My Crazy (Awesome) Swiss Family.

Yesterday I had such a bizarre day. I ended up in my car in the early morning, driving to Toronto to meet the girls I was a nanny for in Switzerland and their Mom. They were in in town for a few days and wanted to see me. After sending a couple of messages back and forth over the last couple of weeks..I sent them my cell phone number and they called me on Friday, where we chatted for a while and then arranged to meet at their hotel lobby the following morning.

To say I was freaked out, nervous, excited and going crazy was a vast understatement.

I knew I would be under dressed, and under..everything. Living outside of Europe is such a different world, especially compared to theirs, so I spent Friday night running around trying to find an appropriate outfit. After finding nothing that would suffice but spending way too much money (for me) anyway, I ended up wearing something I already had. I figured since I was going to be vastly under dressed anyway, I might as well just roll with it, and so I did.

When I got there and finally managed to park, it was amazing to me how quickly things fell back into place. Right into place. How they didn't care that my jeans weren't designer, or a size zero. How they loved my long hair, and wanted to hear all about the animals on my farm. How they just wanted to walk beside me, and couldn't care less that I didn't fit into their world, because I was me.

The lobby of their swanky beyond swanky hotel was filled with hugs and reunions. Exclamations over how much the girls had grown, how I couldn't even believe that they were here and stories of our mutual lives.

We soon took off on adventures, ready to see and take on the city - but not until we had the concierge trying to use his power and influence to get us into a theme park that wasn't open for the season yet. He tried his best, dropping names and influence like it was nothing, even going so far as to call people up high in the company who had rented out the park for the day. Alas, nothing in the end came to fruition, but it reminded me how bizarre their lives are. How money, influence and confidence can buy you certain things, or at least do a very good job of trying.

They lack fear in asking for things, and expect them, so they're given to them. Not because they're vastly important or special people, but just because they're there, and they have no qualms about asking. They give off an air of confidence that is of their own making and people believe it, so it makes things happen. I have no doubt that the girls will all be able to use this to their advantage later on in life, they're already using it. This confidence presented itself throughout the entire day, and I forgot how it makes you feel. They've always been the kind of people who believe they can do anything, and with money and gorgeous genes in your back pocket (and on your back pocket) I suppose to makes sense where this might come from. They will never take no for an answer, and they will always get what they want - no questions about it. They will find a way, might not be the first way, but there will always be a way. It's interesting, and something I thought about a lot...between the money and the confidence...well...it opens up a lot of doors. The confidence intrigues me, but it also worries me that if the realities of life ever catch up on them, the disappointments may be much more than they can bear, because they've never had to experience anything like that in their lives. I think I could spend more hours than I could count imaging all of the opportunities they have in their lives, wondering which ones they'll take and where they'll go, no doubt that they'll be able to do whatever they set their hearts and their minds to.

From meeting at their hotel and having the staff go to so many extra levels, we spent the entire day site seeing, shopping and catching up.

It was as though years hadn't passed, and I was still so much a part of their lives, and they of mine.

It was intoxicating to remember how crazy life can be when money is absolutely no object. Where ordering a thirty dollar sandwich for lunch at a posh little restaurant hidden among designer stores causes your former boss to explain how CHEAP things are in this country! Where spending a few thousand dollars on a couple of dresses, and a new clutch isn't a big deal. Where at the next store the little one wants a pair of jeans and her mom says 'of course' - and they've got a $300 price tag. Add a new jacket to that for another cool 600 big ones...and she's down another thousand dollars but still can't believe what great deals we have here.

It's bizarre to think that there are people who are visiting a new city for the first time who aren't completely focused on seeing all that the city has to offer in a hurry because to them it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Because they figure they might as well relax and enjoy it - they can always come back!

It was surreal to be with them where they can waltz into a shop and suddenly someone is getting their hair done and we're all having manicures. Because why NOT?

Where having dinner more than thirty floors above the city is normal. In a restaurant where the starters for a meal range from $25 to $250 dollars. And the wine is ordered by the year, always.

Where gift baskets are left in hotel rooms for girls who are staying there. Personalized from information quietly gleaned from them when reservations were made, of course. Things to make their stay more comfortable. Their favourite candies, little souveniers of their favourite popstar, a little this or that.

