Child psychology? Yeah, I aced that class.)

So we start off all..okay..rule number one..here it goes..think you guys can handle it? And they're all YEAAAAAAH! (because who ISN'T pumped about rules?!) And I tell them that this is the EASIEST rule because they already do this EVERY DAY in their classrooms. So I go into detail about how today, my first rule is that they need to be kind and respectful to everyone and everything. And how on that farm that means they've gotta be nice to all of the PEOPLE, all of the ANIMALS and even all of the pumpkins. And they're all - HAHAH! BEING NICE TO PUMPKINS! THAT'S SO SILLY! And then I'm all...you guys think you can do my first rule? Can you be nice and kind and respectful (note how I say it OVER and OVER and OVER again. Repetitive drill + small childrens heads = my rule chats being full of AWESOME) to all of the PEOPLE and ANIMALS and PUMPKINS.

And they're like...YEAAAAAAH!

So what're you guys going to be nice and kind and respectful of today?

And they're all "PEOPLE! ANIMALS!! PUUUUUUUUMPKINS!" (laugh laugh laugh)

And I'm like - PERFECT! You guys are SO AWESOME at rules.

And they're all EATING IT UP like..HOLY SHITBALLS we ARE awesome at rules. We rock the socks off EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY RULES.

So I'm all...Okay..Rule number one..Being kind and respectful..you guys ready for rule number two?

And they're all: HELL YEAH WE ARE.

And then I break it to them. I'm gonna tell them a secret. And I get super intense. And I'm all..do you guys wanna know my secret? And they're all hooked on me like I'm cocaine. Or candy on Nov. 1st. And they're wide eyed and friggen READY to know my secret like whoa. So I let them in on the secret that all of the grownups that are in their group? They can be REALLY REALLY silly - and sometimes? They get LOST. Can they even BELIEVE IT?! So then I put them in CHARGE of making sure their grownup DOESN'T GET LOST. That means they need to know where their grownup is at ALL TIMES - because I don't want to hear about any lost grownups. And they're all? WE'RE IN CHARGE OF SOMETHING! MAN! THIS GIRL THINKS WE'RE BIG ENOUGH TO BE IN CHARGE! WE CAN'T LOSE OUR GROWNUPS. GOT IT. Rule number two. Always know where your silly sneaky disappearing grownup is.

Then I tell them it's time for rule number three. And I'm like..wait...man..you guys already have rule number one..where you've gotta be kind and respectful to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. And then you've got rule number two where you've ALWAYS gotta know where your grownup is because you can't lose them - And I sigh. And I take a deep breath...and I'm all..Man...You guys think you can handle THREE. WHOLE. RULES?

And they're all.....YEAAAAAAH!

And I'm all...Nahhh...I dunno. I don't know if you can.

And they're all NO SERIOUSLY. WE REALLY REALLY CAN.

And I'm all...I dunno...are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WITHOUT A DOUBT IN YOUR MIND SURE THAT YOU CAN DO ALL THREE OF MY RULES?!

And they're all I EAT RULES AND SPIT THEM OUT FOR BREAKFAST, YO. BRING IT.

So I'm like..okay...if you guys think you can handle being kind AND respectful....and then *not* losing your grownup...I GUESS I'll *give* you rule number three..

And little kids are fist pumpin' and so excited that I'm GIVING THEM MORE RULES.

So I get down on their level. I'm low to the ground. I drop my voice so they're STRAINING to hear me.

And then I quietly say...Today...when you guys go to the pumpkin farm...after my first two rules (and I again - REPEAT THEM) I would like for you guys to go and have lots...and lots...and lots and lots and lots AndLotsAndLotsandLOTSAndLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS (And by this time I'm counting all of the LOTS' on my fingers and getting REALLY loud) (And then I pause and on the inside the kids are like 'OMG JUST TELL US! TELL US NOW! IF YOU DON'T TELL US WE MIGHT DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) (and so I end my last LOOOOOOTS with).....OF FUN.

And they're all:

WOOOO! YEAAAAH! I LOVES FUN! FUN IS AWESOOOOOOOOOOOME! OMG RULES ARE THE GREATEST THING THAT HAVE EVER BEEN INVENTED AND WE'RE SO LUCKY THAT WE GET TO HAVE THEM! SWEEEEEEEEEET!

And then all day when I see kids around and about - I'm like "WOW - THAT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN! AWESOME JOB ON RULE NUMBER THREE!"

Or "WHOA! THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU! You are ROCKING rule number one!"

Or "YAY YOU! YOU'VE GOT YOUR GROWNUP WITH YOU! THAT MEANS YOU HAVEN'T LET THEM GET LOST! HIGH FIVE FOR FOLLOWING RULE NUMBER TWO DUDE!"

And they're all...HOLY SHIT RULES ARE AWESOME.

And then suddenly all of the kids within ear shot of me hear me congratulating someone for follow rule number WHATEVER...and they start acting different and are all...I LOVE FOLLOWING RULES. I WANT A HIGH FIVE. I BETTER SHOW HER HOW GOOD I AM AT FOLLOWING THE RULES. And they're going OUT OF THEIR WAY to show off for me that THEY KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE IN PUBLIC and *gasp* FOLLOW MY RULES.

And I'm all...Man...world domination? I gots this. Gimme some five year olds and we're SET.

Trick or Treat

2011-10-26T19:29:00.000-04:00

Halloween never use to be something I really enjoyed. Being more of a salty rather than sweet person, as a child I *enjoyed* getting lots of candy - but was rather eh about the whole thing. I hated dressing up. I hated being the centre of attention and I *HATED* being scared. When it came to trick or treat? I always hated those people who liked to be "funny" and play tricks...Because being scared is one of the WORST feelings in the world for me. Heart racing, hard to breathe, anxiety soaring kind of feelings.

These days though? It seems like all I am, everyday, is scared.

It has been over a month now, since my aunts first doctors appointment.

The one where they said it didn't look good.

The one where her GP referred her to specialists.

She has seen specialists. And then more specialists. She's has tests. And then more tests. She's had surgery. She's been referred to other specialists in bigger cities. She's been to squeezed into doctors appointments before surgery, called the day before for MRI's and still?

No answers.

Oh - there have been answers. Yes. The answers..they have been all over the map. It's cancer. It doesn't look cancerous. It's DEFINITELY cancer. It's a basal cell carcinoma. We need to find the primary site. You have to have surgery. We can't find the primary site. Maybe it's not basal cell carcinoma. Maybe it's lymphoma. Maybe we should do another biopsy. Maybe we need to do ANOTHER fine needle aspiration. It presents as this, or that - but doesn't make SENSE if it IS this or that. We can't tell you what it is. We don't KNOW what it is.

The specialists here don't know. The specialists THERE don't know.

They can't make up their minds.

Some labs say it's cancerous. Some tests indicate it must be. We've been told multiple times that it is. Without a doubt, it's cancerous.

Others, agree. Some don't.

But now? Again? They've changed their minds. It's back to square one. Inconclusive results. At this point we have to treat it as if it is cancer, but we don't know. We don't know. We don't know.

One of the best oncologists is Canada is stumped and refuses to say ANYTHING - because he just..doesn't know.

I'm at a loss for words. I don't want to get my hopes up.

Alas, it's all I can do to NOT get my hopes up.

When you're told over and over again that someone you love has cancer...it's enough to drive you insane. To make your mind go crazy. And then to entertain the possibility that maybe the almighty doctors might not know EVERYTHING - that maybe they're WRONG? It's bizarre. It's as though someone is playing tug of war with your heart. Of course it can happen. They're only HUMAN after all... but suddenly - you can't help but cross every single appendage you have. Because this is the kind of news people never get. This is the kind of news every single person who has ever had a sick person in their life dreams of.

But at the same time, I'm so worried that the next doctors appointments will tell us we got our hopes up for nothing. That we're going to have to go into a fight against a disease with our guns blazing.

Basically, it has been over a month - and we're still on this crazy roller coaster where no one can tell us anything. Where we know nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Except that we're grateful for healthcare. And family. And love.

So we'll be heading to Toronto on Halloween for an appointment with a specialist, oncologist and radiologist. In hopes of getting some good news. Or at least some answers. Or direction.

I'm really hoping for an extra special Halloween treat this year.

No more tricks, kay life?

I really don't like 'em. At all.

Never have, never will.

The Game of Life.

2011-10-21T08:02:00.001-04:00

My cousins husband is a packrat. Wait. Scratch that. If she LET him - he would be the worlds most ABSOLUTE packrat. When he moved here from South Africa, he discovered garage sales. Or as he likes to call them, treasure sales.

Needless to say - we limit the garage sales he's allowed to go to. And how much money he brings. And how much stuff he's allowed to bring home..because DUDE - you can get A LOT of random stuff for $5 at a garage sale. Or at least HE can.

Truth be told - he has come home with some pretty sweet treasures. Like the time he brought home all sorts of classic Disney movies. Even though NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD OWNS A VCR ANYMORE. Turns out, his father in law had one. And so he was the lucky recipient of a whole lotta Disney VHS's. Lucky bum.

This summer though? He found some pretty sweet deals and brought them home for us. Which is why we spent a Saturday night playing The Game of Life.

Remember how AWESOME that game use to be? No? Just me that use to be obsessed with it? Well, I LOVED it. So much. It was all so clear cut. It all was simple and made sense. You either went to school, or you got a job. Simple. There was no option of 'Go to school, bomb out' or 'Go to school, decide to COMPLETELY CHANGE YOU MIND and do something COMPLETELY RANDOM' or 'Travel! Because travelling is AWESOME.' - It was either you go to school or you get a job. Simple as that.

Then, after you completed that roadblock - you got a job. Everyone got a job. And a salary. Minimum wage back then was (apparently) even better than it is now. Whodda thunk it.

Next - You needed to stop again. It was time for you to get married. The picture clearly outlines that a blue driver in the car gets a pink passenger. And vice versa. I suppose you COULD have broken the rules and gone all CRAZY on the game - but it was pretty clear that you were supposed to have a partner of the opposite sex.

A few steps later? Ding ding ding..it was time for kids! And kids you would have! Do not pass go without having at LEAST one child.

Finally - you'd pay some bills, you'd have all sorts of crazy adventures (a lot of them seem fairly fun? Like dropping ten grand on a painting at an art show.) and then you wind up at the end of your 'life' where your worth and whether you win or not is based purely on how profitable you were.

ie: How much money did you earn.

Not - what kind of life did you live.. - but purely on how much are you worth.

While I found it intriguing, saddening and a whole lot of scary how much of an indication of what the world has become and what our society values - it was crazy how this game really does mirror life in a lot of ways. Not necessarily in a BAD way - it's just crazy that there are no other options. That's just the way LIFE is *supposed* to go. Maybe I'm looking too much into a board game. WHATEVER.

Regardless...that..along with a lot of other things has made me stop and think. It's made me question a lot of things. It's made me step back and look at a lot of things.

But it's hard to stop and take a step back from life sometimes. From that fact that we are so wrapped up in our own lives. That we have to follow this certain path and that we are the most important thing that matters. Life moves quickly. It moves so fast in fact - that it sometimes becomes hard to not be wrapped up in our own lives. They are what we know. They are familiar. They are what we live and breathe on a daily basis. Of course we are wrapped up in our own lives. They are OURS, after all.

But sometimes, though I notice them...I forget about the beings INSIDE all of the other players in our own little game of life.

I get so busy doing my daily life things that I forget that my actions have consequences. That my words, my tone, my being affects others. Positively or negatively - I'm not actually just sitting in my own little car doing my own little thing - everything I do effects everyone else around me. Which effects everyone around THEM. And so on and so on and so on.

Can you imagine how changing one little thing - a smile, going the extra mile, stopping and helping someone - how that could change your life, their life, and on and on and on. It's rather insane when you think about it. How little tiny changes that seem so insignificant to you can change something or someone, which changes another thing - and suddenly HOLY SHIT MAYBE THERE REALLY ARE PARALLEL UNIVERSES.

Alas. Sometimes....I really forget that we can have such an effect. That it's possible. That my actions, my words and the way I live my daily mundane life can change so much.

I would like to assume that others forget this too. And that's why the world is the way that it is. This is not to say that the world is a BAD place - it is not intrinsically bad - but there are definitely bad parts to it. Just as there are good.

Lately though, I feel like more often than not, people are so consumed with a million different things - that they forget that everyone else is human too.

That mistakes happen. That things are forgotten. That sometimes, life just isn't fair.

The more people I see, the more I wonder what people are thinking anymore. Are they so consumed with everything around them that they've forgotten about the actual humans inside of the beings? Are we so use to electronics and conversing through them that the human element of life is becoming obsolete?

Some days, I wonder.

When I see someone speak to another person and treat them how no one would ever want to be treated - I wonder.

When I hear about violence and anger and bad things in the world - I question.

When I feel the pain of one person hurt by another - I worry.

Why do we so often forget? Forget that each person who graces this earth with their presence is another human being. A human being who despite any and all faults - is still a person. A person who has parents. Siblings. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. Who has experienced loss. Who has experienced love. Who has talents. Who has contributed in some way - no matter how large or small - to the being that is our society. We forget that we all have feelings. We forget that the person walking down the street without an umbrella feels each and every raindrop as it soaks into their skin. We forget that they have their own story, their own ideas, their own feelings - good are bad - and that those are okay. Even if they're different than ours. We so often forget - that the screaming toddler in the restaurant has a mother on her last nerve, who hasn't slept properly in weeks just wants to celebrate someone she loves birthday. We forget our rush to be somewhere - that the man who walks slowly in front of us down an aisle of a busy store has spent his years doing his part to make our world a better place. We forget to remember that the person who is rude to us might be carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, or the person who cut in front of you in traffic may have been in a rush for reasons we have no idea of. We so often forget that everyone around us has their own beautiful story - their own heartache and sorrow. Their burdens, their light and their love and their everything else.

I'm trying to be kinder. More compassionate. Empathetic. Because people are like icebergs...You never know what's underneath the surface. So, you might as well smile, be nice and try to make the world a better place. Because you never know what people are dealing with. You never know what the simple act of kindness could do.

It's hard to break out of your daily bubble. It's hard to put yourself in others shoes. It's hard to live with that much empathy and compassion for others when your own life feels like it hangs in the balance by threads...

..But it's important to remember.

To remember that each person you interact with - at any level, at any point - is just another human being trying to make their way through this crazy game of life. And while The Game of Life might ACTUALLY be a little crazy and outdated and a whole lot to wrap your head around?

It's nothing like the real thing.

That's a doozy.

Things that are awesome

2011-10-20T15:50:00.001-04:00

Here is some internet awesome that I've found lately:

8 Month Old Hears Mom For The First Time - Watch MoreFunny Videos

O.M.G. Okay - so I know that there are SO MANY arguments and so much debate around cochlear implants....but DUDE. Especially after a month of taking sign language class where you don't hear the spoken word for three hours, and getting a SMALL glimpse into the deaf culture? This makes me go...HOLY AMAZING BATMAN.

Food puns? YES PLEASE. Drop that beet? Bawhaha. Okay, so I'm easily amused. WHATEVER. Awesome times a bazillion.

Then, this video also made me cry:

I've always grown up believing that people should be allowed to live in a world where they are safe, happy and allowed to be what they are. I've been to one wedding of a gay couple so far in my life. I also have a large portion of other friends and acquaintances that happen to be L.G.B.T.STRAIGHT.WHATEVER. You know, my friends. I can't imagine not having them and their unique awesome in my life. I can't imagine not going to ANY of their weddings. Gay or straight. I can't imagine them not being allowed to have the same basic rights as all of our other friends. I just can't. Knowing them as the amazing people they are - I have to wonder why in the world any place or person would want to not allow someones life to be so full of love, to be recognised in the same way that our society has done for thousands of years. It boggles my mind. Which is why I bawled through this video, just wishing that these people had the same basic rights as the rest of the peeps in the world who happen to be straight.

Okay - so you have to click on this one - I can't embed it - but it's worth it. For real. 'CAUSE look. An ASL music video. Yes. You read me right. Can you tell that this is crazy important in my life right now? You can actually find all sorts of music videos for people who are hard of hearing on this website (Deaf Professional Arts Network) - which are actually crazy cool and emotional for me too. I've linked one here..but check out the cover of Beautiful - or any of the others. Rather amazing to watch.

And to round out todays awesome...

Babies. Doing cute hilarious baby things.

Excuse me, I think my uterus just sighed when I wasn't paying attention.

Don't forget to smile today.

Or you know, share more internet awesome you've found with me. It makes the happy go round.

I'm alive? Who knew.

2011-10-19T21:42:00.000-04:00

I've deserted you, dear blog. I know.

I've been trying to find the time to write, and the words.

Neither have been forthcoming.

Here's a brief summary of what's been going on: (and if you know me at ALL - you'll know that there is no way in hell the following will be considered anything but brief. My apologies. I also apologize because I fear the following blather will not be exciting, interesting or anything of the sort. But since you're reading THIS - you're probably use to that. So carry on. Or not. Whatevah. Man. This is already the OPPOSITE of brief.)

*Work is slowing down..sort of. Though it's still really busy right now..it's mostly manageable. I've got about 600 ideas in my head of things that I *need* to do this winter. Now I just need to get them DONE. Or at least started. Also? Today I made friends with a little girl who was lost. She had no idea she was lost. She also couldn't tell me her name or what school she was with. She just wandered around the store going 'What's THIS?' 'What's THIS?' What's THIS?' After about ten minutes I finally got out of her (and underSTOOD) what her name was. It took me another ten minutes to find her missing class. Turns out she'd gotten on the wrong tractor ride and no one noticed until they got off and the teacher was like..uhh..I've never seen this kid before. The little kid was just like...I have a pumpkin! And kept jumping up and down. We've been having a few hundred kids visit the farm each day. It's exciting. It's stressful. It's a little bit crazy. Today a school bus drove one of the (BRAND NEW!) gates on the end of the driveway halfway down the road.

*I stopped one day at the grocery store and ended up picking up some brie to go with my wine that evening. Turns out I love brie way too much (This we already knew.) and have now devoured more than half of the package in a week. Which is directly related to why I'm joining a gym.

* My birthday was what it was. I've never been that big on my birthday - not because I'm that concerned about the age..but it's just never been that big of a deal to me. It is what it is. If it's a good day, that's nice. If it's not - that's okay too. Good days are good days, and eh days are eh days. Why should a birthday determine when you have good or bad days? This year was spent entertaining a one year old in a hospital waiting room while my aunt had surgery. A far cry from the year I spent it a top the Eiffel Tower drinking wine and squeeing with one of my best travel friends. And then was sang happy birthday in ten languages at our hostel while we drank WAY too much beer and were told to 'shut up and go to bed or get out' - which is why at 3am we found ourselves out on the streets of Paris looking for more beer. Regardless...I'd give up all of my birthdays for the rest of my life if it meant that my family would be healthy again.

