Logic = Awesome

My brother has had a best friend since they were in diapers.

When we moved out to the farm, my parents somehow discovered that there was a family with three boys living on a farm not too far away - and so began their friendship.

They toddled around the farm(s) in their diapers, quickly going through the stages of boyhood - both freakishly similar - yet distinctly different.

Both quiet, shy and introverted - neither would speak at the others house - but still, they communicated with each other. Both mothers weren't sure that the other one spoke - and as they grew older - they only heard muffled whispers of boys being boys through bedroom doors - when one mother would ask a question at her house, her son would answer - and the other would not speak but her son would know what the other would want.

"No, he doesn't want orange juice. He only likes apple"

"He needs a bandaid because he has a sliver in his finger"

..And so it went on..they started school in the same class but had to be seperated because they would only speak to each other - and would take turns speaking for each other, much to the teachers frustrations.

Now though - it's 20 years later, and I'm happy to report that they do speak.

Well.

Kind of.

I'm considering trying to apply for some research money to study their dialect - because it's unlike anything else that I've ever heard before

It's a lot of mumbling.

And they barely open their mouths.

There are no words ACTUALLY formed when they talk to each other - but they understand each other.

One day L called my brother and I heard one side of the conversation that went like this:

"Hhh"

"kkkwwwmm"

"mmoofff"

"kkssttt"

And then he hung up the phone, and walked away.

While I sat there going "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT"

And my Dad looked at me and was like "He said hey, asked which movie they were to, said he'd meet him out front and said he'd see him then"

And I was like  HUH? While crickets echoed in the background.

To this day - I cannot understand them when they're talking to each other. I can barely understand them when they're talking to ME. They grunt, mumble and slur their words together as if they're drunk when they're stone cold sober. They'll have entire conversations in front of people and people just look at them questioningly wondering where we hire our migrant workers from, because they're not speaking anything they've heard before.

Basically, they're probably adopted and speaking Russian. Or they're ALIENS.

Logical answer? Found.

Wherein I am Grateful

In light of days where things in life just feel like nothing is okay, that everything is just...falling apart..I'm trying to focus on more positive things.

Like what I'm grateful for.

Because I'm grateful for a lot of things.

Like my family. They may drive me crazy sometimes..but they're mine. They love me unconditionally, push me when I need to be pushed and catch me when I fall. They're exactly what I need - even when I don't know what it is that I need.

Or my friends - I have these amazing girlfriends who would do anything for me. Yes, we're split up and all over the country - but when it comes down to it..they'd pretty much actually do anything I ever asked them to. And if I show up on their doorstep, they don't question it - even if it was a random multi-hour drive. They just usher me in. Grab us each a glass of wine and ask what's up. And then we chat until we can't stay awake anymore and food appears and suddenly life doesn't seem so bad.

And don't even get me started on my twitter friends. Holy CRAP, they're awesome. They're all people I feel like I've known forever. They get me, and I get them. We can have these super serious conversations where we discuss life and religion and all of this other stuff - and then start talking about goats, bacon, wedding china or our own narcissistic awesomeness..and it just makes my day SO MUCH BETTER.

The people in my life are so amazing. Seriously. I don't even know how to describe it...and I just really need to appreciate them more. Let them know how grateful I am for them..and cherish every moment. As corny as it may be.

So if you're reading this? If you've kept me sane in the last few weeks/months/whatever? If you care even the slightest amount and have never even spoken to me?

Thank you. You should know that by being here..regardless...you mean the world to me.

For real.

Like so much so - that I'll probably even share my pudding with you.

(That means I love you, a lot - in Erin)

The Debt Ceiling.

So...not to try and make light of this...

But..

You know.



Sometimes you've just gotta rap about something to know how serious the issue really is.

PS - I'm actually terrified more than you'll ever know about this whole issue. But that another story for another day.

There Will Be An Answer...Let It Be..

Dear friend,

It has been a few days now since you died, and I still don't believe it.

I think the biggest reason I don't believe it is because it had been a while since our last chat - so it just kind of feels like it can't be true. I just haven't spoken to you in a while - I can call you, message you or see you whenever I want. That's what my brain keeps telling myself.