It was a little insane to me how easily I fell back into their routine. How they'd grown so much, changed so much, but still told me I gave such good hugs. How they routinely throughout the day would just come up to me and wrap their arms around me and tell me they missed me. How they shared their stories and we laughed. How we talked about all of the mischief they were up to, and they told me their latest friend and/or boy drama. How my voice changed, the inflections I used, the words I used, my behaviour, my attitude and my mood changed. Even my eating habits changed when I was with them for only a few hours. Everything immediately fell back in line with what it had been when I lived in Europe.

I changed back to someone I had almost forgotten, but immediately switched back to, subconsciously.

As we tore through dress stores I delighted in their squeals as I'd bring them back another size zero dress to shimmy into that was just TOO PERFECT.

It was so fun to catch up with them.

It was fun to remember how much money can be. When you aren't the one who is cleaning up the mess and putting the tired kids to bed and getting up with them when they were sick in the middle of the night; when you knew you were making less money in a month than they paid for their purse. Well. I still make less money than they paid for their purses..but at least I don't have to deal with the chaos their lifestyle also brings - just the fun. Playing with an unlimited budget is fun when you forget how it could be used for so many other things, when you forget for a moment the excess in their lives when so many others live with nothing. In the end it was good to remember why I made the decision when I left them that I never want that kind of money - despite how crazy anyone thinks I am.

It was beautiful to see the people they had grown into. How despite the money and the opportunities they're given, they're actually (maybe) becoming decent people with decent thoughts in their head. How they're maturing and being real people, how they had changed so very much from the little kids they were when I spent a year wrapped in their lives. It was lovely to be welcomed into their lives once again with open arms. It was amazing to hear all of the things they've done, places they've gone and things they're planning. It was wonderful to have the little one (who is ANYTHING but little anymore) ask me why I couldn't just come back and live with them forever. As they hugged me goodbye they told me that I had to come back to Switzerland soon, even if just for a visit, and I promised I would. They explained that my ex-bosses-new-husband has bought a new house for them to live (which is actually two houses that have been opened up and joined together) on the lake in Zurich, with a boat and lots of gardens and land...but they're probably going to renovate their old house as well and just add another floor or two, so there will always be lots of space for me to visit now (not that there wasn't before) that my ex-boss is remarried and there are five girls instead of just three in the family.

It was just the craziest visit. It reminded me of all of the crazy, insane and wonderful stories I have stored in my head that I wish I could tell the world from  just a year in their lives. My boss and I had a pretty special bond, but we became even more like friends, talking about experiences and things we were doing and our lives, right back into our old routines like we were sipping coffee overlooking the mountains or the lake in the morning once we'd gotten the girls off to school. Or rather, I got the girls off to school and was already started ironing and was having a mid morning coffee when she woke up, claiming she was going to need a nap later because she'd had a late night at a club. A fashion show. A gallery opening. A whatever. There is so much separating us, yet we're alike in some very funny ways, and we to just fell back into our routine as we shared secret smiles after watching the girls discover something new, and literally jump with happiness. I remembered so many good moments from my year with them. So so many, even among all of the insane things I dealt with.

So I left with promises to come visit in Switzerland, or meet them on their yacht in the South of France or go to French Polynesia with them whenever I felt like it, and was told that I was always welcome to come visit wherever in the world they were. I laughed and told them I'd see what I could do to see my Swiss family and that I would miss them terribly. My old boss cried because she said it made her so happy that I thought of them like family, and I smiled because I really do.

They're my crazy Swiss family.

I mean...I already have lots of crazy in my family, what's a little more.

Emotions And/Or Feelings Are Bullshit. The End.

Last night I ended up in one of 'those' moods.

One where I felt so alone. So isolated. So...not okay.

I had no idea what was wrong.

Nothing. Everything. Anything.

I'd had a decent day. I got some things done. I got to hang out with The Babe and play hilarious games with him. I got to cuddle a sweet little newborn baby girl. I checked my bank account and had a substantially larger amount of money in there than I thought was there (Oh hey paycheque. You're awesome.). My aunt is officially done her last round of chemo. I had a nice lunch with what I hope might be a new friend. Things are most definitely looking up.