* My aunt is neither here nor there. Everything we are told is confusing beyond belief. It doesn't make sense. These things confuse me greatly. Conflicting doctors opinions, no clear dignosis - second opinions and tumors that cannot be found. Tumors that shrink on their own. Tumors that appear out of no where. It's just all so..confusing. It changes on a daily basis, and no one can figure out quite what is going on. She's seeing another oncology specialist in Toronto tomorrow, and then hopefully we will know better from there where to go with future surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. It's just all so weird, I don't even know where to begin. And then talk to me about knowing what to do to help? I have no idea where to even start. This week my cousin and I are going to make meals and put them in the freezer for them. It seems that when I don't know what to do - I cook and feed everyone.

*Related to the last point: I'm really need to join a gym. ASAP.

*I got a new car! Okay. Well. My Mom got a new car. And then she gave me her old car. It's scary to drive still. I don't really like driving that much anymore..but it's a necessary evil. Especially when you live in the middle of nowhere. Well. Actually. My mother hasn't been driving her new car for some weird reason. So I've been driving it. It's nice. And pretty.

*I have a love/hate relationship with my chiropractor. He's slowly but surely fixing my body. I have days that...suck. Plain and simple. And other days that I forget that I was ever sore. It's getting better. Slowly. But surely. I think.

*I am SO lucky. So lucky. There are not even words to describe it...but I really am. In SO many ways.

*My friend Margaret moved into a nearby town. This makes my life so happy there are not words to describe it. We are kindred souls, to an extreme. We can laugh and talk and be our crazy selves for hours. We know when the other needs a shoulder to lean on- and we just..get each other.

*The weather lately has not been nice. It scares me. It scares me how much my mood and my disposition changes with the changing seasons. In the last week it has been gray and miserable, and I have been doing everything in my power to keep my mood from doing that as well. There is something about winter that just makes me want to sink into a bed full of blankets and never leave again. I need a little more *nice* fall weather to keep me going through what may be another long winter. I'm trying to set things in place to make sure the winter isn't so bad. Honestly though? Winter scares me. It feels like it takes me all of summer to recover from winter..and then I'm back there again. And I find myself, catch myself, see myself sometimes..and I freak out - because I already feel the changing season strangling me. I'm weird, I know.

*My Dad's dog may be the cutest thing that has ever existed. She's also so smart it's scary. And by so smart, I mean she's ridiculously well behaved. Today someone left a deli bag of sandwich meat on the counter, and she was all..WHOA DUDES! WHAT'S THIS! So I guess after a while she couldn't contain herself anymore and got up to the height of the counter, grabbed the (closed) bag and brought it to my Dad. I can't decide whether she was like 'Daaaad..Open this for meeeeeeeeeee' - or whether she was like 'You need to put this shit away. The smell is driving me insane and pretty soon I will no longer be able to be held accountable for my actions.' - Either way. What kind of dog brings a bag of meat to her owner and is like..meat? I have this bag of meat I'm not supposed to have. Here you go" Maybe she's just weird. Or awesome. She must take after me.

*There is a New Babe coming to our family sometime soon. Next April, The Babe will transform into being a big brother! I'm ridiculously excited to have another new little babe in the family. The Original Babe is getting so big - and though I love all of the firsts, all of the new things he's discovering and able to do - and though I love him to pieces - there is something wonderful and magical about a new baby.

*Thinking about babies and how they start out as virtually nothing and turn into REAL HUMAN BEINGS kind of freaks me out and blows my mind. In the uhh..cute way.

* There you go. Not really exciting or entertaining. But a little bit of an update.

Your regularly scheduled programming will return.

When? How? Where?

Only time will tell.

This blather was a step in the right direction to me being around and blogging more.

Probably.

Roller Coaster Ride, For One.

2011-10-02T20:26:00.001-04:00

I'd never really been in an accident before.

Okay - so I put my car into the ditch once before on a really horrible patch of black ice coming around a corner, down a hill where the road opens up on both sides with water on each. I narrowly missed landing in a lake, and landed in a snow bank instead. It was actually ridiculous similar to this accident, except in the daytime. Though the first time, I slowed down and landed in a large pile of fresh powdery snow. You know, instead of speeding up and landing in a telephone pole. The first time, the tow-truck driver pulled me out, and I went on my way back to school. The second time - more than four years later..the same tow truck driver (What - It's a SMALL TOWN) took my car away and I went off to the hospital.

Tomato, tomato...right?

The first accident (which I don't even know if it can be called that...Since no one was hurt, nothing needed any maintenance and I went on my merry (though infinitely more cautious) way.) didn't change my life. It just didn't. I was in the middle of a very intense year of teachers college. I was in the midst of writing papers, doing exams, planning lesson plans and preparing for jumping on a plane and flying to Africa. It happened. It freaked me out. But I had to move on and do everything that needed to be done. I just had to. I had to drive myself to school. I had to hand in papers. I had to go to class. I had to do all of the things I normally did.

This time round, this are a little (or a lot) different.

There was a lot more damage to both my car..and me.

Quite honestly? I feel like shit. I feel elated. I feel grateful. I feel terrified. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster filled with emotions and various levels of pure physical pain - and there are twists and turns and ups and downs that go on forever.

I'm trying to rest because my body has taken a beating. I'm sore and bruised and banged up. Yesterday I was in more pain than I've ever been in my entire life - and I am notorious for having a ridiculously high pain tolerance. I'm use to not stopping when I'm in physical pain. I work through it. I power through it. I just do what needs to be done, to hell with the rest.

So now? When I literally, physically HAVE to? Oh, the guilt.

It eats away at me.

But even the guilt of not being able to do what I need to do, to be what I need to be..it's nothing compared to the things happening in other areas of my mind right now.

My mind won't stop racing. It won't stop reliving things. It won't stop thinking.

Surprised? No? Yeah, me either. In reality.

I guess that despite me being a ridiculous emotional person, I didn't expect such an emotional reaction.

Though what could you expect? Who thinks about these things? I guess I just never really thought about mental states being changed because of something like this. It makes sense on a lot of levels...I just never really..thought about it before.

I'm torn between wanting to go out and live my life to the fullest - because you just never know.

And hiding from the world in my room, never coming out for anything - because you just never know.

It's just such an odd state to find myself in. With a lot of the conclusions I've been drawing in life being so drastically different than just a few days ago.

It's amazing how your life, your perspective..your..everything..can change. So quickly. So dramatically.

It's crazy to think about how one little thing, one little moment..can change the course of everything..forever.

And now...I find myself wanting to live. Excited to live. Thankful I'm alive...but also..scared to live.

I'm grateful to be here and I can't stop reliving it in my head and wondering how I got so damn lucky.

But at the same time? I'm a little (or, a lot) scared.

Maybe that's okay though.

Sure, feelings kinda suck sometimes. They're loud and obnoxious and get in the way. They don't always do what you want them to do. They never let you go and just put them away so you can have a good time or a night off...but on the flip side?

They remind you that you're alive.

And right now, above all?

I'm happy to be reminded of that.

Find A Penny, Pick It Up..

2011-09-30T21:07:00.002-04:00

Today I had to go and clean out my car.

I had to walk back up to it's normal looking self, and go around to the passenger side which was all banged up.

I was faced with the reality that it could have been SO. MUCH. WORSE.

The car? Looks like it's going to be a write off. It will be more to fix it than it's worth.

But it's a car. It's replaceable. It's old and though a mighty car filled with memories, it is just a car.

So my (wonderful) SIL drove me (slowly) to the lot where it was being held. She helped me load all of my crap that ends up living in my car (Papers. Books. Clothes. Things I had bought while doing errands earlier that day - The usual when it feels like you half live out of your car) and we put it into boxes and bags and loaded it into her car.

There were a lot of random things in my car. Old reciepts. Sweaters. Unopened diet cokes. The general life and times of a twenty something who loathes cleaning her car.

But every time I took something else out, or looked somewhere in the car..I found pennies.

I stopped counting after twenty.

On the floor of the drivers seat. On the back seat. On the floor. Under the seats. In the trunk.

They were everywhere.

I have no idea where they came from. I had some change in the front of my car..but it was all still there, being it's normal change self.

Everywhere I turned though? There were pennies. Tons of pennies.

After seeing the damage...after days of the same sequence of events playing out in my head on repeat...after realising how much worse it could have been...

Seems I needed the luck.

It may not seem like crashing your car could be construed as lucky in any way, shape or form..

But today? I know just how lucky I am.

The pennies reminding me were just icing on today's cake.

It's Gettin' Real In Here.

2011-09-29T22:36:00.005-04:00

My mental state has not been the best lately.

I've been trying to pull myself up and snap back into my 'normal' self, but it always seemed like a losing battle.

I kept saying that I needed a sign. That I needed something to wake me up and jolt me back to reality.

And I kept stumbling across things. Writing things. Reading things. Seeing things.

Things that should have woken me up and made me realise. That maybe the universe was sending me.

Then my aunt got her test results back, and the results were anything but happy.

And that should have woken me up, I should have got it.

But I don't know if I did. It didn't sink it. It hasn't sunk in.

So I drove home, upset.

But I pulled over because I was crying. I sat on the side of the road so that I didn't get into an accident.

I calmed myself down. I wiped away my tears. I turned on my windshield wipers and started driving home.

As I drove down the road, I swore as I coughed and my wheel caught the shoulder of the highway.

I gripped the wheel tighter as I yo-yo'd from one side of the road to the other.

I screamed as my car spun like it was a teacup at Disney and bright lights flashed in front of me making everything a blurr.

Invocations of deity fell out of my mouth as my car slammed into a telephone pole and came to a stop.

Tears flowed as I realised that I was still alive.

I gasped for air as I grabbed my purse and fell out of my car trying to find my phone.

Hysterical sobs erupted as I tried to tell my Dad where I was and I couldn't find the words...When I looked up and didn't know what side of the road I was on.

Raindrops fell on my face as my heart raced while I stood in the absolute darkness on the dark country highway where there are no lights.

My body shook with sobs as a man led me to sit in his truck.

My hands quivered as I tried to talk on the phone.

My being collapsed as my Dad wrapped me in his arms.

My fingers refused to work as I tried to get my license out of my wallet.

My body ached as I sat in a neck brace at the hospitals waiting room.

Goosebumps invaded my skin as I moved my aching body around for xrays.

Fear could not be escaped as we drove home and I cringed every time my weary exhausted eyes looked at the road.

A calming warmth came over me as I collapsed into a waiting bed as the sun came up and my Mom tucked me in and gently kissed my forehead.

So universe - if this is your way of waking me up. Of telling me not to waste my life. To take better care of myself. To enjoy things. To get help. To WHATEVER? You can stop now.

As the accident played out in what felt like mere moments, and endless hours - I got it.

As my heart raced and I screamed incoherant words and felt like I was in some horrible movie - I got it.

As I recited the same words over again: spun, pole, it hurts here, I can't have cillians over and over again at the hospital- I got it.

As I sat on a bed in the ER with silent tears streaming down my face for a million different reasons - I got it.

Message received.

Loud and clear.

No more signs or interventions needed - mmmk universe?

I want to be alive.

Even though I'm now scared shitless..Even though I have no idea where or how to start. Even though my heart races and it's hard to breathe...Even though I have no idea what I'm doing..

For the first time in a long time...I want to live. I want to REALLY live.

I need to.

Thanks for another chance. Thanks for waking me up.

I don't think there will be a next time I need to be quite this jolted..but if there is...would you mind being a little more gentle?

I've got a lot of living left to do.

Today is brought to you by the letter W. And today's word is...worry.

2011-09-22T16:54:00.000-04:00

This morning was filled with doctors appointments for three members of my family that I love dearly..and they have only brought more questions than answers. Regular checkups gone awry. Things that should be nothing - have lead to appointments with specialists and tests, test, more tests, and the prescription of some heavy duty drugs. What should have been in and out..ended up being more worry, more anxiety than everything.

While I'm trying to be positive and strong and 'Of COURSE it will be fine!' on the outside..on the inside?

I'm freakin' the hell out.

I took my uncle for an xray of his lungs the other day, and it turns out that he is in congestive heart failure. So now they're pumping him full of drugs and we're hoping and praying for the best..that he's just able to bounce back and his body can recover from this..that the drugs do their job and all of that jazz..

But after that - which in itself is worrying and stressful - my aunt had a checkup, after WAY TOO LONG of a wait (in which I said MULTIPLE TIMES that she should just go to the ER and have it looked at) for her doctor..to look at a lump in her lymph nodes on the side of her neck. And then she immediately had to go and have a bunch of tests done, and now has a bunch more scheduled for tomorrow. Ultrasounds and fine needle aspirations and bloodwork and yadda yadda yadda. The doctor basically told her nothing - except that it really doesn't look good - and then gave her paperwork to take with her to the hospital today..which had a huge list of possible prognosis - anything from an abscess, to a cyst to lung cancer. Way to NOT freak us out. Thanks.

And then finally, my poor little babe - my favourite little boy...had his one year checkup today, instead of a month ago like he should have.

And everything was fine. She said that he's extremely active and bright. He said hi to her, and showed off his vocabulary..DOGS! CAT! FISH! TREES! GRASS! CARS! And on and on...everything looked good.

He had grown taller, his head got bigger - but he gained..no weight.

None.

In four months.

Worrying - especially since he was on the very very VERY low end scale for weight to begin with.

At 13 months, he weighs 17lbs. What he weighed at 9 months, and only a couple more pounds than he weighed at 6 months. I know babies that are half his age, that weigh more than him.

Now - he's a pretty skinny baby, he always has been. He's never been super chubby, he's never had a ton of fat on him..and he moves around like CRAZY...but he also eats a TON...but still - worrying.

So now he has to go and have bloodwork done. Testing for all sorts of crazy insane things. Thyroid problems, this, that - everything in the book - even checking for the possibility of Cystic Fybrosis.

So now - even though I know that he's probably fine. That we'll make it through all of this shit?

I'm worried. I'm worrying. I wish I could make everyone else stop worrying. I wish that I could make it all better, and take away everything.

Alas - I can't.

All I can do is be here, and hope that this is all excessive. That the doctor is just taking super extra precautions. That things that could be issues, aren't. That medications will do their job. That people won't be sick. And that everything turns out okay.

But still, I worry.

So universe - if you could throw a bone our way with some decent test results, quick recoveries and easy answers? I'd be really super duper over the top appreciative. Promise.

Perogie Perils

2011-09-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

I go to a lot of farmers markets, which means that there are a lot of early mornings and asking how peoples grandchildren are and the like.

There is also lots of food.

Yes - the kind that you can buy and go home and cook and it's delicious and fresh and straight from the garden!

..And also the kind that some kind vendor has made and is selling for immediate consumption.

That's the kind of food I'm talking about.

Samosas. Sandwiches. Bisquits. Kettle corn. Dips. Crackers. CUPCAKES - And about 17 million other things that I can't prounounce, but will point and say "TWO PLEASE!"

And then there are the perogies.

OH THE PEROGIES.

The ones at our farmers market are the best and worst perogies you can ever find.

They're filled with this delicious cheese and potato mixture, that makes you go NOM NOM NOM outloud.

Plus, they're fried. So that's gotta be a bonus. Unless you're someones waistline.

So they're like this amazing fried perogie goodness..that are covered in this magical mixture of salted spicey goodness.

Basically, they're heaven.

Ask anyone - they'll tell you that they're addictive. And amazing. And WHOA.

So, it kind of goes without saying that the perogie lady is one of my favourite people to visit when I want a market snack.

We chat, she throws in a few extras and I'm all - LET'S HAVE BABIES (In my HEAD, people.) and I go on my merry way.

And then last summer - she asked for my phone number.

And I in my head I was all - SHIT. Did I mention having babies outloud? Because that would be awkward. Since I like boys. And you know, you're married.

But luckily, she caught me before I tried to explain that I couldn't ACTUALLY have babies with her - and was like..the guy who works for me? You know him?

And I just sort of nodded while not really listening- staring longingly at my bag of perogies she was holding. And she was like..he thinks you're cute. He wants your number.

And I snapped back to reality and immediately became suspicious, because wait - what? Me? Cute? That's not normal. But..there was a line growing, and I had to get back.

I quickly jotted down my number thinking..DUDE...I might get FREE PEROGIES. This could be the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER. Then I FINALLY took my DELICIOUS perogies and ran back to work, trying pretend that I knew who she was talking about.

Later that night I got a text message - from this guy...and immediately I was DISTRAUGHT.

He couldn't spell. He didn't know the difference between it's and its - or your and you're - There was no way I could date him. It would absolutely, positively NOT WORK OUT. So I just sort of, half-assedly answered the texts. Hoping he'd get the point that I wasn't REALLY interested, without me having to be rude or come out and say "Hey buddy, your lack of knowledge about the English language has deemed you unattractive. Sorry, better luck next time."

I'm a dating snob, WHATEVER. But these things are IMPORTANT TO ME.

I don't care if you mess it up every now and then..my brain gets tired and does it, often, I'm sure. Grammar? Yeah, I'm horrible at - but those are kind of important things to at least TRY to do in Erin World (trademark pending)

And then he came to the market, found me, introduced himself and I was like...OH GAWD. This is even WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. A) He was about 27 years older than me (I might be slightly exaggerating) and B) HE HAD ONLY HALF OF HIS TEETH (I AM NOT AT ALL EXAGGERATING.)

How did I let this guy down gently though? He had a direct line TO THE PEROGIES.

It was basically like, the the worst thing that had happened to me. In my entire life. Times A LOT.

Luckily, it was the end of market season, and I just thought I could dodge him and then we could start fresh in the new year.

When he'd ask me a question, I'd respond with "Sorry, I'm really busy" and other things like that. Kind of a jerk thing to do, but how to do you ACCIDENTALLY GIVE SOMEONE YOUR NUMBER - and then go from THAT to Umm...NOT INTERESTED, SORRY YO. Especially when you're as non-confrontational as THIS KID, right here...It was mostly a lot of stupid.

And I felt like a giant guilty jerk about it.

Until a bunch of months later, when I ran into him. At the mall. Doing errands. By myself. Almost...I kind of had the (still quite fresh) Babe.

And he ran the other direction.

And I didn't even have a chance to say that it wasn't my kid.

Problem? Solved.

Well, except now the perogie lady keeps saying "And extras for the baby!" everytime I get perogies.

Wait. You're right. There is NO WAY that extra perogies could ever be deemed a problem.