It's hard for me to believe you're gone for so many reasons. Because you were always so full of life. I can remember only a couple of times when you weren't smiling or laughing and making everyone around you smile and laugh. Once when we had a silly fight over something ridiculous, and once when your dog was dying. Both times though - you always just snapped back into being this happy, full of life guy who LIVED with all of his heart and soul. You always told me that life was too short to waste - and the impact of that statement now renders me a babbling wreck.

I know your life wasn't always easy, and I know that you had your fair share of heartache, sorrow and pain - but you always just smiled through it. You knew how precious life was - so instead of being down, negative or sad - when you had EVERY right to want to do just that - you always took the high road. Your love for life was infectious. About as infectious as your laugh. Once you started - everyone around you would be laughing in no time. There were so many amazing things that you gave to the world, just by being you. Luckily your atrocious spelling was about the only thing about you not contagious. - but that's a completely different story.

I've spent more time in the last week walking down memory lane than I have in a long time. I pulled out yearbooks where you took up pages writing the most ridiculous things - just to make me smile. Photo albums filled with photos of you being silly and crazy. Photos with balloons up your shirt for boobs, or  of you wearing flambouyant pink cowboy hat - just because you found it in someones attic. Photos from when we went to Washington, photos from birthday parties, and bars and house parties and cottages. I even found old notes we wrote each other during highschool (when I'm sure we were supposed to be doing something to do with school..) about the most insane things. Why I even still have them..I have NO idea - but I do, and I'm glad - because they're a part of you, and even though we'd gone down different paths (as people tend to do when they grow up...) I miss you.

A lot.

And I know that I'm going to miss you, forever.

Who is going to sign into msn and tell me that I couldn't be more gorgeous if I tried and to stop rolling my eyes because he could feel me doing it?

Who is going to tell me about a new wine he tried that I just HAVE to try because he knows I'll love it.

Who is going to reassure me that even when life seems like it'll never get any better...that it always works out?

Who is going to run into me at a bar and have a spontaneous dance party in celebration? Or accidentally kiss me on my parents deck - which I'm still not even sure how that happened. Who will tell me I smell like christmas and awesome when I wear a certain perfume? Who will laugh at my bad jokes, or turn a bright shade of red when I tell everyone how you and your neighbour were convinced that tampons you found were nerf darts. And then you had a tampon war with your neighbour until your moms clued you in. When you were 13.

I've laughed and smiled and cried so many times thinking about you and how much the world is missing out right now.

How many things you never got to do that I wish you could have done. I wish you'd gone to all of the places you talked about going. I wish you were able to meet your first niece or nephew that will be born in a few months. I wish you could have gotten married and had the family you so desperately wanted. I wish you'd done all of the things you wanted to do. I wish that life wasn't so damn unfair.

I'm so sad that I couldn't come to say goodbye this weekend. It broke my heart more than you'll ever know. But I also know that going would have broken my heart just as much - because that would be admitting that you're really gone. And typing that makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world forever - but you wouldn't want that. You would have wanted me to go to the wedding and dance. And laugh. And you probably would have been pissed that my neckline was high - but you would have told me I was beautiful anyway. So I went. And though you never fully left my thoughts - I made it through knowing that the last thing you would want is for anyone to be sad that you were gone. In fact, I know this - because you said in your will that no one was allowed to cry at your service. That you wanted only happy music. Lots of pictures, and for people to share stories of the good times - except for the REALLY embarrassing things.

I'm heartbroken that you're gone.

You were truly unique. One of the kind. A rare breed.

People always remember the good once someone is gone - but with you - there is really nothing but good to remember. The first thing my SIL said to me when she heard you had died - was that you were such an amazing guy, and no one could ever say anything bad about you. And as the days go on, and stories are told and retold around facebook - I know that it's true. You managed to be friends with everyone. People from all different walks of life - from all different social groups, are telling and retelling stories on facebook. They're all dragging out photos. We're all laughing, remembering and crying - together.

I'm trying to be strong. I really really am.

I'm trying to remember the good times. To not feel guilty about the times missed. To smile when I think about you.

But still - I don't really believe that you're gone.

I don't want to believe it.