Yet as I stood in the kitchen doing dishes...I had to will myself not to cry, because I had nothing to cry about. Still though..I stood there with tears falling down my face, unable to stop them.

I soon went and hid in my room, thinking about everything. Thinking about nothing.

But I dragged myself up. Reached out to a lovely friend who always reaches back, who reminded me that it's okay to have days that just overwhelm you for no reason...and then I crawled into bed.

I thought I would wake up in a better mood.

But I still just wanted to crawl back into bed and hide.

For no reason at all.

Today has been..interesting. In the 'why is life so complicated' and the 'BLARRG' and the 'I needed to get a lot more done than I did' way - which is just adding to the stress and anxiety. When I should be feeling anything but. I feel like I should be feeling certain things...and am mad at myself for not. Why do I feel like I have to feel certain things? Why can't I just own my feelings and deal with them instead of being upset about them? I'm just tired and worn out. I'm just..spent. Already. It's April and I feel like I don't know how I'm going to survive the next few months.

So I've decided to just try and chip away at the things that need to be done. To try and keep muddling through life, whatever it may be. Daydreaming as I watch the world get more and more green outside the window as the cold wind whips through the trees. I will stay wrapped in a quilt my grandmother made years ago, trying to soak up some warmth along with a little love and wisdom she always seemed to have extra of.

While the puppy naps on my feet I'm okay with wrapping myself in something she spent so much time pouring her time into always helps to make me feel a little more loved, like I might make it through this life thing...eventually.

Even if I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing.

And all I want to do today is just want to curl into a ball and cry.

I Less Than Three This. Times A lot.

I'm easily amused right now..

Forgive me...I've been taking care of a toddler after watching a baby be born and getting only a few mere hours of sleep.

Alas.

When complaining about how exhausted I was here:

These were the first three responses I got from some of my twitter besties. Who told me that they did NOT plan out their responses.

Please try to explain to me how ANYONE could not be absolutely HEAD OVER HEELS in love with twitter after reading these messages? WHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU INSTANTLY SUNG SOFT KITTY....Especially where it just happens so....organically.

Ah. It's the magical power of twitter. #twitterpower or #twittermagic, if you will. Or just the magic of finding an amazing group of the best kind of girlfriends you could have ever imagined...when you haven't met a single one. (Okay. So some a lot of them are kind of jerks awesome and have now met. My turn has got to be happening sometime soon!) (PS - If you want great friends. Come hang out on the internet with us. We're here...Monday to Friday. Pretty much 24/7. And weekends too. Yeah. Smart phones FTW!)

Twitter: Making my life since I realised it wasn't stupid and boring and was just full of the awesome.

Alternatively? Twitter: Sucking all of my time in the best way (the way that makes my heart happy!) times a bazillion.

Or finally...Twitter: Amusing exhausted people with awesome. Since always.

Missing. One girl. Mid twenties. No idea who she is or where she's going.

Tonight I got slammed with the realization that I am not moving forward in my life.

I know.

Seems dramatic

But I'm not.

(Moving forward that is. I very well may dramatic. Maybe THAT is my problem.)

Right now I feel like I'm completely stagnant. Standing still. Worse yet? I'm repeating the exact same cycle of events without even realizing it and have no idea how to stop. Because it takes me years to figure out that that is what I'm doing. And then by that time..I'm so stuck in my routine that it takes me years to break free...and then by the time I finally break free...I'm stuck in the exact same bullshit all over again.

Basically...WTF, SELF?

Different people, different situations, but for all intents and purposes...exactly the same when you break it all down and examine my behaviour instead of the situations.

Which annoys me even more, because it is MY behaviour.

I have control over it.

Or at least I'm supposed to.

Yet I keep spinning around in circles.

Doing the exact same stupid things that I swore I wasn't going to do anymore.

At the expense of myself.

My being.

My soul.

It's not all bad, but I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living my life like this. I can't keep living other peoples lives when what should be my perfectly good one is lying listless, tossed to the side.

I can't live with this lack of balance, it's driving me insane.

The lack of limits and the lack of control and the lack of..anything.

I try so hard, yet feel like it's never enough.

How is that even POSSIBLE?

Why can't I ever be put first? Ever. By anyone? Myself included.

...Myself especially?