Ha. What was I thinking. This is probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And it's not like I could correct her. There IS a baby. He's just not..mine. And I totally give him perogies.

Okay, well, I did ONCE.

And You May Call Me Vomit Face. Except Not Really.

2011-09-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

This morning, I posted about how The Babe loves me so much.

Turns out that at a year old? HE HAS A TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR.

For tonight? Tonight we made some last minute plans. I had to run an errand, and so I invited them to meet me after dinner and grab an icecream cone.

We ordered, and in the end - got The Babe the smallest little amount of banana icecream, he took one half little bite and then didn't want anymore, so his Dad said he'd eat it. Surprise surprise!

So we were sitting out on the patio, down by the river, enjoying our icecream when the little monster got a little squirmy.

So he's up and down and staring at the trees, the bench, and the cars and WEEEE! Life is SO MUCH FUN! And so I finish my icecream and we start playing. We're sticking our tongues out at each other, and singing LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAA and we're pretending to be dizzy (Don't ask - it's kind of our thing..ha.) and then I pick him up and we're bouncing a little and just doing the things that babies do.

And then as I lift him up over my head and bring him back down to kiss him?

He vomits.

The kid who NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS EVEN THINKS ABOUT SPITTING UP, LET ALONE VOMITING?

Vomits.

All. Over. My. FACE.

Let's just say I hightailed it back to my car as fast as I could to find the stash of clothes I keep in there in case I end up staying over somewhere, or I end up going somewhere directly after work, or you know - a small child VOMITS ALL OVER MY FACE.

Love - if can be shown in SO MANY WAYS.

Right?

Oh, tonight was an interesting night. And be interesting? I mean OMGZ NOT SO MUCH FUN.

FYI - Tomorrows post is entitled: Reasons you shouldn't change your clothes while leaning out of a vehicle, trying not to vomit from smelling yourself covered in someone elses vomit while your car is parked beside a police man.

Trust me, you don't want to miss it.

Wherein I am Loved. Because I'm awesome.

2011-09-09T08:11:00.002-04:00

Last week ended up being kind of a wonky week.

While I generally try to spend a lot of time with The Babe, it doesn't always work that way. Work, family, obligations - contracting the plague - they all don't lend well to hanging out with the little monster. But I generally get at least a FEW good hangouts with him.

Quality over quantity - right?

So last week, it ended up being that I was there every day for a few days in a row, right at bedtime. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday AND wednesday - I was either already there - or showed up at just the right time.

Now, when I get there - it becomes a little bit..chaotic. Because they have a million and a half animals, and all of those animals are like...OH HEY! IT'S YOU! YOU SHOULD PET US! AND WE SHOULD WELCOME YOU BY BARKING LIKE CRAZY! And I'm all SHHHHH! YOU HAVE NEIGHBOURS!

And then I take The Babe and we cuddle and spin and sing and make forts and play and have a grand old time - just doing what we do.

So last week there was a whole bunch of playing, and he got pretty use to me being there EVERY DAY - and so (as the story goes) on Thursday, right around bathtime - the dogs started barking at the door.

It could have been the mail, the paper - or perhaps it was just the wind - the dogs are a little bit crazy - but either way, he APPARENTLY started flailing about trying to see the door from where he was, and when he couldn't, he started going

EWIIIINNNNN

EWIIIINNNNN

And trying to look for me - and they were so sure that he must have seen me because WHY ELSE WOULD HE BE SAYING MY NAME that they went to the front door, and looked for me.

And when I wasn't there? He got all sad.

Which made ME sad. But also made me a little happy.

Because when a little kid loves you THAT much? You know it's real.

Plus, he totally said my name later when we were on the phone and he was talking to me and I felt all special.

Basically? I win.

Pee Ess - He also says "mama" "dada" "dogS" (there always has to be one. With an emphasis on the S. Today at the grocery store the cashier said to him "Ohhh, do you have a dog at home?" (Because they were buying dog treats) and he responded with "DogSSSS" and she was like..I stand corrected, and laughed. He also says caaaT (They only have one cat) and "fffffiiiiiissssssssh" when he sees the fish in the aquarium. He is saying more things every day - on the weekend he started saying "CATCH" when he throws the ball. CUTENESS OVERLOAD? I think yes. Must get it on video, it's just too cute. I can't believe how fast he's growing up. And how big he's getting, how smart he is and how insane it is that a year ago, this little PERSON was a small little baby who was completely and totally dependent on us. Now he's all..I like to play with those toys. That IS hilarious, I will laugh for twenty minutes over dandelion fluff or Erin making silly faces with me. I feed MYSELF please and thank you. And yes, I would like more pickles - because PICKLES are AWESOME.

Yep - Kid is smart AND has good taste. Guess he can't help it, being related to me and all.

Those Were The Days..

2011-09-08T10:13:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time I lived this fantastic alter-ego lifestyle.

I had no bills. I was paid in cash. I used all of my money on travelling throughout Europe (which was CHEAP - since I was already IN Europe) and these sweet little treats called 'luxembourgli' - which were basically like little bites of sweet heaven. Which was how I justified shelling out the money they cost me, instead of spending that travelling. I went to heaven, each and every time I took a bite of one.

ANYWAY.

With my rose coloured glasses on, it was pretty fantabulous.

Hell - even WITHOUT my rose coloured glasses on, it was pretty freakin' sweet.

Yes, I worked long hours. Yes, I worked a lot. Yes, I only had four days off out of every month (Unless I had a week or two of holidays stuck in there) - but those four? Oh, they were AWESOME.

Travelling, eating good food, dancing, swimming in the middle of zurich in the middle of the night - oh, we had adventures.

I met a ton of awesome people abroad - and we become really good, albeit fast friends. We needed each other to survive through the weeks when we were unsure of what some German word said in the homework we were attempting to help the kids with. We needed each other to vent to as we cleaned up after a messy dinner and had plopped the kids down in front of a movie while we scrapped carrot off the walls, while parents were out at some concert, art show or event being their busy socialite selves, making friends with celebrities. We needed each other to make sure that our discipline wasn't too strict, not strict enough - or just to bounce ideas off of each other about how to get the kids to shower without it turning into the kid screaming that they "fucking hate you" because you're making them shower (This is all true. I couldn't make this shit up.)

But mostly? We needed each other..because come Friday night? We were DONE.

We put up with A LOT over the course of a year. We were the nannies. Cooks. Housekeepers. Chauffeurs. Personal assistants. We looked after their kids when they were sipping cocktails in the south pacific. We took them to the doctor, the dentist and to buy school supplies. We listened at parent teacher conferences as we heard that they were bullied, were the bully, were angels. We bought the groceries, doled out treats and listened to them as they tried to figure out their tiny little lives. We played games, watched movies, and taught them to be kinder, nicer people to each other. We picked up runaways at clubs at three am when we'd been worried sick, and bought them their first bras. We laughed over the tricks they tried to pull, and had timeouts when they'd gone too far. And on and on. I mean, I designed their freakin' CHRISTMAS CARDS. And then WROTE THEM. And MAILED THEM. It's one thing to do and be this for your own family - and it's a HELLUVA lotta work then. But for someone elses? I was not paid NEARLY ENOUGH to do everything that I did that year.

So - by the time the week ended? We were exhausted. So whether it was a glass of wine over the phone, at our favourite cheap wine dive in the heart of the altstadt (where FYI - You could buy cheap wine as the bar was closing - TO GO - As in - TO GET YOU THROUGH THE WALK UNTIL YOU FOUND THE NEXT OPEN BAR. The Swiss know their SHIT. #thatisall) or at one of our houses - we needed it. We DESERVED it.

Yes, I worked A LOT, did a lot and was more of a parent than their parents - but I sucked it up, and we did what needed to be done.

Because in the end? I love those kids.

Because I wanted to travel.

And I was a sucker.

..AND...it came with some perks.

Like on some weekends?

We would have beautiful Swiss mansions. To ourselves.

...Where we were perfectly innocent girls.

Ha.

..Or you know.

Where we threw parties. BECAUSE WE NEEDED TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.

Really - it was THEIR fault for making us work so much.

Yep.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So with THAT logic, we can always assume that the ONE (erm. One of the MANY) time(s) that I threw parti(es) while my boss was out of town, that my friend spilling red wine all over her cream furniture was totally NOT my fault. It was my bosses fault. Because I had worked too much.

And not at all because we were drunk and trying to examine the bottom of our glasses - which ended with at least one full glass, ACTUALLY upside down.

And then we definitely didn't have to call Canada at 2am CANADIAN TIME - to try and figure out how the hell to get red wine stains out of white things.*

And then proceed to get salt and icecubes everywhere.

Which made even more of a mess than the red wine.

Except that when we woke up - there were just salty puddles everywhere. AND NO RED WINE STAINS.

Basically - magic.

Ahh...those were the days.

Crazy parties, red wine stains and accidentally smuggling liquids into airplane carry-ons.

Wait. That last part was TOTALLY part of a different story.

Oops.

* Ice + salt + scrubbing + multiple washes on COLD gets red wine out of cream chair covers. For serious. The maid didn't even notice. Ever. Or at least she never said anything to me. But that could have been because she only spoke Portuguese. And my Portuguese? Not so hot. Either way? It was a miracle of epic proportions. E-PIC.

I've Had Just Enough Time..

2011-09-07T20:11:00.000-04:00

It's cooled down drastically in the last few days, from a sweltering temperature, to something which can barely be considered 'appropriate' for September - but I like it.

Fall has always been one of my favourite seasons.

It means that the weather cools down to bearable, likable, livable temperatures.

It means that you get to wear sweaters, knits and scarfs. Layers and hoodies and jeans.

The food - oh the food. There is such an abundance of food that is amazing this time of year. The harvest from the fields is truly incredible - and I'm so lucky to have so much of it right at my fingertips.

The season of birthdays is upon us - there are so many friend and family birthdays are in the fall. September and October are positively littered with them.

Thanksgiving gives me a moment to pause and be grateful for everything I have, to spend time with family, and then...to celebrate BIRTHDAY PALOOZA - because Canadian Thanksgiving (The AWESOME ONE) happens in October. Over the course of the weekend - four birthdays happen of people who I love dearly.

Then there is the apple cider, pumpkins, soups and stews and comfort foods - and desserts. So many desserts happen in the fall. And then another glass of cider. Just for good measure.

Fall means new beginnings. School starts. People head back to work. It's always been much more of a 'new year' in the fall for me than January ever has been.

The air gets this crispness about it - where everything just seems...right.

Now though? Fall doesn't mean sharpened pencils and new clothes and new beginnings in quite the same way anymore though. Not the same way it use to.

Now it means winding down the season.

It means getting things ready for winter.

(Which is a completely different, terrifying topic on its own)

It means the start of an entirely different lifestyle.

One which is at a lot slower of a pace. One where I get to spend more time enjoying my day. One with less stress, and more time spent with the people I love.

I really want a fresh start with this fall, though.

I want an overhaul.

I want the new beginnings that fall use to bring.

I want to take control of my life. I want to cultivate happiness.

I want to be more of the person I use to be.

(Except without the parts I don't like.)

I want to be a better person, make better choices and figure shit out.

I want to laugh more, smile more and cry less.

And it drives me a little bit insane, that instead of doing that - I'm sitting here.

Writing this.

Yes, fall is a time for reflection.

A time for new beginnings.

And yet?

I'm a little scared of all that is to come.

I'm scared of all of the changes I want to make.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm nervous.

I'm unsure of where to begin.

And fear that I'll unconsciously sabotage my efforts, before I even begin.

Fall is messing with my head, and it hasn't even really begun.

Or maybe that's just life.

She seems to be a sneaky bastard like that.

The drama queens accidental sneezing diet. And other fun stories brought to you by cold medicine.

2011-09-06T23:18:00.000-04:00

The last little while I've been really..beating myself up. And while I'm going to go ahead and say that it's completely justified..a lot of people will scoff and dismiss this. But it's what girls do. Or at least it's what *I* do. It's just..life. Which is sad, but also the unfortunate reality of a lot of people. I've really been trying to talk myself into getting off my butt and making some major lifestyle overhaul changes. That just NEED to be made.

ANYWAY - So in other news - I've been inflicted by a plague of sorts for the last few days.

Which has made me feel even more gross and worse about myself than I normally do. I know, as if THAT'S possible.

Dramatic? Who...Me? Couldn't be.

Either way...I haven't been feeling so hot. I've got the sniffles (Three boxes of kleenex? GONE.) a sore throat, ear aches, headache, nausea...and on and on and on. General sick ewwy blah.

The first few days, I wasn't really been eating. Because my throat was so sore. And everytime I did eat, my stomach was all "FOOD?! FOOD IS THE ENEMY! BE RID OF YOU FOOD!" - and I ended up puking my guts out. (Lovely eh? Aren't you glad you're reading this right now? LUCKY YOU.) So I was all..food..I hate you.

After a couple of days of not really eating anything, just drinking warm drinks and water - I still felt gross - but HAD to eat something. Today has been the first day since Saturday that I felt like eating food - let alone could keep food in my system. But food? Still not so much my friend.

See - my mom made me soup.. (Because my mom is LE AWESOME.) and I wanted to eat it ALL up..but when I started eating..I was like..WHOA....I TASTE NOTHING BUT SPICY. WHAT DID YOU PUT IN HERE?! A BOWL OF GIANT HOT PEPPERS?! And she was like..umm..No? Some garlic? Some spices? A little bit of salt and pepper? And I was all...ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T PUT A CUP FULL OF HOT CHILES BECAUSE OMG I LIKE SPICY THINGS BUT WOWZA. And she was all YOU'RE WELCOME. FEEL BETTER.

And then I ate something else. That was most definitely NOT spicy..and all I tasted was..burning.

And then I started testing out other things in the kitchen.

AND THEY WERE ALL SPICY.

Peanuts? Spicy.

Cheese? Spicy.

STRAWBERRIES? SPICY.

W.T.F.

Which has led to me chugging a whole lotta water today. And still, not really eating much.

Basically - turns out when I put it out in the universe that I need to overhaul my life, eat better and drink more water? The universe sticks me with a plague where I don't eat - and then everything I do try to eat, ends in me having to drink seventeen times as much water as I just had food.

Which I'm hoping will pay off as the next up and coming fad diet, before I feel completely better.

Alas, I'm not too hopeful and I'm thinking that I'm really gonna to have come down with some sort of illness that makes me exercise excessively.

Let me know if any of you are contagious with THAT - because that? That I could stand to catch.

As long as it doesn't come with the sniffles.

Because I'm so close to being out of kleenex, it's not even funny.

What's my age again? Fart jokes? Oh right, you're 12.

2011-09-02T21:23:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to figure out what to write here - but here's the jist:

An aunt suddenly moved 3000+km away. The grass is always greener type of situation. Drama and BS ensues. One of her kids throws a fit in the middle of the airport and refused to get on the plane. She ended up flying anyway, and might be moving back, but might be moving there - but WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. (And this is the sane NORMAL side of my family. Understand where I'm coming from yet?)

Long story short - there is now a 12 year old living here until...well...no one knows.

He's been here a few days..

..And this is what I've learned from and about the almost teen boy. At least THIS almost teen boy.

*They don't stop eating. Seriously. He weighs like, a normal to small amount for a 12 year old boy. Especially one who IS SUDDENLY MY HEIGHT (Sidenote: WTF.) and never stops. I want to steal his metabolism. While he sleeps. In the least creepy way possible.

*They don't sleep. The other night I was all...OMGZ..I am LE TIRED. I want to just go lie in my bed and hangout on twitter because that's what the COOL PEOPLE do. And he was all...WANNA WATCH A MOVIE!? WANNA PLAY A GAME?! WHATCHA WANNA DO? I'M GOING TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO! OKAY?! And I was like..dude..I'm so not that cool. Just because you think that 25 sounds old enough to be cool - I've long surpassed any ability to be cool. I'm old and lame AND I LIKE IT THAT WAY.

*The more they can talk about farting and pooping, the better. It has come up in EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION that we've had. Even if it's just him randomly going POOP! - it happens. And I'm all...what? Huh? Oh. Right. Twelve year old boy.

*They fart. Non stop. BECAUSE IT'S SO FUNNY.

*There are certain words that are 'cool' - or so it seems. He called one of his friends tonight and was like 'OMG - Did you hear about ______ - it's SOOOOO ninja. And I was all..huh? That doesn't really make any sense. I can't remember what they were talking about now - but it was basically like...Oh hey, this APPLE that's sitting here - it's NINJA. And then he used it later. To basically say that something was 'cool' - and I was all..huh? When did a noun become an adjective? Is that even possible? I'm lost. WOE IS ME...WILL I NEVER BE COOL AGAIN?!*

*They're super bad at listening. Like for instance if they're all "Hey, can I eat this hot pepper?" and you're all "Dude. Don't. That's like, the hottest pepper that we grow, times a bazillion. It will BURN YOUR FACE OFF" - what THEY hear is "EAAAAAAAAT IT!!!!" - And then it's really hard not to laugh a little when there are tears streaming down their face and they run outside so you don't see how much pain they're in. And then they come back inside, asking if they can have water - and you're all...drink milk...water is bad for hot stuff..makes it worse. And they're all...Pssh..I'm just thirsty. It wasn't really hot. WHILE THEIR EYES ARE BLOODSHOT AND WATERING AFTER A VERY SMALL BITE. And then they drink water and you're all - better yet? And they're all...maybe I should have some milk. So that you can be all I TOLD YOU SO.

*Work ethic? Does that mean playing on my phone while I said I would help do something? Because apparently that's what it means to 12 year old boys. When I was 12 I worked 40+ hours a week in the summer. I didn't have a cell phone until I was over 21. Oh how the times have changed. Damn, I'm old.

*You will suddenly revel in the joys of technology (Yeah. The ones you were JUST CURSING) when you want said 12 year old to JUST SIT STILL for TWO MINUTES and you're all..here..play with MY iPhone and he's all iPhone?! AWESOME. And then magically finds apps you didn't even know you on your phone...and plays racecar games so you can get the things done you need to do.

Plus, they totally still think you're cool. Because you have a cell phone. And can drive. And know the words to 'cool' songs on the radio.

Ah to be 12 again. Those were the days.

Okay. On second thought...Maybe I'm okay with being double his age afterall. And lame. Such is life.

Because the ridiculous insecurities? And homework? And pimples? And having to talk to the opposite sex while your palms sweat? 12? Yeah, pass.

Four on the other hand? I'm pretty sure I could handle being four again.

*FYI - I'm totally down with never being cool again. Not that I ever was to begin with.

Crazy Cat Lady, Table For One.

2011-08-30T07:49:00.000-04:00

Being single is an interesting sort of predicament to find oneself in.