I want you to come back to the people who love you. Who miss you. Who are yearning for one more smile. One more laugh. One more ridiculous comment that makes you shake your head and smile.

I've found myself lying awake thinking about you, crying, refusing to believe it - but knowing in my heart that it's true - you're gone, but wanting to do anything to make it not true. It makes me want to scream, to throw things, to hide from the world forever...But I'm trying to pull myself up. I'm trying so damn hard not to let myself wallow - because if there is anything you'd hate - it would be people not truly living the lives they're supposed to live because they're too busy being sad over something they can't control.

So instead of crying in my room and wallowing that you're gone - I'm choosing to live.

To make the best of the time I have.

However long or short it may be.

To smile, to laugh, to dance.

To reconnect with people I love. To say I love you more often. To appreciate the things and people that are in my life.

Though you are gone and my heart wants to break - I'm not going to let it.

Don't get me wrong - I'll always miss you. I'll always be sad that you're not here - but I will keep you in my heart and to my best to live with everything I have, as often as humanly possible. If I can't rewind the hands of time, go back, spend more time, have some more laughs or have one more dance with you - I'll do my best to live for you. To embody your spirit and nature. To live with everything I have, because that's what you always told me to do - and for once...I'm listening. Loud and clear.

Love always & forever.

Me.

The Things You Learn At Weddings..

I've had a crazy weekend filled with oh so much wedding schtuff..

Every wedding that I'm in - I learn different things. I learn what I would do in my own wedding. I learn what I wouldn't do, I learn that people are CRAZY.

Here are a few things I've learned at THIS weekends wedding:

*You can't expect four sisters to get along all of the time. Or even most of the time. Especially when they're all super opinionated and picky about how they like things done. There will be fighting. And tears. Rinse, lather and repeat. Often.

*You can't make four sisters put aside their differences for one sisters wedding. Don't even bother trying.

*Be prepared to be stared at if the bride needs to go pee in a doughnut shop on the way to the church.

*Groomsmen can be sketchy. Really, really sketchy.

*You can pierce your own ears the morning of the wedding because the bride REALLY wants you to wear the earrings she bought you.

*You can't fix everything. End of story. Some drama is beyond help. Forget about it. Move on..and just be thankful that the crazy is over.

*Also learnt that my pain tolerance is higher than even I thought it was. Ear piercing? 250+ pound guy jumping on my foot? No worries. Totally got it under control. So childbirth? Bring. It. (But not really. Totally joking. OWWWW.)

*Mothers of the bride and groom need to have their alcohol intake SEVERELY limited if they don't like each other. For real.

*The bridesmaid who HAD to wear the biggest heels (that you warned her about wearing) will complain the entire time they're on her feet.

*Keep everyone hydrated. It's already a long, busy day - people passing out is not good.

*Be grateful for your family. They may be crazy - But a crazy you know is better than...well...a lot of other crazy out there.

*Sometimes it's okay to go out to a bar after a wedding is over. Shots help your nerves.

And finally..

*Shots do NOT help a hangover. Even if you convince yourself they will counteract everything you already drank to justify why you're doing shots. At a bar. After drinking way too much wine. After you JUST left a wedding...the hangover will still suck. For real.




Pee-Ess. Photos coming latah! And possibly even photos of the wedding BEFORE that too. I promise. Maybe. 

A Dose Of Perspective.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a roller coaster. It's filled with ups, downs, twists and turns.

I assume this is what everyones life is like.

Lately it feels like every time I turn around...I'm being thrown to the ground so that someone can walk all over me. While laughing.

But I'm still getting up. Dusting myself off. Trying to keep going.

Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing - and I answered 'Surviving' - and while that may be true..when I stopped to think about it..that's the furthest thing from the answer I should be giving. That I *want* to be giving.

Especially knowing what I know, being where I am.

I've watched way too many people die far too young to be sitting here moaning and complaining.

I've lost too many people to take my life for granted.

But still - I do. And I do and I do and I do.

I woke up this morning, determined to change my perspective.

Is it going to be easy?

Hell no.

Is it going to be fun?

Probably not all of the time.

Is it necessary?

Without a doubt.

There are so many things that I want to do, need to do, would love to do - and me sitting around crying, wishing, dreaming, hoping - it's not going to get me there.