Why can't I get off this roller coaster of bullshit and just...stop.

I am the common denominator. I am the same thing in all of the puzzles.

....And that drives me even MORE insane than I already feel..because I know at the end of the day that it's my responsibility, and furthermore..it's MY fault. I could change this, but I don't. I could be in control, yet I'm not. I should be able to be what I want to be, yet instead I go full force trying to fake it till I make it and be happy and be whatever it is I'm supposed to be until something takes my breath away. But not in the good way. In the...you just got punched in the chest and then thrown into a lake kind of way.

Why is happiness so much work? When did it become work?

Why can't I find a way to be what I want to be for other people, yet still be ANYTHING for me?

Why do I feel so damn selfish even THINKING about writing that.

Why is this so hard?

Why does it seem like that's so hard?

So impossible?

So yes, I'm exhausted tonight. I might be a little bit pms-y. And that might be making all of these things seem worse in my head...

But suddenly I'm SO frustrated. I'm SO angry. And I SO just want to scream.

How did this become my life?

Where did my life go?

Where have *I* gone?

And for that matter...who am I?

Maybe this is all I can be, and that's why I'm spinning around in circles, going nowhere because there is no where I can go. Even if I feel like there should be.

And if that's the answer..then damn..that's depressing.

And if not? Then I'm even more mad at myself than I was when I began writing this.

Dear Baby Girl

Dear Baby Girl;

Right now you are nestled inside your mom - safe and happy I'm sure, but I just wanted to let you know that we're pretty excited to meet you. We've been reading along with the baby books, learning what size of a fruit you are, what you can do now and how you're growing each week and from the beginning you have been so loved. So, SO loved.

When your mom had your brother, it seemed to take forever before he finally made his appearance into this world, but with you...it seems like just yesterday your Mom was telling me that she was pregnant. It's flown by, which means that we're just that much more excited to meet you because you're coming SO! SOON! We've really been paying attention in the last month that you're coming so soon, getting everything ready for your arrival.Washing out the baby bath tub, getting out the tummy time mats, washing little itsy bitsy baby clothes and talking about you all of the time. While we've been doing this you've made it QUITE clear that we should be spending lots of time with you, always kicking your mom, and bouncing around letting her know that even though there is so much going on - you're still there being the beautiful you that you already are.

I know it probably sounds crazy out here...between people coming and going, the zoo that this house is (that would be your four dogs, two birds and a cat) and everything else that's going on  - but I promise you that we're pretty normal and sane. At least sometimes.

Don't worry though, the house isn't actually a zoo - you might be hearing elephant and lion noises - but that's just your big brother being excited that he can make elephant and lion noises. There are no elephants and lion in your house. At least not right now. I'll show you pictures of the time when there were lions sleeping in your parents house sometime when you're older. For now you can rest assured that the only wild animals out there are just pets, though they are a wild bunch, we're sure that you'll love them bunches, eventually.

There are so many things I can't wait to do with you and tell you. I can't wait to see how much your big brother loves you, I can't wait to hold you and cuddle you, I can't wait for you to get to know everyone who loves you so much already. I can't wait for you to steal our hearts and fill our family with even more love and happiness.

I know you're enjoying playing inside your Mom's tummy, we see you playing around every night - especially if she's had a chocolate or two (you fit into our family so well already) but we're pretty excited to meet you, so if you could make an appearance in the next little while...that'd be swell.

Love your favourite auntie Erin.

PS - You're other auntie will probably try to convince you that she should be your favourite. I'm pretty okay with that since she's ACTUALLY you're aunt and I'm just your "pretend" aunt - but I'll make you a deal...I'm okay with not being your favourite...as long as you promise to love and cuddle me all of the time anyway.

PPS - Really can't wait to meet you, I promise I'll love you even if you throw up on my face. Your brother can vouch for that one.

And So It Goes..

Erin, don't forget your seatbelt! ..I tease myself, saying with a singsong laugh as I climb into my car. Not that I would forget my seatbelt...But it's a gentle reminder in the 'this is not a reminder for you' way that other occupants of the car need to remember to put on their seat belts.

I feel him watching me as I pull the seat belt over my shoulder and clip it into place, taking extra time to smooth it out and adjust it, giving him the time I know he needs. I hear him reach over his shoulder and pull his out too - snapping it into place with a click.

