Last night I ended up in one of 'those' moods.
One where I felt so alone. So isolated. So...not okay.
I had no idea what was wrong.
Nothing. Everything. Anything.
I'd had a decent day. I got some things done. I got to hang out with The Babe and play hilarious games with him. I got to cuddle a sweet little newborn baby girl. I checked my bank account and had a substantially larger amount of money in there than I thought was there (Oh hey paycheque. You're awesome.). My aunt is officially done her last round of chemo. I had a nice lunch with what I hope might be a new friend. Things are most definitely looking up.
Yet as I stood in the kitchen doing dishes...I had to will myself not to cry, because I had nothing to cry about. Still though..I stood there with tears falling down my face, unable to stop them.
I soon went and hid in my room, thinking about everything. Thinking about nothing.
But I dragged myself up. Reached out to a lovely friend who always reaches back, who reminded me that it's okay to have days that just overwhelm you for no reason...and then I crawled into bed.
I thought I would wake up in a better mood.
But I still just wanted to crawl back into bed and hide.
For no reason at all.
Today has been..interesting. In the 'why is life so complicated' and the 'BLARRG' and the 'I needed to get a lot more done than I did' way - which is just adding to the stress and anxiety. When I should be feeling anything but. I feel like I should be feeling certain things...and am mad at myself for not. Why do I feel like I have to feel certain things? Why can't I just own my feelings and deal with them instead of being upset about them? I'm just tired and worn out. I'm just..spent. Already. It's April and I feel like I don't know how I'm going to survive the next few months.
So I've decided to just try and chip away at the things that need to be done. To try and keep muddling through life, whatever it may be. Daydreaming as I watch the world get more and more green outside the window as the cold wind whips through the trees. I will stay wrapped in a quilt my grandmother made years ago, trying to soak up some warmth along with a little love and wisdom she always seemed to have extra of.
While the puppy naps on my feet I'm okay with wrapping myself in something she spent so much time pouring her time into always helps to make me feel a little more loved, like I might make it through this life thing...eventually.
Even if I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing.
And all I want to do today is just want to curl into a ball and cry.