Doing things will get me there.

Going out and actively making changes so that I can be the person mind, body and soul that I want to be will get me there.

Sitting in my room, lying in my bed, thinking about the past, thinking about the things I want out of life - that's insane. Sitting and wishing things were different when I could jump up and make them different if I really wanted to? That's crazy talk. Except it's not. Because it needs to happen.

This change needs to take place.

A shift is in order.

Two years ago I was lying on a beach in Greece.

Two years ago I was finishing up a year in Europe.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself that just because I was coming home, didn't mean I was allowed to sink back into old bad habits.

For a while - I did really well.

I kicked some negative people in my life to the curb.

I spent more time with family.

I made changes in the person I wanted to be.

I was hell bent on being the person I wanted to be.

And I was on the path to being the person I wanted to be.

Somewhere along the line I got derailed again though. I lost my focus, my purpose, my determination.

I let life get me down. I broke down and let myself slip a little. And that slip led to a little slide, and that slide ended me at the bottom of a pit of blah.

I became wrapped up in nothing, yet again.

Negative thoughts surrounded me constantly.

I've spent more time lying in bed staring at my ceiling, with tears streaming down my face..then I ever want to admit in the last year, year and a half.

I've let some opportunities, friendships and experiences pass me by.

I've become so encased in my own petty insignificant issues - that I've failed to see the bigger picture, what's right in front of me...and that frustrates and disgusts me more than anything.

Because life is short.

Too effing short.

And it's not always or even often easy.

But it's life.

And we're here - love it, like it or hate it - we're here.

So we've just gotta make the best out of it.

Smile when you're happy. Cry when you're sad. And remember to be grateful for what you have, instead of focusing on how much life sucks.

That's the opposite of what I've been doing. I've been crying when I'm sad - and miserable instead of grateful. I've failed to see the bigger picture - and just keep being miserable. I've been focusing on the negatives and failing to take joy in anything else.

So, I need to actively make decisions that will bring me more happy days than sad.

That will fill my life with more joy than sorrow.

So that when the sorrow comes along (and it will) - I'll have more happiness to hold on to. To move back towards.

Corny? Yes. Sappy? Yes. A little too simple for our brains that like to over complicated things? Definitely.

But perspective has made me realise that I need to do this.

I need to make better choices to change my life.

I need to appreciate the things I have.

I need to live my life actively, instead of passively.

I need to enjoy more, complain less and make an effort to be the person I want to be - because I'm the only one who can do that.

I need to live with every ounce of my being.

I need to hug people more, tell them I love them and make life worth living again.

Because life is too unpredictable.

And no matter what way you spin it, at the end of the day...life is way too short, and goes by way too fast to not be the person I want to be.

So project 'Live the life you want to live' (Also know as 'Don't be a dumbass, stupid.') is starting now. Right now.

I don't expect changing my perspective to change over night. It's not going to be easy, and it's not always going to be fun. I'm going to run into more roadblocks then I'm used to facing - because most times..I take the easy way out and want to quit instead of failing. And I hope that I can count on you guys to kick my ass if or when I start to derail. Because I'm probably going to need it. You know - it being a gentle reminder, a swift kick or a link back here - whatever it takes.

If nothing else - you've gotta stick around for that. Getting to kick me WITH PERMISSION? That's pretty much awesome.

...And I'm questioning my sanity already.

Happy Friday :)

Only The Good Die Young..

This morning I got up with the intention of writing here. I had it all planned out in my head - I was going to bring happy and fun and carefree back to my blog. I had photos. I had stories. I had sarcastic comments...it was going to be EPIC.

Then - in the midst of doing that...I got word that a guy who was one of my good friends in highschool just died.

And now I'm sitting here crying.

I just dragged out all of my yearbooks and am reading the silly, funny, lovely things he wrote.

Laughing over photos.

Reading notes we use to pass each other when our teachers weren't looking that I'd completely forgotten about that live in a shoebox in a dark dusty corner of my closet that I found while digging around for photo albums from highschool.

Crying and wishing we'd kept in touch more then the odd conversation every few months over the last few years.

They say bad news comes in threes - and this has got to count as number three.