All set?  I ask

I suppose he replies, his thick Italian accent looming in the air.

It is then that the questions start, as he looks around him as we pull away from the red brick building filled with nurses and staff designed to take care of his ailing body, his ailing mind.

What year is it? How old am I?


It's 2012. April 2012. You're 79. You turn 80 in a few months, just after E's wedding. 

E is getting married? Who is she marrying?


She's marrying J, they live in Boston. 

My daughter is marrying a man and I haven't even met him? What is he like? How come I haven't met him?


You've met him a few times, he's nice, you like him.

I do? he asks as he sits and ponders this in silence.

A few more moments pass while he digests this information and then the next round of questions begins as we pull out of the parking lot.

Where are we going? 


To R.'s house. It's close. It's about seven minutes away. Look at the clock. We'll time it.


What place is this? he asks as he gestures around him.


As I tell him the town we're driving through, I explain that we live in Canada...

You're a Canadian citizen. You have been for 50 years. 

I have? Since then? What about Italy?


You were born in Italy, you moved here when you were in your 20's. You lived in Montreal where you met my aunt. You moved to Alberta, back to Ontario, and then to British Columbia and then back to Ontario. 12 years ago you moved to Africa where you spent your days walking along the coast of the Indian Ocean while monkeys stole bananas from your kitchen. 

I did? Really?


Really. I wouldn't lie to you. You moved back here almost three years ago. You've been back in Canada for three years. 


Am I married?


Yes, we're going to go and see your wife now. She's waiting for you.


Why didn't she come and get me?


She's sick...but she's getting better. She'll be better soon, but she really wanted to see you so we're bringing you to her.


How sick is she?


Pretty sick. She has cancer, but she's working very hard to get better. 


Is it bad cancer?


It's not good, but it's not too bad. Her doctors have high hopes that it will be completely gone when she's done chemotherapy.

He ponders this again, and sighs..unsure of what I'm telling him.


Are we in Italy? 


No. We're in Canada. 


I want to go home. How far away is Italy? Can I walk to Belluno from here? 


You can't walk from here, there is a lot of land, a whole ocean and then more land separating us from Italy.


Don't be silly, Belluno is right down this road. I've walked there a million times from here. Straight down there, not too far away at all. All of my family is there, I need to go there. I'm sure that Canada and Italy are close. I'm sure. 


They're just close in your mind because they're the places you've spent most of your life. It's not just down the road, but we can look of some pictures of Italy later, and you can call your sister.


Can I call my parents? Where are my parents? 


They died, a long time ago. They would be well over 100 if they were alive.


Are you sure? I'm sure I just saw them the other day..


No, I'm sure. I'm sorry, they died a long time ago. Before I was born.


Where are your parents?


They live on a farm not too far from here. You see them often. We go for dinner at their house and you and my Dad go for walks and sit in recliners and talk. 


We do?


Yep. You do.


Who is he married to?

I tell him my mom's name and he looks at me with questioning eyes, as I tell him that yes - those two got married.


Am I married? 


Yep, you've been married for almost 40 years. Forty years this year.


Where is my wife? 


She's at home. We're going there now. 


Is she sick?


Yes. But she's getting better.

Then he shakes his head and mutters about how he can't remember a damn thing..frustration and saddness clouding his eyes.


Am I sick?


Yes, a little. You have trouble remembering things. Your lungs are bad because you smoked for a long time. You're a diabetic. 

Will I ever get better?


With some things, maybe. You get better at remembering things if I force you to. What's your room number?

I don't know


Guess. First three numbers that come to mind.

5-3-4. 


Yep. See. You know where you live. What's the baby's name?

What baby? 


R.'s baby.. The one you say is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

Oh...him? I know him. I've always known him.


He's just little - he was born a long time after it got hard for you to remember things - but you can always remember him and his name because he's important to you. You always remember the important things - like your room number and when it's lunch time.


I didn't have any lunch. I haven't eaten in years. 


Sure you did - you have lunch every day. Three meals and three snacks - every single day.


Really?


Really.


We sit in silence as I pull the car into the driveway, having answered our usual questions in the seven minutes it takes to get from his nursing home to my cousins house. A sampling of the exact same questions that run through his head on a loop each and every day.

