How To Not Get Hired For A Job.

There are many ways to not get hired for a job. Someone may be a better candidate, you might not have the right training or enough experience. It could be because you're not the right fit for the job, or because your interview will be used as the example for the WORST. INTERVIEW. EVER. for years to come.

This is one of those stories.

How to NOT get the job you've applied for:

When contacted for an interview, respond that you are only available at specific times on certain days. Really show that you're not at all flexible, nor do you really care about when is convenient for anyone else except you.

When a time for an interview is (finally) agreed upon, email back and ask to change that time.

Next - show up for the interview. At the original time when you were supposed to meet - but you asked to change. Don't get out of your car even when I'm walking around doing things around you. Don't smile or make eye contact. Sit on your phone texting and smoking in your car while I greet another interviewee.

After I've taken that interviewee to fill out the pre-interview form, take your time getting out of your car. Meander over half heartedly while I'm starting to interview someone else. Look at the signs posted asking you to have a seat and fill out the pre-interview form. Before you do this you should press your face to the glass on the windows and stare in the windows as I'm interviewing someone else.

As I come to get you for your interview, hold your hand up for me to wait for you as you finish reading the page in your book. Don't worry, I have lots of time and nothing else to do today, please, finish your page and let me know when you're ready.

When I say 'Goodmorning, how're you?' reply with a curt 'Hi' and follow it up with a longer answer of 'Fine.' Don't ask how I am, smile, make eye contact or try to shake my hand when I invite you in. Instead, clutch your travel mug and look at the chair in front of you like you've never seen it before. Really glare at it. Or don't. You seem to be staring at it intently like you don't know what to do in a situation where chairs are present, but I can't really judge what your eyes are saying because you're still wearing your oversized sunglasses. Inside.

When I ask you to tell me about yourself, instead of telling me what you're doing, what you want to do or what you enjoy - tell me that you just want a job to make lots of money before you start your a real adult job. Really make me feel like you couldn't care less about the job I have open.

When I ask you about your availability - make sure to really stress that you don't want to work weekends, even though I've mentioned numerous times that they're our busiest time. Also make sure to point out the numerous times when you're going to be a scheduling nightmare because you *need* days off before you're even hired.

If I ask you if you have experience with certain things and ask you to talk about it, or tell me where you've had experience with it - stare at me with your mouth open at the audacity to ask about these things. Then, take your resume from my hand and go through it, looking at various jobs and saying "Yeah, I have cash register experience from working at.... Subway. And when I was working...at....uhhh....McDonalds" Really show that you can't even remember where you've worked before. Makes me really confident that you're not on the ball at all.

When I ask you to tell me three things I can always expect from you - tell me that you'll be on time, you'll only call in sick when you're actually sick and that you wouldn't show up to work hungover or something like that. Make sure I know that you're already thinking about calling in sick and getting drunk before work. Also - I wasn't sure - but does being REALLY hungover count as being "actually" sick?

Next - when you're invited to share some example from your own experiences, be able to come up with nothing. Even though I've given you almost 15 minutes to fill out the pre-interview form (which you have indeed filled out!) with the EXACT SAME QUESTION I just asked you on it. Have absolutely no answer until I point out that maybe you've written something down on your pre-interview form that could be used as an example.

Finally - go completely off topic from a question I have asked you and tell me that "the customer is right 95% of the time but sometimes they're bitches so you have to tell it to them like it is" while my jaw DROPS TO THE FLOOR.

Add all of these things, mix together and you have the perfect candidate for someone who I would never ever in a million years hire - which begs the question - why the HELL did you come to the interview in the first place?!

On the other hand - If you were looking to not get hired and be the worst interview I've ever had? CONGRATS! You ARE the winner - and let me tell you - I've had some doozies - but no one QUITE as *special* as you.

PS - The reasons I'm not hiring you should be pretty obvious, but I have a funny feeling that you're not going to *get* it - so just know this: It's not me...It's DEFINITELY you.