Because my SIL's mother having to have brain surgery and being given a prognosis that's awful? That's shitty. A girl from my small town highschool being murdered last week? Also shitty - and this..a guy who embodied the meaning of life. Who was always so full of laughter and smiles? Who you could NEVER say a bad thing about having a seizure and dying suddenly? That is just unfair. That is just the shit cherry on the shit cake.

So Universe - if you happen to see this?

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of bad news.

I'm sick of crying.

I'm sick of having to try and convince myself that this must all just be some messed up weird dream - because none of these things could have happened, have happened, are happening. I'm sick of trying to convince myself that life has to get better, be better..than this.

Because it is. It really is. It's got to be.

But still..right now? It kinda sucks.

A lot.

Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lie in my bed.

I've known for a while that my SIL's mother is very sick, that she's dying. Between being good friends with my SIL, and my mother being her mothers nurse - you kind of get the picture, and I've known for a while now that her getting better was not going to happen.

It's still a shock though - to be faced with such a visible cruelty. 

Especially when I saw her last weekend - her normal self. Walking around at the farmers market, making jokes and throwing around sarcastic comments and laughing.

To know that someone you know and love - someone who is a part of your life..is slipping away.

It is a strange reality to be faced with. The knowledge of death coming - instead of it being a sudden and shocking incident - no matter which way you spin it - it doesn't make it any easier.  As you may know - despite death showing it's ugly face in my life - I don't deal well with it.  It's hard, and I just..hate it. Knowing that it's coming? Is it any better than it being sudden and shocking? I don't know. 

It doesn't make holding my sister in law while she sobs better.

Or knowing that you have to watch someone you love lose someone they love. 

It makes you feel helpless as hell that you can't do anything.

It makes you want to scream that it's just not fair. That she'll miss too much. That there are so many things that she should get to do, to see, to have. 

It makes you worry - because your SIL's mother watched her mother go through this exact same thing. At the same age. And you wonder - when will this horrible cycle of disease be stopped? 

It makes you want to scream. To cry. To invest in a magic wand. 

It makes you grateful for the things you have.

..Even if you have to be grateful while trying not to cry. 

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

Sometimes...I really am convinced that life sucks the epitome of suckage.

Days like today, when I'm CONVINCED that I'm going to have a good day. Then someone drops a bombshell on you that your SIL's (who your pretty darn close with..and would consider one of your good friends..) mother has been taken to Toronto for brain surgery and you're all WHAT. THE. HELL.

So then you're sitting in a kitchen at work ugly crying and trying to freeze fruit while trying to hide your sobs from customers.

Where you question how someone could be struck so many times with cancer. As soon as she's got one under control - another appears. For someone to watch grandparents, parents and siblings be taken by cancer - and then to beat breast cancer - twice? Only to be struck down with lung cancer - TWICE. And then to top it off - while you're dying with that - have completely unrelated brain cancer appear? What the HELL is that universe? Her plate of shit to deal with isn't enough? Really? Throw in a freaking brain tumor too?

So I sat and cried for a while.

Because that's what I do when shitty things happen.

I'm emotional. I know it. I'm a crier. It happens. I take after the women in my mom's family and cry like a baby at the drop of a hat.

But still...when it all boils down to it...it just...sucks.

Because as much as mothers can drive you crazy..

And as much as I'm pretty convinced that all mothers have signed a document while giving birth that says they must do everything in their power to confuse you and nag you and worry about you and oh yeah...DRIVE YOU CRAZY...

..They're still your mom.

And as much as my mom may drive me crazy...I love her. To bits. She's my mom. I know I can get mad and frustrated and take it out on her..and she'll still love me. I know that I can go to talk to her about anything..and she'll listen. I know that even when she's driving me crazy...there are good intentions in there driving the crazy. And I just can't imagine my life without having that constant in it to help me try and figure out this crazy world called life.

So when someone else I loves mom is sick?

It makes me sad.

It makes me really really sad.

It makes me so angry I could scream at the injustice.

It makes me want to punch the world in the junk for being such a jerk.

It makes me question things I believed in. It makes me questions things I want. It makes me question what the hell we're all doing here.