As we walk towards the house he stops and looks around, confused and asks...


..What year is it? How old am I? Where are we?  


I take a deep breath, smile, and take his arm as I lead him up the pathway where I tell him it's 2012 the whole year, he's turning 80 in September and that he's home with the people who love him.

An Update Of Sorts

Remember when I use to write on at least a sort of regular basis? How I enjoyed getting things off my chest. How I liked sharing everything and anything? Happy things, sad things, funny things, any sort of things? Remember when I actually could translate the neurons firing in my brain into some sort of semblance of thoughts and feelings via words?

I sit on my computer often, trying to find the words. I've now given up trying to find the right words and instead just find a jumble of nonsense, often peppered with more nonsense. I feel like my brain is broken. Like I have no ability to convey my thoughts. My fingers can't grasp the concepts my brain is trying to get across. I can't even grasp them, most times. A broken brain with no explanation is kind of frustrating. On many levels. Impossible to explain. Perhaps I just need to write the nonsense, get it out of the way and shake the rest of the cobwebs out of my head so that I can try to figure out what I'm doing.

ANYWAY. So here's what's been going on with me.

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There is no baby. Yet. Well. There is a baby. But she is firmly nestled inside of her mother and though she keeps giving us SO MANY SIGNALS that she is coming soon, she doesn't seem to ACTUALLY be coming anytime soon. Due date is literally two weeks today, but contractions generally seem to be kicking around at least once an hour, but throughout the night much more frequent yet still completely irregular and all over the map. This has been happening for a week now. My cousin is exhausted already. We're all anxiously awaiting this baby's arrival, but know that she'll come in our own sweet time, exactly when she's ready to come :)

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Cancer is a whore. Watching my SIL cry as the loss of her mother hit her almost broke my heart right in two. She is so strong. She is by far one of the strongest people I know. She gets faced with saddness, rejection and things that don't go perfectly - things that would break me without a doubt in my mind - and instead, she formulates a plan and attacks them from another angle. She is truly amazing, and the universe needs to cut her a freakin' break. Not that she would ever complain or feel like she deserves a break. But she does. She really really does. Mmmk uniiverse?

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Chemo sucks. Yes, this kind of fell into the 'Cancer is a whore' category, but that took a drastic turn down a completely unexpected topic. Brain broken, remember? Anyway. So. Watching my aunt go through chemo is one of the hardest things I've done. I hate feeling helpless. I hate BEING helpless. There is so often nothing I can do. I hate that I just have to do what I can do and try to feel like that's enough, even when I know it's not even close to enough. I hate watching her lie in pain. I hate knowing that answering the smallest of questions is physically painful. I hate that she can't eat, because there are so many problems which are all being treated to the best of the doctors abilities, yet not nearly satisfactorily in my opinion. Her stubborn nature has landed her for a few stints in the hospital for around a week each time. It's not been an easy road for anyone in that respect. It's now getting harder and harder and harder for her to 'bounce back' after a round of chemo, and it kills a little part of my soul to watch, even though I know that it's all for the purpose of working towards a goal of being cancer free. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for her, and just want to find a way to take away all of the pain and suffering.

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I'm trying to find joy in the little things. Hanging out with the babe, getting cuddles and kisses. Playing games and laughing with him. I find solace in those moments. In the ones where he blows me kisses and snuggles into my neck and falls asleep. It's hard to imagine life before him. It's hard to imagine that soon there will be another wee one who has infiltrated our hearts (and our sleep patterns). I'm trying, but some days the exhaustion just overcomes me and I don't know how I'm going to make it all work. In the end though, his sweet smile makes my day that much better. So much better.

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Work is stressing me out. And I can't even begin to describe it. I'm constantly trying to figure out my brain when it comes to work. I have no answers and am generally just frustrated. There is so much to do, and I'm fighting the urge to crawl into a rabbit hole and stay there. I love it, I really do..but man. Man. It's a constant daily struggle to stay out of bed. Bed is just easier, though in the long run..that much harder. I've been experiencing some not so pleasant side effects of the stress. Life is crazy. 

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Self reflection is hard. It's been messing with my head. Sometimes I think in a good way. Other times...I'm not so sure.