Especially in this town.

At this age.

I know, I know...I'm YOUNG..WHATEVER.

But virtually everyone I know my age is in a serious relationship, engaged, married, has kids - or a combination of the aforementioned.

Taking that into account, adding in the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere, multiplying by the large percentage of backwood hicks who live around here and then dividing by actual probability of mutual like?

That leaves me with oh...Umm..Maybe ZERO options. Probably. I don't know. Math is stupid. And probably still drunk.

(What? I'm not bitter at all.)

So this of course led me and my cousin in the early stages of taking care of a newborn to one day ask her husband to find me a nice boy.

We were really tired. I think The Babe was about 8 weeks old. We'd been on our own for basically the entire duration of his little life and knew we would be for at least another few months. Neither of us slept very much, let alone slept well. Most days, we would claim success upon showering. Or eating a proper meal. (It was a crash course in parenting, let me tell you THAT.)

On this particular day we had been up half of the night with the regular feedings, changings, exploding diapers, etc. With a now sleeping baby in the crib beside us, we crashed on her bed and she called her husband at work to tell him that his new mission was to find me a nice guy to marry.

I don't know why we thought this would be a good idea.

Actually, I do.

We thought...HEY..he knows LOTS of guys. He works/goes to school with a bunch of them. He's in one of the hardest, most respected vet schools in Canada. There has got to be someone awesome Erin can date there! We were clearly THAT sleep deprived that we were LOSING OUR MINDS.

So after a few minutes of pondering, saying..nope..that guy is dating someone! La la la...whatever...He was like...OH! I KNOW! YOU SHOULD DATE THIS GUY!

He told us a little about him and then was like...the only thing is..I think he's a LITTLE bit older than you.

So we were all - wait. What? HOW OLD? Because three years older? Not a big deal. Ten years older? Doesn't even seem so much anymore. More than that? Might be weird. Since you know, I'm 25.

He promised that he wasn't that old - MAX late 30's he explained.

So we continued to laugh and joke - and after he'd let us go on the phone to do work - we decided to google him.

Because that's what people do.

Turns out....max tenish years older than you in his world?

MEANS HE GRADUATED UNIVERSITY THE YEAR YOU WERE BORN.

So he's either a GENIUS and graduated university at the age of ten. Or he's actually closer to 50 than he is to 25. Which would be apparent to anyone who had met him and/or seen a picture of him. Because 50 looks a little different than 30. Just so you know.

What we forgot in our sleep deprived dirty state was who he is. And his ability to make rational judgements. He's one of the smartest, nicest, most kind and generous people I've ever met..but sometimes...when that guy has to do certain things...he fails. Completely and utterly. In the funny, creepy, you want to set me up with someone who is old enough to be my father?! kind of way.

On the upside.... I now know who I'm never letting me set up with anyone...ever.

Being the crazy cat lady sounds so good right about now.

Where I'm From..

2011-08-26T18:50:00.003-04:00

This has been floating around the internet. I liked it. I joined in.

So I'm a sheep.

What. Ever.

At least I'm a COOL sheep.

...Or so I like to keep telling myself.

I am from flowing nightgowns, goodnight kisses, storybooks and familiar songs.
I am from homemade preserves and fresh rhubarb pie.
I am from farmers markets on crisp early mornings and sleeping under the stars on warm summer nights.
I am from an old farm house down an older dirt road. The one with all of the apple trees out front.
I am from tan lines after long summers splashing at the cottage, and biking down country roads.
I am from goats and llamas and sheep as childhood pets.
I am from jumping on the couch as records played and we sang along to songs no one has heard of.
I am from watching jeopardy and wheel of fortune before bed.
I am from parents who married young, and travelled the world having adventures. From parents who had their time to live their own lives, and have given everything they ever could, to their children.
I am from the lilacs that bloom each spring, and the never ending fields of crops that feed families near and far.
I am from hard work and determination.
I am from scrabble games. And more scrabble games. And then probably a few more scrabble games.
I am from Sunday night dinners and lazy afternoon drives with stops for icecream.
I am from my fathers patience and my mothers laughter.
I am from kindness and love. From tempers that are quick to fade, and hugs that go on forever.
I am from people who preach love, and doing what you love.
I am from people who allow you to be whatever it is you want to be. From a place where tolerance and acceptance and love are taught above all. A place where you're allowed to explore your feelings, your ideas and your beliefs and make your own decisions about the direction you want your life to take.
I am from the places I’ve travelled, and all of the places I’ve yet to go.
I'm from Ireland, Scotland, England and Wales. An ancestry which is a true meld of all things British. With a little bit of this and that thrown in for good measure.
I am from BBQ’s in the summer and warm your tummy in the winter meals.
From wine and beer on the porch while the sun sets.
I am from friends that answer their phone at three am. I am from people who love me unconditionally.
I am from family dinners that involve laughing so hard you cry, while trying to dry everyone off and pick up the pieces. Literally.
I am from the pages of photo albums that tell more stories then I could ever begin to share.
Though sometimes I may get frustrated, and though I may not always show it - I? I am from awesome.

You Think You're Doing Fine, But You're Just Plugged Into The Wall..

2011-08-25T21:03:00.002-04:00

This has been a post that has been sitting, half written - ideas sprawled about, here there and anywhere - scattered about in my drafts folder...for weeks.

I've been horrendous at putting together cohesive thoughts.

I've been worse at posting them.

And yet today?

Today I had a moment where freaked out.

Where my heart was racing so fast I couldn't handle it.

Where I wanted to delete it all.

Facebook. Twitter. Blog.

You name it.

Gone. Erased. Finito.

No explanation, no reason, no trail.

Just gone.

To erase my existence from the internet and just forget it ever happened. To try and forget about all of the lovely people I've made relationships with.

To forget about their joys, their sorrows and everything in between.

To spend more time 'unplugged' - and not worry so much about certain things.

But the thing is....I can't.

As much as I may want to for one reason or another. I can't.

I'm invested.

I'm in too deep.

I care too much.

The biggest reason I've been trying to write this post is because I'm scared. I'm scared shitless. For reasons I don't even know, and thus can't explain.

So without further ado..some thoughts that have been sitting in my drafts folder for weeks:

I blog in partial anonymity.

I give you details of my life. I share things. I post photos.

But I keep certain things separate.

I don't mention certain things.

Because I want to keep that space. That distance. I want to keep my two lives separate.

I've known all along that it's not really possible.

I've known all along that with very little probing, anyone could find me. That people from my real life could find my blog life, and that people from my blog life could find my real life.

That's the beauty, and the curse, of the internet.

I've never written anything on here that I would be particularly upset if someone in real life found.

But I still like my distance.

I've never blogged because I want free stuff. Or fame. Or fortune. I've never blogged for any reason other than I enjoy it. And I enjoy cultivating relationships from it.

But I also like knowing that I have my two worlds.

I like knowing that they don't collide.

I like that I can come on here and have a bad day, and that you don't have to read. You can click that x in the corner and say 'Who the HELL cares about that whiny idiot. Not me.' - and you can leave. No harm, no foul.

Friends though? Family? They don't tend to click that x. They worry. And that causes me guilt. And then I censor myself. And then I stop blogging for real, because I'm hiding parts of myself in order to make them feel more comfortable, and that's not why I'm here.

So this anonymity?

It's not a game with me.

It's real. It's for a reason.

It's because I want my own space - and as much as I would love to trust you all, and I do, I have my reservations, I have my issues, and I have my fears.

I fear that if you or you or you could figure me out - then maybe THAT guy lurking back there, or the person that shows up in my stats that's not actually THAT far away from me - I fear that they might show up unexpectedly one day. That they might catch me off guard and be all...oh HEY.

Which could be awesome.

Or could creep me the hell out and make me want to go back to thinking that deleting whatever I can of this existence off the internet might be a good idea.

Because I am a public figure here.

People know me.

People know my family.

I have a reputation to uphold.

I have a large base of customers.

I have entire populations that know me as a perpetually happy, bubbly, outgoing, friendly, down to earth farm girl.

That don't realise that I have feelings and emotions - and that sometimes - I don't care what damn basket of tomatoes they want to buy. I just want to sit and pack tomatoes without anyone asking me another annoying question.

And that's okay. Because we all have days like that. And there are more days than not that I DO care about what basket of tomatoes you buy. I want them to fit you and your family just right. I want them to be as perfect as your new pair of jeans. I want them to taste right for you, be right for what you want and do what you want them to do. I genuinely do care.

Except that sometimes I just need an escape.

And this is my escape.

I don't want it to be public.

Which means that as much as I love you - I don't really want you to know where I am.

Because it scares me that you have access to that other side of my life.

And it scares me that addresses and phone numbers and personal information is floating about there - as it is with ANY business - and that there are people who would and could use that in a bad way. Not that many people are that vulnerable on the internet in such a public way.

I guess what I'm saying is that on top of a lot of things - I have trust issues.

So, if by chance you've found me.

If by chance you're looking for me, and you stumble across me?

If by chance you know where I am..who I am..and other things about me? Outside of this pathetic excuse for a blog?

Please - just keep it to yourself.*

I'm trying my very best to trust you.

To trust that you'll keep it a secret.

That you'll just smile and nod.

That you'll know that you've won the game - but that you can stop now.

Because I really want to continue my life here.

I really, really do.

But I've had my blogging world and my real life world collide before. And that left me feeling vulnerable. And unsafe. And unhappy. I've deserted blogs. I've run away and hid - because I don't feel comfortable anymore. And that has been my knee jerk reaction. I want to run and hide. I want to just try and forget the last 9 months have happened.

I'm still more afraid then words could ever begin to describe..for reasons I'm not even sure of..

..That my two worlds will collide, and I'll be left empty handed.

And running for cover.

*And please - let me know if you're coming. I'll put an extra bottle of wine in the fridge. And possibly do some laundry. Maybe.

They Don't Make Love Like That Anymore - Is That Too Much To Be Asking For?

2011-08-20T05:07:00.000-04:00

I've been saying for months (literally) that I will post pictures of my little brothers wedding.

But I haven't. Because sorting through pictures is hard. Especially when you're working a stupid large amount.

So - I'm finally doing it. Even though I uploaded most of these either way too late at night, or way too early in the morning, and clicked the wrong photo.

Even though I was trying not to overwhelm you with too many photos...I still did..but least now they're in a nice little four-packs?

And last - I got angry because Picnik kept cropping the photos weird and cutting out things/people/etc. and ruining some of the pictures. But then I got too tired to care. Especially when on the last one I was doing - I realised that OH HEY, YOU CAN TOTALLY CHANGE THAT. Way too late.

#ErinFail

Doh.

So some of them are cropped oddly, and some of them just aren't great pictures....and I'm not at all happy with the composition of the photos that are together here. But I wanted to share. And I'm trying to let go of this ridiculous idea that everything has to be perfect and amazing. I'm not, and I need to accept that. At least more than I do right now.

So, I'm sharing them. Even if they're not as good as they could have been - I hope tell a little bit of a story. A story of a boy and a girl, who were highschool sweethearts, who have grown up together, who share everything, who like the simpler things in life - and aren't afraid to live with their hearts.

Anyway. Without further ado...some photos.

The dress, the shoes, the rings - all the pieces are there!

My LITTLE brother and his bride on their farm.

Piggy backs, tractors, best friends since they were in diapers, true love.
That's what life should be all about.

What started out innocently as a photo, turned into so much laughter.

Dancing. And a little fire. Playing with your camera while tipsy.What more do you want?

Things are getting messy.
Oh hey Jager. You brought your friend Tequila even though you didn't check 'Plus One'?
Interesting.
Apparently you make me happy. So happy everyone else is doing their shot and I forgot.
Were you also the one that stole my makeup? Or was that the dancing?
OH. It was when I fell down and ROLLED down the length of the driveway at incredible speeds?
Right.

...And now for some BLOOOOOPERS! Things that happened when I was trying to check the light. Or people didn't know I was taking their photo. Or they were just being ridiculous.

Getting tired of photos. A double dare (And proof that she's FREAKISHLY STRONG.)
I don't know who is more unhappy. And some...minor adjustments. All around.

So. That's it. Not perfect. Not wonderful - not even edited at ALL because that's how I roll in the summer. But they are what they are. Even if picnik cropped some horribly and I wanted to punch it in the face. Just know that some of the photos are actually composed better than they appear. Not all. But some ;) And that it terrified me to take these pictures.

Luckily, they seemed happy with them.

Partly because they just love pictures. Partly because they were free ;)

Paranoia Strikes Deep...Into Your Heart It Will Creep...

2011-08-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

Please excuse your regular (poor excuse for a blog) postings for something real.

And mostly lame. Or ridiculous.

I haven't been blogging much lately. Between work and life, I just am burnt out. It's not even that I don't have the time right now - things have slowed down - but I just don't have the energy most days.

I have so many things to write about - and no desire to write. I sit here and stare at the blank computer screen, willing the words to come out..and my fingers just look up at me like I'm a whole lotta crazy.

Despite saying that I will live - I find myself alternating between two extremes - I'm either WEEE! And making plans, going out, doing things and seeing people 24/7....Or...I'm lying in bed. With a glass of wine and my thoughts to keep my company. Trying to stop myself from wallowing, rather unsuccessfully.

Neither extreme makes me very happy...yet I find myself alternating between one or the other.

Which is why I've been mostly lurking on the internet. Avoiding emails and phone calls. Making spontaneous plans, because if I make plans ahead of time - I always find a reason to weasel out of it - and then I end up sitting in my bedroom, drinking alone. Which (I'm gonna say) sounds a lot worse than it really is.

I'm trying to find a happy medium. Balance. And equilibrium.

Something that I've struggled with my entire life.

I've lived my life thus far in varying forms of extremes. I'm either all in and totally GET 'ER DONE - Or I play the game of avoidance and denial. The times I've been happiest, is when I've managed to find balance. But of course, as soon as I have some sort of balance...something always seems to come along and throw it off kilter.

But it's something that I've longed for. For basically forever.

But instead of finding that balance - or even ACTUALLY getting excited about my life and living it...I wind up getting caught up in something. I read the news, a sad blog or think about someones heartache, and I get wrapped up in it.

Anxiety and paranoia run through my veins like blood. I worry. I fear. I wonder.

I get so intertwined with the negatives that I forget to get out of the bed. And then when I do remember - I wonder what the point of getting out of bed is...if the world is such crap anyway. I wonder what the point of procreation is. What the point of establishing relationships is. What the point of LIVING is.

If there is so much hatred. Pain. Suffering.

If there are so many people who don't get a fighting chance. And so many more (myself included) that brush theirs off.

I'm left sitting here wondering..what the HELL is the point.

And then I end up feeling guilty for having feelings. And for being such a negative downer. And stupid.

And then I want to punch myself in the face.

Which is why sometimes, I just need to hide. And not blog. Because it's just..too much. Sometimes - avoidance and denial are easier than trying to fake being happy. Or typing through tears. Or setting your wine glass down to not chicken peck.

So - long story short... I'm still trying this whole 'Take care of yourself' thang' - Which seems more like a roller coaster than anything. I'm actually taking *some* time off. And am going to start doing things for me. And I hope, soon - to do more. I'm trying so damn hard to pick myself up. To put myself out there. To be the person I want to be, that I know I am somewhere inside. Nights like tonight - I have glimpses where I feel like myself. Where I do things for me, instead of..just because. Where I can laugh and joke and life is okay. I forget about the bad things, and just..am. There are so many more things I want to do for me though. Things like playing in the pool. And going for walks (Which half terrify me. Because that means I have to be alone. WITH MY BRAIN.) Or chatting with family. And eating peaches. And remembering to take deep breathes. And get enough sleep. Which is exactly what I should be doing. Right now.

If you read my incoherent babblings, I love you.

If you didn't - I don't blame you.

And I probably still love you too, anyway. And promise to try and get back to my (slightly more amusing and ridiculous) self sometime soon.

The Tales of Mr. Grumpypants

2011-08-07T21:02:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, a long time ago..there was a man who would come into our store and who was the grumpiest man you could ever imagine.

He wouldn't smile. He wouldn't laugh. He'd barely talk to anyone, let alone acknowledge them, even when they were trying to help them.

So, of course, we named him Mr. Grumpypants. Mr. Grumpypants isn't from around here though, so only would come into the store on the weekends, when he was on holiday or when he was up in the area. He'd buy a thing or two, grumble his way about the store, pay for his purchases and promptly leave.

To be honest - I was scared SHITLESS of Mr. Grumpypants. He was the kind of man who you just thought might snap and yell at you for the smallest, silliest reason - and I always walked around on tiptoes around him, scared I might be the one he yelled at. For at least one summer, my main co-worker and I would yell "NOT IT" when his car pulled into the driveway - because as much as he was never MEAN to us, he was never friendly, and we always feared something we might say might throw him over the edge and he'd go all hardcore grumpy on us.

Over the years though, Mr. Grumpypants has softened a little.

He still doesn't smile, he still doesn't laugh - but he'll gruffly ask which varieties of corn I have that day, and which one is the best. He asks my opinion about things, and will say "Where've you been kid? Place isn't the same without you. How the hell am I going to know which corn to buy if you're not here?" Then he'll ask if I've made any new strawberry jam this week, because he wants the freshest ones. Sometimes - he'll even tell me he liked something he got from the last time he was in...and without fail..every Monday morning - He always gets a bunch of stuff - but at the very minimum he'll get three dozen corn, three baskets of tomatoes and a strawberry jam. Every. Single. Week.

Today though - he was disappointed. We'd sold out of tomatoes and yellow corn - BOTH of the things he was after - and wouldn't be getting any more of the yellow corn picked until the next morning, and the tomatoes - possibly not until after he'd already left for the week. He looked around, sighed and acted like he didn't know what to do - so I called and arranged to have the yellow corn picked first so it'd be ready at 8am, and told him I'd pick him the tomatoes myself - after I was done work. And he just stared at me for a while, like I was crazy.

The thing is though - I'm not scared of Mr. Grumpypants anymore. He totally has a soft spot in my heart, and over the years - we've become buds. Well. As buddy buddy as you can with someone who you've nicknamed 'Mr. Grumpypants'. Turns out I've learned the truth about him though, because in reality? He's not such a grump, and he's actually kind of a nice guy. For years, every Monday he has come in first thing in the morning and bought a TON of stuff. I thought it was just because he was heading back to the city and wanted fresh stuff - but turns out he buys all of this stuff for his neighbours and kids and etc. etc. in the city - so that they can have good fresh stuff too. I totally caught him buying lollipops the other week, and he looked down as if embarrassed and said "Someones gotta spoil those damn grandkids.." - He even got fresh strawberries for his neighbour that just had surgery. And when he buys strawberries - Well, I've come to learn that THAT is a special occasion. And today? When I said I'd save him yellow corn in the morning, and pick him some tomatoes to take home so they'd be picked before he left because I didn't think the guys would have them picked by the time he was heading back - he looked at me for a while, ALMOST half smiled and said "Well that's just about the nicest damn thing someones ever done for me" - Which made me feel a little sad, a little silly, and a whole lot like giving him a hug and changing his name to "Mr. Not-Quite-So-Grumpy-Pants".