It makes me want to go back to a time before I knew that pain, suffering and disappointment existed.

It makes me want to curl up into a little ball and pretend the world isn't so shitty.

It makes me want to wave my magic wand and make it better.

It makes me cry.

So cancer? I hope you rot in h-e-double hockey sticks.

Exhaustion

I feel like shit.

I'm exhausted.

I'm beyond my breaking point.

My stomach is constantly in pain.

I consistently get so angry and frustrated that I can't stop shaking.

I spend my mornings throwing up, or dry heaving.

I have zero energy.

I muster everything I can to try and put on a happy face..

Only to face a day where I get virtually nothing done - except dealing with petty, stupid, insignificant problems that I shouldn't have to deal with..

And then I walk in the door and I lose it.

I take out my frustrations on everyone around me.

I collapse into a puddle and cry.

I zombie on twitter.

I melt into bed.

A few restless hours of sleep...and I do it all again.

I am so tired of being screwed over.

I'm so tired of feeling like shit.

I'm tired of complaining.

I'm tired of being on this round about where in the end, I just end up angry at myself.

I'm just..tired.

Ghetto is the new awesome.

While we're always finding new things to invest in, and new things to buy - farm life means that you can basically always find a use for things. There is virtually always something that you can do with something that's old and seems useless.

While it may seem pack-ratty to you - we use everything until it literally breaks in half. Or is sawed in half. Or is held together by elastic bands.

You see - we stretch everything..we make it work, and pull it together.

Okay - so not so much ME - as the guys. The guys are good at these things.

I'm usually just the one that's aiding in the destruction.

I DIGRESS.

So - we've got some ghetto things going on.

Like this van. We've got this van that I swear is thirty+ years old. It's been on its last legs since *I* was a kid. But it's still going.

Sure, you've gotta open the trunk with a wrench. And if the window is rolled up, you have to open the drivers door from the inside through the passenger door. And don't even think about taking the key out of the ignition..that thing STAYS there..it does not leave..because once it leaves..it's not going back.

But other than that - it's a PERFECTLY usable vehicle.

As long as you can sing along to the engine (it's too loud to hear the radio - which I'm not even sure plays anymore) and you don't mind the seat a little bit wet after it rains because the windows don't really close so well. I like to think that the wet seats replace the airconditioning that no longer works - it's VERSATILE, that vehicle. It adapts to it's new environment and makes changes so that everyones needs are met.

So really - not so much ghetto as GENIUS.

Then we have an old OMRON cash register. This thing is probably out of the 70's - maybe even the 60's. It still works. It's tempremental as a pregnant woman in her third trimester in August - but she works. Sometimes she'll ring in things when you're not looking - causing your jaw to drop as a subtotal comes to thousands of dollars - but most days..she's pretty alright.

Except that she's had to have a few surgeries. Sometimes you've got to give her time to warm up in the morning with a few brief transactions, before she can really handle a crowd. And don't think about hooking up a scale to her anymore - she's all - I'm too told to cohabitate - I blow up stuff if you attach it to me - I'm old and unpredictable - let me be.

But other than that...and..you know... the elastics that hold her insides together - that have to be replaced on occasion..she's fine. She's making it just okay. We only pull her out for special occassions or when someone else breaks - but she's old faithful - always in the back waiting to jump in when one of the younger flashier models gets moody and has their time of the month and she's all "I USE TO WALK TO SCHOOL IN THE SNOW. UPHILL. BOTH WAYS." and gets 'er done.

Finally (for this edition of Ghetto Farm, anyway) we have my brothers first dirt bike.

Which is literally..his bike. That's covered in dirt.

Okay. That's a lie. It's MY bike - that's covered in dirt.

My bike that was cut in half by my darling brother. Who then took apart a lawn mower..and attached the motor to *my* bicycle.

And then attached the whole thing back together (he was like, ten - before he was old enough to buy his first dirt bike - that came a couple of years after this..)

So it's a little bit of a ghetto lawnmower bike.

And by ghetto I do mean awesome.

And by awesome I do mean a deathtrap.