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My Mom is spiraling out of control now. Believe it or not - extreme mania seems like 'in control' now. Now she's basically rapid cycling. Flip flopping between high highs and low lows like they are nothing. She will be excited and planning a party for herself one minute, and I will leave the room. I come back three minutes later and she is sobbing inconsolably. It's a roller coaster. She is exhausted (as one would expect her to be) but she is fighting it. She'll sleep for five or six hours (quite a lot for her right now - she'd been going nights sleeping 2-3, maximum) and then she'll have a burst of energy and try to get things done. Thing is that now she's irritable, exhausted and at a breaking point. She's wound so tight she has no place to figure anything out. So she goes to work and a normal work day that would have her out of the house from 8am-3pm now has her working well into the evening, her arriving home at 7 or 8 pm is completely normal these days. Because she can't figure out what to do next, because she loses her train of thought, because she gets distracted doing something completely unrelated to her job, because she quite literally loses her way. She called me today, lost. In a very well known to her area. She couldn't figure out how to get from one location to the next, and was on the verge of tears because she just didn't know what to do anymore. She comes home even more exhausted and blames it on work stress, being unable to cope, mysterious back pains and everyone else and their lack of consideration for her. This is the time when it gets the worst. Before was nothing in comparison. Now is when the insults fly, the fights happen, the police are called and the damage is done. 

It's kind of bizarre to me that it is so  similar each and every time she has a major episode, yet she can't see or feel that she's any different than she normally is. That she can't see the pattern and know what's going to happen next - especially since we all know what's going to happen next. We can predict her behavior and generally know what's going to happen. Which might make it sound like it's easier to deal with..until you realize that for the next few weeks everything you do will be criticized and belittled, while screaming matches cause flashbacks to horrible memories of painful times, all the while knowing that at the end of this, when the dust settles and things go back to normal...she will remember virtually nothing. While trying to remember that this is not her, and it is not her fault. It's so complicated. So beyond complicated. I wish I could explain what I think/feel, but it's so damn hard, especially when you're smack dab in the middle of it. I know if anyone is reading this at least someone is probably making judgments about me or her or the situation - because that is only natural - but until you've lived it - you have no idea. The complications and the stress and the pressure and the unique circumstances. Hell, even if you'd lived it, we're all so intrinsically different that it's hard to imagine anyone's experiences ever being exactly the same. I've been lucky to find some people who understand more than a lot of people I've encountered in the past, but still...just... bizarre. I find myself alternating between having no patience and trying to be so empathetic and understanding - but failing at both. All I can say is that we may never truly know what battles and demons others are fighting. Ever. So we just have to do the best we can do and hope that's enough.

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I like popcorn. It's delicious. Until a kernel gets stuck in your teeth. Yuck.

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I sometimes feel like my life is a swirling vortex of...something. I'm not really sure what yet. I'm alternating between a million things. With each day I feel slightly more lost. I'm fine, I'm okay..but just...a little confused. Basically...I would just like for life to rewind so that I can go back to being three when everything was simple and easy and okay. That would be lovely. 

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Believe it or not - I'm actually trying to be a lot more positive. Well. Aiming to be more positive - but also aiming to rid myself of negativity. I didn't write anything negative here to TRY and be negative, I just needed to dump my brain into something and clear it before it explodes. Oddly enough, I spend a good deal of my time on the internet lately censoring myself and/or deleting things I've written because I'm so sick of my own self. 

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How come you can't you call a mulligan on life? Start over, do the things you're supposed to do right, right...and the other things...the sandpits and the waterholes...just avoid. I'm sure I'm supposed to take some grand message out of my fingers deciding to type that like "savour each moment!" "there are no mulligans so enjoy what you have" or "STOP COMPLAINING, YO!" ...But instead, I'm just going to let my fingers stop typing. Press publish without reading what I've written and send it out into the universe with a prayer for guidance, wisdom , peace and happiness on my lips. 

Perhaps if I get things out without constantly writing and pressing the delete button, it will be off my shoulders and I will be able to find my way back to where I want to be. 

Which right now is either with a large bottle of wine or my pillow.

Possibly both. 

And on that note dear Internet, I bid you farewell.

For now.

(Hopefully.)