Plus - I almost got a smile out of him. Which is just torture because now I'm all MUST! MAKE! HIM! SMILE! FOR! REAL!

Who knows - give it another ten years and he might turn into Mr. Not-Grumpy-Pants and smile bi-annually.

You never know.

It could happen.

...Maybe.

Little Babe In The Big City

2011-08-04T22:30:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, it worked out that my cousin-in-laws brother was visiting from South Africa, my cousin-in-law could take a couple of days off, and my cousin and I could both take a couple of days off. So we decided to roadtrip a little bit.

With The Babe.

And while I had fun - it was a whirlwind couple of days.

It was exhausting.

It was kind of crazy.

And I learned SO MUCH.

So much about WHAT you may ask?

So much about traveling with wee ones. You see, I've roadtripped with kids before. I've gone on much bigger 'holidays' than this with kids - but never with a child so young for so long - so I learned a lot. Especially since said child was in my car the entire time.

So - without further ado...some things I found out while roadtripping with a baby.

Your entire day will revolve around meal times and nap times. Unfortunately, you will not be participating in the naps. They are none-the-less SUPER important though. If nap times get interrupted, missed or happen late - there will be hell to pay. And you will be the one paying.

You'll have more stuff crammed into a car than anyone could possibly need. Because YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. You'll have the every spare space filled to capacity with random baby stuff. While you and the other adult share a bag. You'll say that you're only taking the 'essentials' into the hotel - and you realise that wait - THAT'S EVERYTHING. Then you'll wonder how such a little being can use SO MUCH STUFF ALL OF THE TIME. But he does. He'll have more stuff than you brought with you for an entire YEAR in Europe - yet he'll need it all. Over the course of two days.

You will find yourself at your wits end going 'WHERE IS THAT DAMN ELMO CD' in your head - Not because the child wants it - but because you cannot handle hearing Old MacDonald One. More. Time. And thus Elmo is a welcome reprieve. Anything would be a reprieve after a few rounds of 'Silly Car Songs For Kids!' (Their exclamation. Not mine.)

You'll find that you still know all of the words to all of the silly car songs from when you were a child. This doesn't make listening to them any better after the third time you've heard the cd and can now predict which song comes next and are already gearing up to sing along. Because you know all of the words.

You'll find yourself going out to lunch at a nice-esk place - and you want to sit and enjoy your meal - the baby will be CRAAAZY. He'll be all WAAAH! And cute and making everyone love him and you'll be all THIS IS GREAT! BABIES ARE SO EASY! Until you smell that smell that makes you go..oh no..and you fear what has happened in a diaper near you. And then you take said child to the bathroom to be extra hands for changing said diaper and you realise that not only is it a poo of epic proportions - but it's also a POO EXPLOSION of epic proportions. That's right. Poo leaking out the sides. Poo up the back. Poo all over clothes. Poo all over EVERYONE. I don't know why - but nice restaurants seem to have a higher chance of making little kids have poo explosions as soon as they walk in the door. ENJOY YOUR DINNER, FOLKS.

You'll get completely sunburnt. Because you spent the entire time outdoors trying to keep the wee one out of the sun and in the shade and re-arranging the angles of his stroller cover so that he's never in direct sunlight for more than .2934 seconds so that his pale little self doesn't get burnt. While you neglect to remember that OH HEY - You're not wearing any sunscreen. And are already WAY burnt. Whoops.

You'll find yourself wandering around some beautiful site late at night after a late dinner because The Babe in question has fallen asleep and - why not? WHY NOT? Because that's when he'll wake up from his peaceful slumber and ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE BECAUSE HE HAS NO IDEA WHERE THE HECK HE IS. Not that I blame him, but man. Just go back to the hotel. It'll be WAY easier than trying to find find your way back with a screaming baby on the side of the road when it's WAY past his bedtime.

You'll find yourself at war - because the sidewalks will decide to become your MORTAL ENEMY and be the thing to wake the aforementioned child up from his blissful slumber late at night when you just should have gone home. He somehow slept through fireworks, loud music, obnoxious car engines and people yelling right outside his stroller - but the cracks in the sidewalks once we're walking down a quiet street? THAT'S what wakes him up. So sidewalks? BRING IT. It's ON like Donkey Kong.

You'll find yourself taking pictures of things you never though you'd take pictures of. Like the worlds most adorable baby in love with hotel rooms. Who knew that pillows were SO! MUCH! FUN! And that eating in a restaurant and actually being allowed to taste things off of other peoples plates was the greatest thing to ever happen to one tiny little human being. WHO KNEW life could be so great? Pillows AND food. Babies know where it's at.

Who knew such a little guy could teach you so much?

Seems he's smarter than me already. Figures. Not like it's HARD or anything ;)

Logic = Awesome

2011-07-28T09:56:00.000-04:00

My brother has had a best friend since they were in diapers.

When we moved out to the farm, my parents somehow discovered that there was a family with three boys living on a farm not too far away - and so began their friendship.

They toddled around the farm(s) in their diapers, quickly going through the stages of boyhood - both freakishly similar - yet distinctly different.

Both quiet, shy and introverted - neither would speak at the others house - but still, they communicated with each other. Both mothers weren't sure that the other one spoke - and as they grew older - they only heard muffled whispers of boys being boys through bedroom doors - when one mother would ask a question at her house, her son would answer - and the other would not speak but her son would know what the other would want.

"No, he doesn't want orange juice. He only likes apple"

"He needs a bandaid because he has a sliver in his finger"

..And so it went on..they started school in the same class but had to be seperated because they would only speak to each other - and would take turns speaking for each other, much to the teachers frustrations.

Now though - it's 20 years later, and I'm happy to report that they do speak.

Well.

Kind of.

I'm considering trying to apply for some research money to study their dialect - because it's unlike anything else that I've ever heard before

It's a lot of mumbling.

And they barely open their mouths.

There are no words ACTUALLY formed when they talk to each other - but they understand each other.

One day L called my brother and I heard one side of the conversation that went like this:

"Hhh"

"kkkwwwmm"

"mmoofff"

"kkssttt"

And then he hung up the phone, and walked away.

While I sat there going "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT"

And my Dad looked at me and was like "He said hey, asked which movie they were to, said he'd meet him out front and said he'd see him then"

And I was like HUH? While crickets echoed in the background.

To this day - I cannot understand them when they're talking to each other. I can barely understand them when they're talking to ME. They grunt, mumble and slur their words together as if they're drunk when they're stone cold sober. They'll have entire conversations in front of people and people just look at them questioningly wondering where we hire our migrant workers from, because they're not speaking anything they've heard before.

Basically, they're probably adopted and speaking Russian. Or they're ALIENS.

Logical answer? Found.

Wherein I am Grateful

2011-07-27T23:12:00.000-04:00

In light of days where things in life just feel like nothing is okay, that everything is just...falling apart..I'm trying to focus on more positive things.

Like what I'm grateful for.

Because I'm grateful for a lot of things.

Like my family. They may drive me crazy sometimes..but they're mine. They love me unconditionally, push me when I need to be pushed and catch me when I fall. They're exactly what I need - even when I don't know what it is that I need.

Or my friends - I have these amazing girlfriends who would do anything for me. Yes, we're split up and all over the country - but when it comes down to it..they'd pretty much actually do anything I ever asked them to. And if I show up on their doorstep, they don't question it - even if it was a random multi-hour drive. They just usher me in. Grab us each a glass of wine and ask what's up. And then we chat until we can't stay awake anymore and food appears and suddenly life doesn't seem so bad.

And don't even get me started on my twitter friends. Holy CRAP, they're awesome. They're all people I feel like I've known forever. They get me, and I get them. We can have these super serious conversations where we discuss life and religion and all of this other stuff - and then start talking about goats, bacon, wedding china or our own narcissistic awesomeness..and it just makes my day SO MUCH BETTER.

The people in my life are so amazing. Seriously. I don't even know how to describe it...and I just really need to appreciate them more. Let them know how grateful I am for them..and cherish every moment. As corny as it may be.

So if you're reading this? If you've kept me sane in the last few weeks/months/whatever? If you care even the slightest amount and have never even spoken to me?

Thank you. You should know that by being here..regardless...you mean the world to me.

For real.

Like so much so - that I'll probably even share my pudding with you.

(That means I love you, a lot - in Erin)

The Debt Ceiling.

2011-07-27T14:11:00.000-04:00

So...not to try and make light of this...

But..

You know.

Sometimes you've just gotta rap about something to know how serious the issue really is.

PS - I'm actually terrified more than you'll ever know about this whole issue. But that another story for another day.

There Will Be An Answer...Let It Be..

2011-07-25T20:08:00.000-04:00

Dear friend,

It has been a few days now since you died, and I still don't believe it.

I think the biggest reason I don't believe it is because it had been a while since our last chat - so it just kind of feels like it can't be true. I just haven't spoken to you in a while - I can call you, message you or see you whenever I want. That's what my brain keeps telling myself.

It's hard for me to believe you're gone for so many reasons. Because you were always so full of life. I can remember only a couple of times when you weren't smiling or laughing and making everyone around you smile and laugh. Once when we had a silly fight over something ridiculous, and once when your dog was dying. Both times though - you always just snapped back into being this happy, full of life guy who LIVED with all of his heart and soul. You always told me that life was too short to waste - and the impact of that statement now renders me a babbling wreck.

I know your life wasn't always easy, and I know that you had your fair share of heartache, sorrow and pain - but you always just smiled through it. You knew how precious life was - so instead of being down, negative or sad - when you had EVERY right to want to do just that - you always took the high road. Your love for life was infectious. About as infectious as your laugh. Once you started - everyone around you would be laughing in no time. There were so many amazing things that you gave to the world, just by being you. Luckily your atrocious spelling was about the only thing about you not contagious. - but that's a completely different story.

I've spent more time in the last week walking down memory lane than I have in a long time. I pulled out yearbooks where you took up pages writing the most ridiculous things - just to make me smile. Photo albums filled with photos of you being silly and crazy. Photos with balloons up your shirt for boobs, or of you wearing flambouyant pink cowboy hat - just because you found it in someones attic. Photos from when we went to Washington, photos from birthday parties, and bars and house parties and cottages. I even found old notes we wrote each other during highschool (when I'm sure we were supposed to be doing something to do with school..) about the most insane things. Why I even still have them..I have NO idea - but I do, and I'm glad - because they're a part of you, and even though we'd gone down different paths (as people tend to do when they grow up...) I miss you.

A lot.

And I know that I'm going to miss you, forever.

Who is going to sign into msn and tell me that I couldn't be more gorgeous if I tried and to stop rolling my eyes because he could feel me doing it?

Who is going to tell me about a new wine he tried that I just HAVE to try because he knows I'll love it.

Who is going to reassure me that even when life seems like it'll never get any better...that it always works out?

Who is going to run into me at a bar and have a spontaneous dance party in celebration? Or accidentally kiss me on my parents deck - which I'm still not even sure how that happened. Who will tell me I smell like christmas and awesome when I wear a certain perfume? Who will laugh at my bad jokes, or turn a bright shade of red when I tell everyone how you and your neighbour were convinced that tampons you found were nerf darts. And then you had a tampon war with your neighbour until your moms clued you in. When you were 13.

I've laughed and smiled and cried so many times thinking about you and how much the world is missing out right now.

How many things you never got to do that I wish you could have done. I wish you'd gone to all of the places you talked about going. I wish you were able to meet your first niece or nephew that will be born in a few months. I wish you could have gotten married and had the family you so desperately wanted. I wish you'd done all of the things you wanted to do. I wish that life wasn't so damn unfair.

I'm so sad that I couldn't come to say goodbye this weekend. It broke my heart more than you'll ever know. But I also know that going would have broken my heart just as much - because that would be admitting that you're really gone. And typing that makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world forever - but you wouldn't want that. You would have wanted me to go to the wedding and dance. And laugh. And you probably would have been pissed that my neckline was high - but you would have told me I was beautiful anyway. So I went. And though you never fully left my thoughts - I made it through knowing that the last thing you would want is for anyone to be sad that you were gone. In fact, I know this - because you said in your will that no one was allowed to cry at your service. That you wanted only happy music. Lots of pictures, and for people to share stories of the good times - except for the REALLY embarrassing things.

I'm heartbroken that you're gone.

You were truly unique. One of the kind. A rare breed.

People always remember the good once someone is gone - but with you - there is really nothing but good to remember. The first thing my SIL said to me when she heard you had died - was that you were such an amazing guy, and no one could ever say anything bad about you. And as the days go on, and stories are told and retold around facebook - I know that it's true. You managed to be friends with everyone. People from all different walks of life - from all different social groups, are telling and retelling stories on facebook. They're all dragging out photos. We're all laughing, remembering and crying - together.

I'm trying to be strong. I really really am.

I'm trying to remember the good times. To not feel guilty about the times missed. To smile when I think about you.

But still - I don't really believe that you're gone.

I don't want to believe it.

I want you to come back to the people who love you. Who miss you. Who are yearning for one more smile. One more laugh. One more ridiculous comment that makes you shake your head and smile.

I've found myself lying awake thinking about you, crying, refusing to believe it - but knowing in my heart that it's true - you're gone, but wanting to do anything to make it not true. It makes me want to scream, to throw things, to hide from the world forever...But I'm trying to pull myself up. I'm trying so damn hard not to let myself wallow - because if there is anything you'd hate - it would be people not truly living the lives they're supposed to live because they're too busy being sad over something they can't control.

So instead of crying in my room and wallowing that you're gone - I'm choosing to live.

To make the best of the time I have.

However long or short it may be.

To smile, to laugh, to dance.

To reconnect with people I love. To say I love you more often. To appreciate the things and people that are in my life.

Though you are gone and my heart wants to break - I'm not going to let it.

Don't get me wrong - I'll always miss you. I'll always be sad that you're not here - but I will keep you in my heart and to my best to live with everything I have, as often as humanly possible. If I can't rewind the hands of time, go back, spend more time, have some more laughs or have one more dance with you - I'll do my best to live for you. To embody your spirit and nature. To live with everything I have, because that's what you always told me to do - and for once...I'm listening. Loud and clear.

Love always & forever.

Me.

The Things You Learn At Weddings..

2011-07-24T23:20:00.000-04:00

I've had a crazy weekend filled with oh so much wedding schtuff..

Every wedding that I'm in - I learn different things. I learn what I would do in my own wedding. I learn what I wouldn't do, I learn that people are CRAZY.

Here are a few things I've learned at THIS weekends wedding:

*You can't expect four sisters to get along all of the time. Or even most of the time. Especially when they're all super opinionated and picky about how they like things done. There will be fighting. And tears. Rinse, lather and repeat. Often.

*You can't make four sisters put aside their differences for one sisters wedding. Don't even bother trying.

*Be prepared to be stared at if the bride needs to go pee in a doughnut shop on the way to the church.

*Groomsmen can be sketchy. Really, really sketchy.

*You can pierce your own ears the morning of the wedding because the bride REALLY wants you to wear the earrings she bought you.

*You can't fix everything. End of story. Some drama is beyond help. Forget about it. Move on..and just be thankful that the crazy is over.

*Also learnt that my pain tolerance is higher than even I thought it was. Ear piercing? 250+ pound guy jumping on my foot? No worries. Totally got it under control. So childbirth? Bring. It. (But not really. Totally joking. OWWWW.)

*Mothers of the bride and groom need to have their alcohol intake SEVERELY limited if they don't like each other. For real.

*The bridesmaid who HAD to wear the biggest heels (that you warned her about wearing) will complain the entire time they're on her feet.

*Keep everyone hydrated. It's already a long, busy day - people passing out is not good.

*Be grateful for your family. They may be crazy - But a crazy you know is better than...well...a lot of other crazy out there.

*Sometimes it's okay to go out to a bar after a wedding is over. Shots help your nerves.

And finally..

*Shots do NOT help a hangover. Even if you convince yourself they will counteract everything you already drank to justify why you're doing shots. At a bar. After drinking way too much wine. After you JUST left a wedding...the hangover will still suck. For real.

Pee-Ess. Photos coming latah! And possibly even photos of the wedding BEFORE that too. I promise. Maybe.

A Dose Of Perspective.

2011-07-22T08:22:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I feel like my life is a roller coaster. It's filled with ups, downs, twists and turns.

I assume this is what everyones life is like.

Lately it feels like every time I turn around...I'm being thrown to the ground so that someone can walk all over me. While laughing.

But I'm still getting up. Dusting myself off. Trying to keep going.

Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing - and I answered 'Surviving' - and while that may be true..when I stopped to think about it..that's the furthest thing from the answer I should be giving. That I *want* to be giving.

Especially knowing what I know, being where I am.

I've watched way too many people die far too young to be sitting here moaning and complaining.

I've lost too many people to take my life for granted.

But still - I do. And I do and I do and I do.

I woke up this morning, determined to change my perspective.

Is it going to be easy?

Hell no.

Is it going to be fun?

Probably not all of the time.

Is it necessary?

Without a doubt.

There are so many things that I want to do, need to do, would love to do - and me sitting around crying, wishing, dreaming, hoping - it's not going to get me there.

Doing things will get me there.

Going out and actively making changes so that I can be the person mind, body and soul that I want to be will get me there.

Sitting in my room, lying in my bed, thinking about the past, thinking about the things I want out of life - that's insane. Sitting and wishing things were different when I could jump up and make them different if I really wanted to? That's crazy talk. Except it's not. Because it needs to happen.

This change needs to take place.

A shift is in order.

Two years ago I was lying on a beach in Greece.

Two years ago I was finishing up a year in Europe.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself that just because I was coming home, didn't mean I was allowed to sink back into old bad habits.

For a while - I did really well.

I kicked some negative people in my life to the curb.

I spent more time with family.

I made changes in the person I wanted to be.

I was hell bent on being the person I wanted to be.

And I was on the path to being the person I wanted to be.

Somewhere along the line I got derailed again though. I lost my focus, my purpose, my determination.

I let life get me down. I broke down and let myself slip a little. And that slip led to a little slide, and that slide ended me at the bottom of a pit of blah.

I became wrapped up in nothing, yet again.

Negative thoughts surrounded me constantly.

I've spent more time lying in bed staring at my ceiling, with tears streaming down my face..then I ever want to admit in the last year, year and a half.

I've let some opportunities, friendships and experiences pass me by.

I've become so encased in my own petty insignificant issues - that I've failed to see the bigger picture, what's right in front of me...and that frustrates and disgusts me more than anything.

Because life is short.

Too effing short.

And it's not always or even often easy.

But it's life.

And we're here - love it, like it or hate it - we're here.

So we've just gotta make the best out of it.

Smile when you're happy. Cry when you're sad. And remember to be grateful for what you have, instead of focusing on how much life sucks.

That's the opposite of what I've been doing. I've been crying when I'm sad - and miserable instead of grateful. I've failed to see the bigger picture - and just keep being miserable. I've been focusing on the negatives and failing to take joy in anything else.

So, I need to actively make decisions that will bring me more happy days than sad.

That will fill my life with more joy than sorrow.

So that when the sorrow comes along (and it will) - I'll have more happiness to hold on to. To move back towards.

Corny? Yes. Sappy? Yes. A little too simple for our brains that like to over complicated things? Definitely.

But perspective has made me realise that I need to do this.

I need to make better choices to change my life.

I need to appreciate the things I have.

I need to live my life actively, instead of passively.

I need to enjoy more, complain less and make an effort to be the person I want to be - because I'm the only one who can do that.

I need to live with every ounce of my being.

I need to hug people more, tell them I love them and make life worth living again.

Because life is too unpredictable.

And no matter what way you spin it, at the end of the day...life is way too short, and goes by way too fast to not be the person I want to be.

So project 'Live the life you want to live' (Also know as 'Don't be a dumbass, stupid.') is starting now. Right now.

I don't expect changing my perspective to change over night. It's not going to be easy, and it's not always going to be fun. I'm going to run into more roadblocks then I'm used to facing - because most times..I take the easy way out and want to quit instead of failing. And I hope that I can count on you guys to kick my ass if or when I start to derail. Because I'm probably going to need it. You know - it being a gentle reminder, a swift kick or a link back here - whatever it takes.

If nothing else - you've gotta stick around for that. Getting to kick me WITH PERMISSION? That's pretty much awesome.

...And I'm questioning my sanity already.

Happy Friday :)

Only The Good Die Young..

2011-07-21T12:01:00.002-04:00

This morning I got up with the intention of writing here. I had it all planned out in my head - I was going to bring happy and fun and carefree back to my blog. I had photos. I had stories. I had sarcastic comments...it was going to be EPIC.

Then - in the midst of doing that...I got word that a guy who was one of my good friends in highschool just died.

And now I'm sitting here crying.

I just dragged out all of my yearbooks and am reading the silly, funny, lovely things he wrote.

Laughing over photos.

Reading notes we use to pass each other when our teachers weren't looking that I'd completely forgotten about that live in a shoebox in a dark dusty corner of my closet that I found while digging around for photo albums from highschool.

Crying and wishing we'd kept in touch more then the odd conversation every few months over the last few years.

They say bad news comes in threes - and this has got to count as number three.

Because my SIL's mother having to have brain surgery and being given a prognosis that's awful? That's shitty. A girl from my small town highschool being murdered last week? Also shitty - and this..a guy who embodied the meaning of life. Who was always so full of laughter and smiles? Who you could NEVER say a bad thing about having a seizure and dying suddenly? That is just unfair. That is just the shit cherry on the shit cake.

So Universe - if you happen to see this?

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of bad news.

I'm sick of crying.

I'm sick of having to try and convince myself that this must all just be some messed up weird dream - because none of these things could have happened, have happened, are happening. I'm sick of trying to convince myself that life has to get better, be better..than this.

Because it is. It really is. It's got to be.

But still..right now? It kinda sucks.

A lot.

Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lie in my bed.

2011-07-14T12:17:00.000-04:00

I've known for a while that my SIL's mother is very sick, that she's dying. Between being good friends with my SIL, and my mother being her mothers nurse - you kind of get the picture, and I've known for a while now that her getting better was not going to happen.

It's still a shock though - to be faced with such a visible cruelty.

Especially when I saw her last weekend - her normal self. Walking around at the farmers market, making jokes and throwing around sarcastic comments and laughing.

To know that someone you know and love - someone who is a part of your life..is slipping away.

It is a strange reality to be faced with. The knowledge of death coming - instead of it being a sudden and shocking incident - no matter which way you spin it - it doesn't make it any easier. As you may know - despite death showing it's ugly face in my life - I don't deal well with it. It's hard, and I just..hate it. Knowing that it's coming? Is it any better than it being sudden and shocking? I don't know.

It doesn't make holding my sister in law while she sobs better.

Or knowing that you have to watch someone you love lose someone they love.

It makes you feel helpless as hell that you can't do anything.

It makes you want to scream that it's just not fair. That she'll miss too much. That there are so many things that she should get to do, to see, to have.

It makes you worry - because your SIL's mother watched her mother go through this exact same thing. At the same age. And you wonder - when will this horrible cycle of disease be stopped?

It makes you want to scream. To cry. To invest in a magic wand.

It makes you grateful for the things you have.

..Even if you have to be grateful while trying not to cry.

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

2011-07-12T23:46:00.000-04:00

Sometimes...I really am convinced that life sucks the epitome of suckage.

Days like today, when I'm CONVINCED that I'm going to have a good day. Then someone drops a bombshell on you that your SIL's (who your pretty darn close with..and would consider one of your good friends..) mother has been taken to Toronto for brain surgery and you're all WHAT. THE. HELL.

So then you're sitting in a kitchen at work ugly crying and trying to freeze fruit while trying to hide your sobs from customers.

Where you question how someone could be struck so many times with cancer. As soon as she's got one under control - another appears. For someone to watch grandparents, parents and siblings be taken by cancer - and then to beat breast cancer - twice? Only to be struck down with lung cancer - TWICE. And then to top it off - while you're dying with that - have completely unrelated brain cancer appear? What the HELL is that universe? Her plate of shit to deal with isn't enough? Really? Throw in a freaking brain tumor too?

So I sat and cried for a while.

Because that's what I do when shitty things happen.

I'm emotional. I know it. I'm a crier. It happens. I take after the women in my mom's family and cry like a baby at the drop of a hat.

But still...when it all boils down to it...it just...sucks.

Because as much as mothers can drive you crazy..

And as much as I'm pretty convinced that all mothers have signed a document while giving birth that says they must do everything in their power to confuse you and nag you and worry about you and oh yeah...DRIVE YOU CRAZY...

..They're still your mom.

And as much as my mom may drive me crazy...I love her. To bits. She's my mom. I know I can get mad and frustrated and take it out on her..and she'll still love me. I know that I can go to talk to her about anything..and she'll listen. I know that even when she's driving me crazy...there are good intentions in there driving the crazy. And I just can't imagine my life without having that constant in it to help me try and figure out this crazy world called life.

So when someone else I loves mom is sick?

It makes me sad.

It makes me really really sad.

It makes me so angry I could scream at the injustice.

It makes me want to punch the world in the junk for being such a jerk.

It makes me question things I believed in. It makes me questions things I want. It makes me question what the hell we're all doing here.

It makes me want to go back to a time before I knew that pain, suffering and disappointment existed.

It makes me want to curl up into a little ball and pretend the world isn't so shitty.

It makes me want to wave my magic wand and make it better.

It makes me cry.

So cancer? I hope you rot in h-e-double hockey sticks.

Exhaustion

2011-07-09T20:22:00.000-04:00

I feel like shit.

I'm exhausted.

I'm beyond my breaking point.

My stomach is constantly in pain.

I consistently get so angry and frustrated that I can't stop shaking.

I spend my mornings throwing up, or dry heaving.

I have zero energy.

I muster everything I can to try and put on a happy face..

Only to face a day where I get virtually nothing done - except dealing with petty, stupid, insignificant problems that I shouldn't have to deal with..

And then I walk in the door and I lose it.

I take out my frustrations on everyone around me.

I collapse into a puddle and cry.

I zombie on twitter.

I melt into bed.

A few restless hours of sleep...and I do it all again.

I am so tired of being screwed over.

I'm so tired of feeling like shit.

I'm tired of complaining.

I'm tired of being on this round about where in the end, I just end up angry at myself.

I'm just..tired.

Ghetto is the new awesome.

2011-07-07T06:52:00.000-04:00

While we're always finding new things to invest in, and new things to buy - farm life means that you can basically always find a use for things. There is virtually always something that you can do with something that's old and seems useless.

While it may seem pack-ratty to you - we use everything until it literally breaks in half. Or is sawed in half. Or is held together by elastic bands.

You see - we stretch everything..we make it work, and pull it together.

Okay - so not so much ME - as the guys. The guys are good at these things.

I'm usually just the one that's aiding in the destruction.

I DIGRESS.

So - we've got some ghetto things going on.

Like this van. We've got this van that I swear is thirty+ years old. It's been on its last legs since *I* was a kid. But it's still going.

Sure, you've gotta open the trunk with a wrench. And if the window is rolled up, you have to open the drivers door from the inside through the passenger door. And don't even think about taking the key out of the ignition..that thing STAYS there..it does not leave..because once it leaves..it's not going back.

But other than that - it's a PERFECTLY usable vehicle.

As long as you can sing along to the engine (it's too loud to hear the radio - which I'm not even sure plays anymore) and you don't mind the seat a little bit wet after it rains because the windows don't really close so well. I like to think that the wet seats replace the airconditioning that no longer works - it's VERSATILE, that vehicle. It adapts to it's new environment and makes changes so that everyones needs are met.

So really - not so much ghetto as GENIUS.

Then we have an old OMRON cash register. This thing is probably out of the 70's - maybe even the 60's. It still works. It's tempremental as a pregnant woman in her third trimester in August - but she works. Sometimes she'll ring in things when you're not looking - causing your jaw to drop as a subtotal comes to thousands of dollars - but most days..she's pretty alright.

Except that she's had to have a few surgeries. Sometimes you've got to give her time to warm up in the morning with a few brief transactions, before she can really handle a crowd. And don't think about hooking up a scale to her anymore - she's all - I'm too told to cohabitate - I blow up stuff if you attach it to me - I'm old and unpredictable - let me be.

But other than that...and..you know... the elastics that hold her insides together - that have to be replaced on occasion..she's fine. She's making it just okay. We only pull her out for special occassions or when someone else breaks - but she's old faithful - always in the back waiting to jump in when one of the younger flashier models gets moody and has their time of the month and she's all "I USE TO WALK TO SCHOOL IN THE SNOW. UPHILL. BOTH WAYS." and gets 'er done.

Finally (for this edition of Ghetto Farm, anyway) we have my brothers first dirt bike.

Which is literally..his bike. That's covered in dirt.

Okay. That's a lie. It's MY bike - that's covered in dirt.

My bike that was cut in half by my darling brother. Who then took apart a lawn mower..and attached the motor to *my* bicycle.

And then attached the whole thing back together (he was like, ten - before he was old enough to buy his first dirt bike - that came a couple of years after this..)

So it's a little bit of a ghetto lawnmower bike.

And by ghetto I do mean awesome.

And by awesome I do mean a deathtrap.

And by death trap I do mean...it starts when you pulled the pull cord on the lawn mower. And doesn't so much STOP - because he had to take off the pedals to put in the motor, and thus the breaks..to fit on the motor. And even if he did have breaks..there was no way to switch gears on a lawn mower...and you lawn mowers have way more power than you think - you can't just stop a lawn mower on a bike with regular breaks - you'd break your noggin. For real. So to break..you mostly just had to ride around until you're going to pass by something soft-esk...and then tuck and roll. And then you'd have to run back to find the bike-lawn mower that had fallen to the ground and was still running, and turn the motor off....or else get back on..and do it all over again.

Basically...we can't get cable and just got off of dialup internet a couple years ago.

..Pretty sure that's all the explanation need for our level of *cough* awesome.

Farm From The Phone

2011-07-05T22:28:00.001-04:00

I've been snapping the odd picture here or there from my phone as the days go on...half with the intention of sharing them, half because I love photos..and half to remind me that I live in a really beautiful place. And of course another half to tease all those lovlies that are trying to stalk me...via photo.

Yeah. Four halves. NOT QUARTERS. Halves. That's how I roll.

Anyway - Here are the things that I've been looking at in the last week...

Roses on the trellis

The poppies are up too..

Pretty sure we're growing tomatoes. FOR GIANTS. There are supposed to be rows in that tunnel. I swear.

Beans and peas are coming along..

One of the fields of strawberries!

People out picking on a Monday morning..

Sometimes we pick a few strawberries...

At market, at market...

This little monster goes NOM NOM NOM whenever he sees a strawberry.
Literally. Outloud -.NOM NOM NOM

I Hate People. They're So Stupid It Hurts.

2011-07-05T09:15:00.003-04:00

My staff has been driving me CRAZY this last week.

I don't know if it's because today is my first day off in a good month (of days working basically 12-20 hours a day), or if it's just because they're STUPID...but I'm at the point where I just want to punch them all (with the exception of like, two of them. Maybe.) in the face.

Right in the face.

I wish I were joking.

What have I dealt with this week?

Oh. Here you go:

Situation Number One

This was a staff member texting me Saturday afternoon. While she was at work. TEXT MESSAGING IS NOT ALLOWED AT WORK, YO.

Hey. So I want Sunday off. I've been working a lot. I really need a day off

In my head...You work a part time job during the week. Where you work 11-3 each day. You told me you wanted to work weekends. Every weekend. I've double checked with you FOUR TIMES to make sure that you could work this weekend. But you're telling me RIGHT NOW that you want TOMORROW off? Like, the shift that starts in 17 hours?

But I didn't respond, because I was all..WHAT. THE. HELL. Plus. Hello. I was *actually* working.

When I didn't immediately respond...she was like

I really need the day off because my family is having a get together thing.

I didn't respond. Because at this point..who the hell would I get to work.

THEN..she sent me ANOTHER text message that said that she needed the day off to get her car fixed.

WHAT GARAGE IS OPEN ON A SUNDAY OF A LONG WEEKEND TO DO ROUTINE WORK ON VEHICLES?!

Oh. And then to top it all off. She ARRANGED, and drove someone ELSE to work for her when I told her I needed her still. Someone who I didn't want working because they're an even bigger fuckup than she is. And they didn't tell anyone of this until they'd already arranged it and it was done.

You give me three excuses as to why you REALLY can't work - all of them shitty and stupid and transparent, why wouldn't you just stick to one thing? And then I find out through your crappy security settings on FACEBOOK the REAL reason you wanted the day off? What's that again? You're going out to the bar on Saturday night. RIGHT.

Guess who isn't working anymore? EITHER OF THEM.

_____________________________________________

Situation number two

It was a fairly busy weekend..but that means that we keep displays even fuller and more attractive, especially so we don't have to replenish as much.

I walk into one store after having started work at 5am, and the displays look like SHIT. There is virtually nothing out, and the two girls working are standing in the kitchen. Just standing there. When they need to restock EVERYTHING. So I bang around, slamming doors (because there are no customers in the store) and I fill up EVERY. SINGLE. DISPLAY. In LESS than ten minutes. And then I look at them at say "This is what this display should look like. This is what THIS display should look like. This is what THIS display should look like." - They sat there and WATCHED me do their work, work they KNEW how to do and what to do..and then had the audacity to ask my SIL why I was upset with them after I told them that they needed to stop dicking around. When I walked in to see a store I've worked SO HARD to build up and keep going looking like absolute SHIT...I get a little angry.

And then I told them to fill up the baking displays, and I came back an hour later and it STILL wasn't done. And so I freaked out and told them that they needed to get it done, ASAP - because the fact that it was an hour later, was just absurd. They had one cash register being used - which means that the other person NOT on cash, can be displaying, stocking and helping customers. Since customers seemed lost and not helped - I could only assume that they were displaying and stocking things. Except ALL OF THE DISPLAYS WERE EMPTY AGAIN.

So I told the one girl to fill up the tarts and baked goods, while I re-stocked everything else. AGAIN.

A few minutes later she looked at me..and was like..umm..do we have raisin tarts to sell?

And I was all "What does that box you're holding say?"

And she was all "Raisin tarts"

And I was all...Yeah...I GUESS SO THEN.

And went back to fixing up their crappy ass excuses for displays. Again.

Oh. And guess what? This happened TWICE. Like. This exact same situation with holding tarts and wondering if we had any of the kind that was being held. BY THE SAME GIRL. She did it on Saturday AND Monday. Umm...SERIOUSLY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

_________________________________________________________

Situation number three.

It's six am. I'm barely awake. I'm setting up tents, tables and displays at a farmers market...trying to mentally prep myself for what I know is going to be a long day.

I'm glancing at the time, because WTF - Two of my girls are late. One finally shows up, apologizing profusely for being five minutes late. I get over it - I don't have time for this.

Then. I look up to see the father of one of the girls I have working.

I look around him to try and see his daughter, who he or his wife drop off for work.

Nada.

I look at him with questioning eyes and he's all "Yeah...Jessica can't come this morning...so I'm going to work for her instead"

.....WHAT...THE...HELL.

And then I stand there.

Staring at him.

Wondering if he's serious.

Spoiler? HE WAS.

My hands were tied. It's the DAY OF.

I'm already SUPER short staffed.

What am I supposed to do?

He tries to spout off about how she was at a party, and now she has a really bad sunburn.

That's why she can't come to work.

And I'm all...DUDE...I HAVE HAD WAY BETTER EXCUSES THAN THAT AND STILL SHOWN UP FOR WORK...THIS IS NOT OKAY.

And then he tries to tell me that she was SO UPSET when she got home from this party and she was CRYING and she was REALLY REALLY upset...so that's when they decided that HE would work FOR her today...and then he was like..she was just REALLY worried that if she called you and told you she couldn't work when she got home at like, midnight, that you'd fire her.

(A - I would have fired her for calling me at midnight. Because HELLO - sleep is awesome. B - WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET YOUR KID GO TO A PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE THEY HAVE TO WORK AT 6AM???? Being responsible? Holding your kids accountable? TEACHING THEM THAT ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES? That means NOTHING? REALLY? And it's not even like your kid DRIVES - They would have had to be driven by YOU to this party. Which means that YOU endorsed this.)

So now she's SUPER worried that she'll get canned from a job that she doesn't want that her parents made her get, that I only hired her for because I felt like I HAD to...and now you're sending your DAD to work for you?

BECAUSE THAT'S OKAY AND/OR NORMAL.

Teaching your kids that they can do whatever the hell they want...is that REALLY what our society has come to? I can screw up, doesn't matter..someone will still do my work for me and I'll get a paycheque at the end of the day. I can go out with my friends and do whatever I want..I'm a pretty little princess who can never do anything wrong...la la la...and it's not even like BEFORE this she was GOOD at her job..I was doing her family a FAVOUR by giving her two shifts a week, and being miserable THROUGH the two shifts a week..because she SUCKS AT THIS JOB.

Guess what princess? Even if you think you CAN'T get fired because we feel obligated to keep you around?

..You're no longer being given any shifts.

This is the third time you've burned me...and you've only worked five days.

Soooo...I'm done.

________________________________

All of this happened on Saturday. Within ONE day. Well. The tart thing happened on Saturday AND Monday. But it originally happened on Saturday.

Which is a fair glimpse into what I deal with on a daily basis.

Between a million other idiotic things I'm forced to deal with..I'm pretty ready to crawl into a hole and die.

Or punch someone.

I'm pretty game for either right about now.

A Thousand Words.

2011-07-03T19:56:00.001-04:00

They (whoever THEY are) say that a picture says a thousand words.

So below I'm going to show you a picture of yours truly. One THOUSAND WORDS - to make up for my supreme amount of shitastic blogging abilities lately.

It's not pretty. It's not glamorous. It's not even really FUN - or FUNNY.

(Lame, I know.)

But it's me. A typical me.

...In mid to late strawberry season.

When I haven't had a day off in weeks (a month?) and I'm just...burning out.

I look like shit. I feel like shit. And people make me question why the hell I bother doing this when they treat me like crap and constantly try to throw me under the bus.

But I'm still smiling.

Kind of...maybe...a little bit. Hopefully.

..Anyway.

Here goes:

This is what I really look like this time of year.

No makeup. Hair all messy and crazy. Always at work, somewhere.

Except I don't have arrows all over my face.

..I don't think. Unless my sister-in-law has been drawing on my face while I'm not looking.

Again.

Todays Lesson: Blowing Up Your Car Is Bad.

2011-06-29T19:20:00.000-04:00

Sometimes my brother drives me a little bit bonkers.

I love the kid...but my brother and I are kind of opposites.

He's introverted. I'm what my mother likes to call a "social butterfly".

I've always been a book worm, while he liked to ACTUALLY play with worms.

He can do math problems in his head, and my head can barely remember where I left my calculator.

He can take anything apart and fix it..and..well..I'm really good at breaking stuff.

In short - we're basically POLAR opposites.

Which is why when I was at his house yesterday, and the trunk of my car refused to close, I was like..SWEET...I've got someone who can fix this..because I knew I would definitely not be able to even THINK about trying to fix it.

He looked at the trunk, asked when was the last time I checked the oil and sighed when I said I couldn't remember. I asked what the hell my oil had to do with my trunk as be began tinkering with the trunk.

After a couple of clicks, a this and a that, he slammed my trunk close and TA-DA!... It closed again. My old faithful was faithful once again.

Then he checked the oil. And all sorts of other car things that I have no idea what they are.

And then he told me I was lucky I didn't blow up my car.

..And to check to the oil every now and then.

AND to STOP BEING AN IDIOT. (Said IN CAP LOCKS with a death stare like OMGZ HOW ARE YOU SO STOOOOPID)

Conclusion? Being polar opposites isn't so bad after all...because even if he thinks I'm a giant stupid-head... it means that my car is still in one giant (sorta rusted, kinda falling apart) piece.

And I'm not COMPLETELY sure..but I think I heard somewhere that one giant (sorta rusted, kinda falling apart) piece is better than a bajillion blown up (sorta rusted, kinda falling apart) pieces.

Or something like that.

For My Country

2011-06-28T22:54:00.001-04:00

It's no secret that I'm Canadian

(Although it IS secret where EXACTLY I (and my farm) am located. Just ask Ruby Spikes - She'll tell you how hard it is to find me. And my farm. And that there are a BAJILLION farms in Ontario. I'm kind of a secretive jerk like that. Or funny. I like to think that I'm FUNNY.)

I like being Canadian.

We're pretty easy to spot.

When we travel - we put maple leafs all over our shit. Like. All over it. I think it's so we can migrate towards each other and feel less insecure about saying EH? in public.

We're the ones that will have a poutine stain down our shirt, and not be ashamed about it. Because poutine is friggen delicious. French fries? Good. Gravy? Good. Cheese? GOOD. Therefore - awesome heartattack in a bowl? GOOD.

We also have SUPER KICKASS AWESOME logic.(See: Above)

We're overly polite, and will apologize until you want to punch us in the face. Sorry 'bout that.

We can hold our liquor - and call water what Americans call beer. (Kidding...MOSTLY! ;))

We've invented all sorts of crazy cool things. Like the zipper. And insulin. AND STANDARD TIME.

We're basically awesome.As a whole.

You can find us on our chesterfields, watching Mr. Dressup re-runs while we curse that our Prime Minster could be elected when 60% of the people who voted..voted for people OTHER than the guy who won.

Or you can find us driving our cars at the end of June, with the snow tires on.

Just in case..because you never know.

Or..because we're busy

Okay. Because I'm busy.

OKAY.

Fine.

It's because I'm LAZY.

And not at all because I'm Canadian.

The Canadian in me is just telling me not to jinx the weather by taking off the snow tires.

Really, I'm doing it for my country.

Oh the things I do for this place. Snow tires in July. When the weather is 30+ degrees. CANADIAN. (Dudes. Trust me. Even if you don't speak Canadian. That's HAWT.)

...Only in Canada.

Or you know.

Only me.

Doh.

Wherein I'm Kinda A Jerk. For Fun.

2011-06-23T15:38:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I do things that may not be so ethical.

Like typing random words that are kind of silly, and putting them into a search engine. And then clicking on random blogs/websites. Which then makes whatever analytics program they're using show that someone has found their blog searching for THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS THAT HAVE EVER EXISTED.

But to be fair, I only started doing that because somewhere along the line I discovered that people were finding my (sorry excuse for a) blog by searching THE WEIRDEST THINGS EVER.

So. I decided to jump on board.

Because...Well...It's either believing that there is this giant game of 'MESS WITH PEOPLES MINDS!" that is just like an "unspoken rule" - or else there are a lot of really ridiculous and/or stupid people out there. And I like to think that people are just messing with me. You know. For fun.

Basically, I'm choosing to be optimistic and place my bet on the fact that a lot of people like to mess with others minds.

Because I mean. Think about it.

Imagine someone logging in to some random analytics program tomorrow to find that you've stumbled across their blog by googling "where to buy high class ninja cats"

Can't help but smile thinking about their reaction. CAN YOU.

Or what about "my alligator has a broken leg and a headache - is he drunk?"

Or Or Or - what if someone found your blog by looking for "breakfast foods to make for three when two people are invisible"

People are gonna be all "WTF and BAWHAHHA" all at the same time.

Really. I'm just putting happiness back in the world.

Happiness and confusion.

Those are my contributions society.

YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

I Wanna Grow Old With You

2011-06-19T22:03:00.000-04:00

Today is my parents 40th wedding anniversary.

I KNOW.

FORTY?!

How is that even POSSIBLE?

I can't even FATHOM forty years, let alone being married that long.

I don't have much to say about the subject - except...holy crap...that's basically..crazy.

And since I'm just dumbfounded by the fact that they've been married THAT LONG I'm just going to go in for the win with a photo post. Including some sweet oldschool photos.

Enjoy!

Then - A hippie wedding! Forty years ago today! Is it just me...or does it look like they're twelve and playing dressup?!

Then - Were parents even ever allowed to be this young?!

Then - My parents were so cool..they took pregnancy photos where my dad pretended to have a belly too.

Now - hanging out in the gaudi park in Barcelona when they came to Europe to visit me :)

Now - My parents after we climbed a mountain at dawn in South Africa a couple years ago

So - that's that.

Forty years, a pile of CRAZY adventures* and stories**, two of the best kids ever (I'm so modest.) and they're still together.

I have no idea what else one could possibly ask for :)

Happy anniversary Mom & Dad!

*For real yo. Like when my mom got her stuff stolen by gypsies. Then ensued a screaming match until her stuff came back. Like how my Dad built a sailboat for them to sail around on. Or about how they rode a motorcycle around Australia and New Zealand. Or when my mom "moved" to Iran with some people she met in a bar in Italy. Or when they were the first white people so many Chinese had seen after westerners were allowed back into the country - and a guy FREAKED OUT and followed my Dad the entire day because he had blue eyes just like him. Or when they ran marathons, dug clams for a living or planted trees. I mean....they BUILT A ROUND HOUSE ON AN ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WHERE ALL THE HIPPIES THAT DIDN'T FIT INTO THE REST OF THE WORLD LIVED.

They Call Me Hell. They Call Me Stacey. They Call Me Her. They Call Me Jane.

2011-06-15T07:41:00.003-04:00

I have one name.

Well.

Okay. I have two.

But I have one first name.

Erin.

E-R-I-N.

Kinda flowy.

Not really a whole lotta syllables.

Not really able to be shortened.

You can't really call me E, or Rin or Er.

Well. I guess you could. But it probably wouldn't work so well..because..that's not my name..that's not my name (Anyone else singing? No? Just me. Right. Moving on.)

So...the thing is..I don't really HAVE nicknames...but I'll probably answer even if you try.

I've been known to answer to Hey. You. Lady. Dumbass. Benerin (What. You mean your mother doesn't string your siblings names together so that she only has to remember one instead of two? That's only me? Crap. Moving on. Again.)

Where was I?

Oh right. I'll answer to lots of different names. For the most part.

I never really knew WHY I did this, until I came to the realization the other that that...well...Apparently I DON'T EVEN KNOW MY OWN NAME.

Yeah. For serious.

You see - I have to leave messages with people ALL OF THE TIME - and I'll leave my name, say where I'm calling from and a detailed message with a phone number to which they can return my call back - and then I wait for them to call me back. Which isn't really exciting at all - until they call back and then all of the time I get "Hello, could I speak to Anna please"

And I'm all - Sorry yo, There is no Anna here.

And they're like - Do I have ____?

And I'm all - Yep. You sure do. But there isn't an Anna here.

And they're all...Well...Uhh..Someone called me. It was a girl. She said her name was Anna.

And I'm all - who are you and what are you calling about?

And then they tell me and I'm all - No. It wasn't Anna that called you.

And they're all "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was"

And I'm all "DUDE MY NAME ISN'T ANNA. IT'S ERIN. I'M THE ONE THAT CALLED YOU."

(Except not at all like that. Usually I either tell them my name is Erin, or just let them think that I'm the dumbass that forgot my own name and be like "Oohhh..That was ME that called you. Sorry 'bout that.)

Because apparently - I'm a little bit too stupid to even know my own name.

True story.

I get phone calls for Anna....All. The. Time.

Maybe I have a split personality.

Or AN EVIL TWIN.

This explains so much.

People Make My Head Go WHAAA?

2011-06-14T09:09:00.000-04:00

The more I interact with people, the more I realise just how crazy the world is.

Or at the very least, how crazy the vast majority of the people in the world are.

Or - at the very VERY least - how crazy the vast majority of people seeking work around here are.

You see, I've been doing interviews for the last week or so.

Interviewing people for various positions - dealing with the public, dealing with cash, dealing with taking charge and doing things that need to be done.

I'm a pretty nice person. I don't like putting people on the spot or making them uncomfortable. I know that when people come for interviews, they're usually quite nervous to begin with..so I'm always friendly, nice and pretty easy going. Even if that's not what's going on in my head.

So I've got my handy little 'Pre-Interview' form. It's got a few questions on it - so before your interview, you're given that and asked to fill it out while I finish up with the person before you.

Nothing really too hard - actually really easy questions. Things that relate to your life, things that make you start thinking about the things I'm going to ask you (or ARE the same questions I'm going to ask you, just in SLIGHTLY different ways) that basically give me an overview of the kind of person you are.

Then I just start the interview by seeing if you can talk. For most of the jobs I'm hiring for - you NEED to be able to talk. You need to be able to maintain small friendly but happy chit chat with people. I'm not looking for people who are going to sit at a desk all day and push paper. I'm not looking for people to interact with a computer - I'm hiring for a relatively small family business that prides itself on customer service...so I NEED you to be more of a people person.

If I ask you how you're doing - you get points if you ask me how *I* am back. Because that's something I'd want you to naturally do with customers.

If you smile - YOU GET POINTS.

If you sit there with a monotone voice answering my questions with one worded answers looking like I'm torturing you even though I already gave you most of the questions FIVE MINUTES AGO? Your point level drops. Drastically. Sometimes even into THE NEGATIVES.

But then there are some special cases...ones that just..make your jaw drop and make you go...WHAT THE...?

The ones where there are just not enough negative points that can be dolled out fast enough.

Oh? You want examples?

Here you go.

So. This one girl comes in, and I'm asking her questions about herself - where is she going to school, what does she like to do - all things that come DIRECTLY FROM HER RESUME. Which she's HOLDING. All I want to know is - can you TALK, and make some sort of sense.

And I got...crickets. She had NO answers, and then was like "Um, like, what?" when I asked her WHAT SHE LIKES TO DO FOR FUN.

Which makes me go - you have NOTHING you could tell me that you like to do for fun. NOTHING? You could tell me if in a happy bubbly voice that you liked to pick your nose at this point, and it'd be better then asking what *I* thought was fun.

I inwardly groaned, and went on to continue with this - hoping she just had a case of the jitters.

(Spoiler: SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT STUPID.)

When I finally got out of her what she wanted to do with her life and she told me that she wanted to be a teacher, I groaned and hoped that if I ever reproduce, that is not the calibur of people in the education system. Which in a backwards kind of way - is the reason why I got out of the education system - it was far too draining and disheartening to watch all of the horrendous teaching that was happening all around me, and I just couldn't face myself to be a part of it and got so burnt out TRYING to make up for everyone elses shortcomings, that I overdid it and couldn't handle it anymore. Which made me give her some more negative points. Choosing to be a teacher because you don't know what else to do with your life? NOT A GOOD REASON TO BE A TEACHER. You need to be dedicated, passionate and love kids, teaching and learning. And you kind of need to not be a dumbass.

Which she kind of was.

Because when I asked her to tell me about a time in her life when she's shown some leadership (You know. Things that you MIGHT want in a teacher.) she cocked her head and went "Umm..Like..What do you...like..mean?" And I looked at her with what I can only imagine to be ABSOLUTE CONFUSION and said "You know. When you've BEEN A LEADER. When you've shown some initiative and taken charge of a situation" and she was like...Oooh. Ummmm.

And then we sat there.

And sat there.

And sat there some more.

And then eventually she told me about how at a previous job, she'd go through the racks of clothing and would make sure that things were in the right places. When her boss asked her to.

Face + Desk = Me.

So I've been seeing some...interesting characters.

Like where I was asked what our company policy was on visible obscene tattoos.

Or when someone told me that they were "really good at making conversation with even the LAMEST of people"

Or when a guy went on and on about HOW RESPONSIBLE he was. And if he was hired you could count on him to be so responsible and never let you down or do something bad. And then in the NEXT breath told me that he had his liscene, except you know..that it was taken away the other day. For driving with expired tags. And NO INSURANCE. Cause you know - that SCREAMS responsible.

Or the girl who told me that the time she could think of when she experienced the WORST customer service in her life was a couple of years ago when a guy at a gas station wouldn't sell her a lighter because she didn't have her ID on her (Here, you have to have ID to prove you're over 18 to buy cigarettes OR a lighter) and she didn't understand why he couldn't remember her because she'd just bought cigarettes with her fake ID THE DAY BEFORE.

But then quickly went on to tell me that she had quit smoking when she moved to the area, because it was SO BAD FOR YOU and really immature and she just wasn't "like that" (like what?) anymore.

So I asked how long she'd been living in the area and she responded "Since yesterday!"

.......

And this is where I wonder if someone has slipped me some crazy drugs because these can't be REAL people.

I hope for everyones sake that I've weeded out the crazy.

Because otherwise, this is going to be a long summer.

And my head is going to be very bruised from banging it against the wall.

Flavour Babies Are The Most Delicious Babies. Ever.

2011-06-13T23:06:00.001-04:00

You know it's getting to be summer time when we break out the salads for dinner.

All sorts of summer salads that we make when it's too hot to fathom eating, and you've got an abundance of fresh(er) fruits and vegetables with which to make said salad.

We made potato salad last week.

Which if you know me at all - you're probably like, man - that girl - she LOVES her some potato salad.

Which is bizarre - because the thought of mayo grosses me out to the point where I gag.

Yet, I love me some potato salad. A LOT. As long as I don't think about there being mayo in it. And just think about delicious carbs in the form of potatoes. You can't have a name that MEANS Ireland without loving potatoes. I'm pretty sure that's against the rules. OF THE WORLD.

ANYWAY. So I brought up that it was 16kajillion degrees, and since it was so hot, we should probably have some potato salad, and my Dad got his puppy dog eyes out and was like "YES!" ..because, well, he loves potato salad just about as much as I do. Which, FYI, is A LOT. Probably where I get it from.

So we started making some, and I just kept peeling more potatoes - until my mom was like ERIN. THAT'S ENOUGH.

Which is why I had to explain to her WHY I was making so much.

You know. Because potato salad is awesome the first day.

Mostly because you haven't had it in so long, and you're all - man. I love carbs. Carbs are AWESOME. Who cares about protein or other crappy foodgroups as long as I gots me some carbs - I'm good.

So you eat a bunch of potato salad.

Then, you put the rest in the fridge over night..and MAGIC HAPPENS.

I don't know how exactly - but sometime while you're sleeping the spices are all hanging out, chilling in the bowl and then they're like "How YOU doin" to some other spice, and suddenly - it's a full on love fest in the bowl and the spices have multiplied and are having little flavour babies which are basically a PARTY IN YOUR MOUTH.

And realise that...HOLY CRAP FLAVOR BABIES ARE THE MOST DELICIOUS BABIES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Not that I like to eat babies.

Well. Unless they're flavour babies.

Then I'm all NOM NOM NOM and it's FRIGGEN AMAZING.

So. After you pig out the SECOND day, and are all high on carbs, the flavours again just multiply and suddenly you have EVEN MORE FLAVOUR BABIES.

Well.

So I've heard anyway.

As if there is ever potato salad more than the next day in this house. Even when my mom has CLAIMED that I've made enough to feed an army.

It's clearly not enough for an army of US for three days. Because I don't think we've ever had potato salad in our house that long. Apparently our fridge gets all ticked off when flavours are doing it when it's not looking.

...At least that's my excuse for having to eat bunches of potato salad, and I'm sticking to it.

Either way, I'm pretty sure that potato salad should get an award for being freakin' awesome. And delicious. And full of the most delicious flavour babies in the world.

Because if there is anything I enjoy in the world..you can bet that it's flavour babies.

Which of course are best enjoyed while smacking your lips and going NOMNOMNOM. While your mom stares at you wondering what the H-E Double Hockey Sticks flavour babies are, and how she could have ever possibly had a child with a mind to come up with this random crap.

Asparagus Battles. TO THE DEATH. (Not Really. But Still Awesome)

2011-06-06T20:08:00.001-04:00

Warning: This is a video. If it plays, it will be loud. There may also be some profanity from people who get what they deserve because they're CHEATERS. Also. There must have been pain, because my sister in law basically never swears. Which is just another side effect of ASPARAGUS BATTLES TO THE DEATH. It happens.

Um.

Not that we do this ALL OF THE TIME. Or that we spend our time with asparagus scoping out which ones are best for battle. Or that I've crowned myself the Queen of Asparagus Awesome. Which is TOTALLY a real thing. Because it's me.

Feeling brave?

If so - click play to see how hard we work.

The Same Damn Thing

2011-06-06T18:14:00.004-04:00

I am mad at myself.

So mad.

I'm mad for constantly not feeling good enough.

I'm mad that I have no energy, motivation or drive.

I'm mad that I always feel overwhelmed and anxious.

I'm mad that I can't get my head on straight.

I'm mad that I can't do what I need to do.

I'm mad that things that use to come so easily, are painful to even attempt.

I'm mad that things I use to love, are a burden.

I'm mad that I keep screwing things up.

I'm mad that I can't concentrate, focus or get things organized.

I'm mad that I'm slipping, and that everyone else is seeing me fuck everything up.

Most of all though - I'm mad that I can't hide my failures and my flaws anymore.

I feel naked. Exposed. Vulnerable.

And like no one GETS it. Like they just think that I'm lazy, stupid and a sorry excuse for a human being.

When I have no idea why I'm like this now - or how to fix it.

And I'm mad that everyone is just standing there wondering what the fuck happened to me.

Where I went. Who I've become.

And I'm even more mad - because I'm standing here wondering the same damn thing.

Brain Vomit 3.0 - DISCLAIMER: Sponsored by sugar and exhaustion.

2011-06-05T20:41:00.002-04:00

A while I ago I did some brain vomits, (You can see Brain Vomit 1.0 & 2.0 here and here - Although to be fair - if you wanted to see any sort of ACCUMULATION of brain vomit..you could just visit my blog. Or..just stick around. Since if you're reading this..you kind of already are. Sucker.)

Anywho. So what I did - was I sat at the computer for a few minutes and whatever plopped onto the screen was what you got. Call it lazy blogging, call it stupid - call it GENIUS - whatever. I don't really care what you think ANYWAY. (Wait. Don't leave. I do care. I love you. Please come back? Fine. I DON'T NEED YOU ANYWAY. I CAN TOTALLY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF WITHOUT YOU. JERK.)

I'm sorry you had to see that. Thanks for sticking around.

ANYWAY. This is what came out of my fingers tonight.

Not my brain, please keep that in mind if you plan on trying to continue to read this. It was just my fingers that wrote this. No brains were harmed in the making of it. In the writing of it? I don't think that I have a brain left to harm - it left a long time ago.

Also - I swear I'm not on drugs.

This is just my brain - without drugs. Or any sorry excuse for EDITING. *cue scary music*

Okay.

So.

Have you ever wondered where artificial flavours come from? I mean. Really. Because I love grapes. Like, I really do. Well. Unless they have seeds. Because then I'm all EFF BOMB YOU GRAPES because I have no patience and tolerance for things that I'm eating when I have to pick out little stupid seeds and crap. Especially to work so hard so that you can finally be like SUCCESS! I HAVE BEAT YOU FRUIT! I WIN AT LIFE! And then you crunch down on some hard bitter seed and you're all "DAMNIT. THWARTED AGAIN." Which probably explains my dislike for watermelon. At least watermelon in the days before it became seedless. Can you imagine a life when all oranges, grapes and watermelon actually HAD seeds?

You know - things that could reproduce and crap?

Because you know that they can't reproduce without seeds.

God bless genetic modifcation. And seedless food.

I once heard that banana's use to have seeds - but people were all "DOWN WITH SEEDFILLED BANANAS - and then the smart people got rid of the banana seed - except NOW - Now the scientists are all "Crap. We have no way to make anymore bananas because they don't have seeds and banana's are gonna go extinct - Crap" - Sad. Well - to be truthful - I don't really care too much, since banana's are basically my least favourite fruit ever. Unless they're sort of green. Then - okay. Maybe. But regularly? No THANK YOU. Gross. Especially mushy banana. Ew. And banana flavoured medicine? DIS-GUST-ING.

I actually don't even know if that's true at all that they're going extinct. It could have been one of those crazy internet hoax emails that GET you and make you think that IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS TO SEVENTEEN GAJILLION PEOPLE IN THE NEXT FOUR SECONDS YOU WILL DIE AND ALL OF THE BANANA TREES IN THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE.

I get emails like that ALL the time. And do NOTHING with them. And I still haven't seen a damn banana tree explode.

WHY MUST YOU LIE TO ME EMAIL.

Or maybe it was a dream.

Because I've been dreaming crazy shit lately.

Not about exploding banana trees. That'd be cool - but these dreams? They're just messed.

Like last night I dreamt that I had twins - and all I wanted to do was eat sushi and I couldn't because apparently once you have babies you're not allowed to have sushi - at least in my dreams.

Which basically just means that I should either a) never have children b) eat copious amounts of sushi in the case that I ever reproduce because hell has frozen over or c) not read into my dreams.

And just in case you're thinking "But Erin, That kind of makes sense - since pregnant women can't eat sushi because some fish has a lot of mercury in it because humans have effed with the environment and mercury is bad to ingest" - Think again. I don't MAKE SENSE. Jeeze. It's like you don't even KNOW me.

Because when I say I eat sushi - what I really mean is that I eat a small portion of the sushi menu - because I don't eat raw fish - because that just grosses me out. A lot. And I just can't do it. I tried once...and sat with a piece of nigiri with raw fish on it on my chopsticks for twenty minutes while everyone at the table stared me down and laughed at me being ridiculous. Until I finally called uncle and let the person beside me eat it because I just. couldn't. do. it.

Lame, I know.

Oh. And to make my sushi experiences even MORE hilarious - I also ABHOR cucumbers.

You know. THE THING THAT EVERYONE PUTS IN ALL SUSHI. Probably because they HATE ME.

So that's fun.

Because I can definitely still taste it if I try to take it out of/off of something.

So I just order things WITHOUT cucumber.

Which is basically like, two things on the menu.

But those two things? Freakin' delicious.

(There are actually more then two things. And I guess I could just ask for them to make things WITHOUT cucumber...but usually we just order a bunch of things and share. And everyone else in the ENTIRE WORLD seems to LOVE cucumber. I don't know why, since it's DISGUSTING...but they do.)

Funny thing about my hatred for cucumbers though? I hate them..so much. But I love pickles. And tzatziki. And other things that contain cucumbers that just don't taste like them - because they taste like vomit. And shoes. They taste like someone has vomited in a shoe.

Not that I know what shoe vomit tastes like.

Although once I did drink beer out of a shoe on a street corner.

But it was more of a random glass slipper...uhh...MUG, then a shoe...Per Se...and there was no vomit in it.

I hope.

Wait - where the HELL was I?

I was totally talking about something.

Oh. Right.

FLAVOURS. So. When I'll all 'I'll get something that's 'grape' flavoured" - and I look on the package and they're all 'Artifical Flavours' and I'm all - Dude. That's not even CLOSE to a grape. Where do they even GET this shit from? Because THIS? THIS IS JUST PURPLE. You made purple into a flavour and you really shouldn't even TRY to pretend that it's grape. Because grapes don't taste like that. At all. And blue - blue may be awesome, but if you were aiming for blueberry - you're way off. Because grapes don't taste like blue. Or purple. They just taste like grapes.

Oh - and green that SHOULD be sour apple because that's FREAKIN' AWESOME - and disguises itself as lime?

Bull to the SHIT.

The end.

PS. This post was brought to you by the giant bag of candy that I've been eating today. Sugar and artificial colouring in blog form. Betcha always wanted to know what THAT train wreck looked like.

Yeah.

2011-06-05T19:41:00.000-04:00

Know how to get me to blog again?

Give me a huge ass to-do list of things that REALLY need to be done - and no desire to get out of bed.

That'll do it.

Because clearly - blogging comes before to-do lists.

Add to that few slap in the face reminders that your life isn't bad and you should SNAP THE EFF OUT OF IT - and tada - here I am.

Not out of it.

But...here.

Somewhat.

Trying to force myself into a state of..something. Anything.

No promises, but I'm working on it.

Real post later.

If I remember how to do that.

Later Gators

2011-06-02T14:55:00.000-04:00

I've been taking a break from blogging.

A) Because I've been busy

B) Because I'm miserable and surly.

C) Because now that I'm not busy - I just would rather lie in bed and pretend the world doesn't exist.

Truth is - I'm not so happy right now and am just feeling like my life is spiraling out of control. Everything that I do is wrong, I can't manage anything - and every little thing sets me off. I cried over a freakin' birds nest the other day. WHO DOES THAT.

Crazy effed up people. That's who.

I've been trying for a long time to pretend to be normal - but I'm so sick of being fake. I'm sick of smiling when I don't care, and I'm sick of people pretending to care, or feeling like they have to. I'm sick of feeling empty and listless. So...isolating myself is easier then the guilt of making people feel like they have to put up with me. Even if it just perpetuates the problem...that's what I'm up to. Hiding on the internet, hiding from friends and family - just hiding. Lying in bed, trying to figure shit out - but getting nowhere, still hoping that eventually I'll end up anywhere...walking the fine line between showing my ugly face and not worrying people, and showing my face too much and worrying them more. Can't even do that right it seems.

ANYWAY. If I'm not around - don't worry, I'll come back and tell you about the time I pet a (REAL, LIVE) cheetah when I was drunk at 10am, or the time that I ended up on a train in the middle of nowhere in Macedonia for like, 12 hours and then they took our passports and we almost died from extreme heat and/or BO thanks to adolescent football players. Or about how one time I made pancakes for a prince. Or about how no one knows my name, and I'm pretty sure I've got an invisibility cloak because HOLY SHIT I'M BASICALLY HARRY POTTER.

See...There are lots of ridiculous stories left to tell.

But for now - my bed, crying about ridiculous things and self medicating via booze is what's keeping me going - and it's not so pretty, so I'm gonna put myself in an internet and/or life time out and catch ya folks later.

Happy Birthday to a Dead Queen That Isn't Canadian.

2011-05-24T22:43:00.002-04:00

This weekend was a lot of things.

It was happy, sad, upbeat and crazy..and relaxing - all in the same moment.

It was filled with a bunch of good food.

It was filled with a bunch of lovely ladies.

It was filled with beers, sitting by the waters edge and endless thoughts.

Alas, as soon as the weekend came to a close, I jumped back into real life and came home and packed a bajillion pounds of asparagus.

I don't think that I've really stopped since then, there are a million things to do - so the next few photos are going to have to sum up the entire weekend...because I just don't have the time or the energy right now.

Here goes:

Sunset over the water

Beers (With tequila!) by the water..

Going out on the water!

Some yummy dinner one night!

At the bar on our last evening..

So, not a terribly wondering description with lots of stories. And not even a huge amount of photos - but I ended up spending most of my weekend quietly thinking, loudly chit chatting or sipping some delicious adult beverages..and stepped out from behind the camera and just let the good times flow.

ANYWAY - I have to be up at 5am, so that's going to have to do...for now at least!

Ta lovelies!

Later, Suckas

2011-05-20T17:29:00.000-04:00

I'll be absent from the internet all weekend - I have some very serious things to attend to.

Because if you tell me that celebrating a dead queens birthday is NOT important - you're a fool. FOOL I SAY.

Yes, we like to celebrate Queens (who aren't ours) and drink a lot of beer. The longest line I waited in today was at the beerstore. Where I bought EVERYTHING THEY HAD. Literally. Well, at least in what I was looking for.

So inbetween sitting around waiting for the world to explode I'll be hanging out with THESE lovely ladies:

(Blurry and offcentre. Which basically sums out our (AWESOME) time together in Vegas.)
Which is basically what I'm expecting from this weekend.
Based purely on how much booze I bought.

And a few too many bottles of wine.

And far too much good food.

At my cottage for the long weekend.

Because if the world is going to go all crazy ANYWAY - I might as well have tequila flavoured beer and good friends around me to soothe my sorrows.

See you on Monday, you know - if the world isn't ending.

Wherein You See The Crazy

2011-05-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

There are so many weddings going on lately that I feel like I'm constantly in wedding/marriage mode.

I'm always thinking about it, I'm always wondering about it - I'm always doing something that is SOMEHOW related to weddings. Even when I'm doing nothing that you would think could be related to weddings.

And the pressure - oh my GAWD.

I'm TWENTY FIVE.

I don't need to get married tomorrow - do I?

Well - the people in my life seem to think otherwise.

They mean well, they really do - but SERIOUSLY?

Last week, my almost sister-in-law told me that I should marry one of the guys at the farmers markets, because we'd make a really cute couple. Then she proceeded to tell me all of the reasons why I should marry him - like that he's good with kids. And we'd get free food that's AWESOME. When I jokingly told my cousin about this she was all OMG - I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING WHEN I WAS BUYING FOOD FROM HIM THE OTHER DAY. DOOO IT! MARRY HIM! HE'S AWESOME! AND NICE! AND WE'D GET FREE FOOD! DOOOO ITTT!!!

Then I broke BOTH of their hearts and told them that his girlfriend probably wouldn't like me dating him for free food very much. And they got all sad and grumpy about having to pay for things.

Then, my almost sister-in-law devised an even BETTER plan - where she decided that I should marry one of her good friends. Except that this good friend IS A GIRL. And she was all....WHATEVER...LOVE IS LOVE. And I was all..Yeah...except I'm not in LOVE with her. Plus - LIVING YOUR LIFE A LIE WOULD BE RIDICULOUS. And then she proceeded to try and convince me to become a lesbian (How does one DECIDE to become a lesbian exactly? I didn't decide to become straight - I just am. Hmm. Slight, MINOR problem.) because her friend was so nice and she wanted her for a sister in law. Needless to say, this plan of hers isn't going to work out so well either.

Next - my mother has decided to randomly interject conversations with comments like 'Why don't you go on those internet things and find a nice guy like your cousin did' and I'm all MOM. THEY'RE NOT INTERNET THINGS AND BOYS ON THE INTERNET SCARE ME BECAUSE OMG DATING BOYS AROUND HERE IS SCARY. DON'T YOU READ MY BLOG?!

And then I remembered that she DOESN'T read my blog, mostly because she calls the internet 'those internet things', and then I remembered that talking to her about why I was unable to find a nice boy was like talking to a brick wall - and gave up.

Though I seem to be brainwashed - because everywhere I go, I'm scoping out guys. But especially at farmers markets - because the guys that go to farmers markets - they're generally pretty cute and nice. That, and I'm bored and am wondering where the hell these guys hide when they're NOT at farmers markets - because the only time I tend to see them is there. When I've been up since ungodly hours. And didn't have time to put on makeup.

But still..in my head I'm all...

Oh - that one looks nice. Damn. That girl went and took his hand. Guess HE'S out. Cross HIM off my invisible list. Wait. I could TOTALLY take her. Yeah. She's like a STICK, and I'm a FARM GIRL YO. Wait. He probably likes stick girls. This will never work. We're doomed. This SUCKS and I'm pretty sure that arranged marriages make SO MUCH MORE SENSE.

And then I'm all...

Oooh..That one is kinda cute. Ah. Damn. Ring on the finger. WHY MUST THERE ALWAYS BE A RING ON THE FINGER?! STUPID RINGS. I HATE YOU AND YOUR SYMBOLS OF EVERLASTING LOVE. WHAT IS THAT, ANYWAY? Are you just trying to shove it in my face that you've found this magical relationship where you can spend the rest of your life with someone and I'm going to die alone - old and bitter? Seriously...who says those things. I don't want to marry you ANYWAY, meanieface.

And next I'm all..

Oooh...maybe THAT one! And then I realise that he's totting around three kids and a grocery list and I'm all...you've totally been sent to the farmers market so your wife doesn't have a nervous breakdown and can have an hour off. Because it's either THAT - Or - you're divorced and super organized. Either way, this just isn't going to work, because HELLO - someone who is organized putting up with me? That's just funny. And probably why he's divorced. He married a me who wasn't me. I don't want him to make that mistake twice. Really, I'm just looking out for HIS best interests. And the children - think of the CHILDREN, they don't need to go through such a thing, AGAIN. Sigh.

And finally I'm all..

Dude. You know you're crazy right? Like, normal people don't do this. They don't have conversations in their heads at people walking by about being in possible relationships with them because that's just..weird.

And then I'm all - Shut up self, I can talk to whoever I want in my own head - YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. Plus - omg - look over there. He's pretty dreamy - do you think I should invest in binoculars?That guy over there looks cute from a distance, but you never know up close, yanno? Plus, I can't quite get a good look at the ring finger from this far away. I need go-go-gadget BINOCULARS. That would make life so much easier. Why oh why am I not the female inspector gadget? LIFE IS JUST WAY TOO UNFAIR.

And that's when the rational side of my brain sighs and continues to fill out a paperwork to try and get a divorce from the crazy it's forced to share space with. While I hide in the corner and wait for my parents to regress 200 years and set up an arranged marriage for me.

Because seriously - that would be So. Much. Easier.

For realz.

I've Lost My Mind. Now In Video.

2011-05-18T22:55:00.000-04:00

So I made this vlog to link up with some lovely ladies on twitter. But then it didn't sync up properly when I tried to upload it. Then I tried to make another one. And failed. And then I tried to make a third one. And this is it...you know, a week+ late.

It still doesn't sync up.

I still look and sound like a moron.

Probably because I'm sleep deprived. Yeah. Let's try to blame it on THAT.

I ramble and say um a lot.

I'm REALLY random.

Even if the picture doesn't match what I'm saying.

And for part of the video my screen goes dark and I turn into a racoon with a black eye. Freaky odd sign from animals that are trying to kill me? Or just a sign that I shouldn't ramble long enough for my computer to start to hibernate? PROBABLY BOTH.

Also - I swear my voice doesn't sound like this. It's ALIENS I TELL YOU, ALIENS.

Watch at your own risk. Suckers.

I can't believe I'm posting this.

Well. Cough.

Let's just pretend THAT never happened.