And by death trap I do mean...it starts when you pulled the pull cord on the lawn mower. And doesn't so much STOP - because he had to take off the pedals to put in the motor, and thus the breaks..to fit on the motor. And even if he did have breaks..there was no way to switch gears on a lawn mower...and you lawn mowers have way more power than you think - you can't just stop a lawn mower on a bike with regular breaks - you'd break your noggin. For real. So to break..you mostly just had to ride around until you're going to pass by something soft-esk...and then tuck and roll. And then you'd have to run back to find the bike-lawn mower that had fallen to the ground and was still running, and turn the motor off....or else get back on..and do it all over again.

Basically...we can't get cable and just got off of dialup internet a couple years ago.

..Pretty sure that's all the explanation need for our level of *cough* awesome.

Farm From The Phone

I've been snapping the odd picture here or there from my phone as the days go on...half with the intention of sharing them, half because I love photos..and half to remind me that I live in a really beautiful place. And of course another half to tease all those lovlies that are trying to stalk me...via photo. 

Yeah. Four halves. NOT QUARTERS. Halves. That's how I roll.

Anyway - Here are the things that I've been looking at in the last week...

Roses on the trellis

The poppies are up too..

Pretty sure we're growing tomatoes. FOR GIANTS. There are supposed to be rows in that tunnel. I swear. 

Beans and peas are coming along..

One of the fields of strawberries!

People out picking on a Monday morning..

Sometimes we pick a few strawberries...

At market, at market...

This little monster goes NOM NOM NOM whenever he sees a strawberry.
Literally. Outloud -.NOM NOM NOM

I Hate People. They're So Stupid It Hurts.

My staff has been driving me CRAZY this last week.

I don't know if it's because today is my first day off in a good month (of days working basically 12-20 hours a day), or if it's just because they're STUPID...but I'm at the point where I just want to punch them all (with the exception of like, two of them. Maybe.) in the face.

Right in the face.

I wish I were joking.

What have I dealt with this week?

Oh. Here you go:

Situation Number One

This was a staff member texting me Saturday afternoon. While she was at work. TEXT MESSAGING IS NOT ALLOWED AT WORK, YO.

Hey. So I want Sunday off. I've been working a lot. I really need a day off


In my head...You work a part time job during the week. Where you work 11-3 each day. You told me you wanted to work weekends. Every weekend. I've double checked with you FOUR TIMES to make sure that you could work this weekend. But you're telling me RIGHT NOW that you want TOMORROW off? Like, the shift that starts in 17 hours? 

But I didn't respond, because I was all..WHAT. THE. HELL. Plus. Hello. I was *actually* working.

When I didn't immediately respond...she was like

I really need the day off because my family is having a get together thing.

I didn't respond. Because at this point..who the hell would I get to work.

THEN..she sent me ANOTHER text message that said that she needed the day off to get her car fixed.

WHAT GARAGE IS OPEN ON A SUNDAY OF A LONG WEEKEND TO DO ROUTINE WORK ON VEHICLES?!

Oh. And then to top it all off. She ARRANGED, and drove someone ELSE to work for her when I told her I needed her still. Someone who I didn't want working because they're an even bigger fuckup than she is. And they didn't tell anyone of this until they'd already arranged it and it was done.

You give me three excuses as to why you REALLY can't work - all of them shitty and stupid and transparent, why wouldn't you just stick to one thing? And then I find out through your crappy security settings on FACEBOOK the REAL reason you wanted the day off? What's that again? You're going out to the bar on Saturday night. RIGHT.

Guess who isn't working anymore? EITHER OF THEM.

_____________________________________________

Situation number two

It was a fairly busy weekend..but that means that we keep displays even fuller and more attractive, especially so we don't have to replenish as much.

I walk into one store after having started work at 5am, and the displays look like SHIT. There is virtually nothing out, and the two girls working are standing in the kitchen. Just standing there. When they need to restock EVERYTHING. So I bang around, slamming doors (because there are no customers in the store) and I fill up EVERY. SINGLE. DISPLAY. In LESS than ten minutes. And then I look at them at say "This is what this display should look like. This is what THIS display should look like. This is what THIS display should look like." - They sat there and WATCHED me do their work, work they KNEW how to do and what to do..and then had the audacity to ask my SIL why I was upset with them after I told them that they needed to stop dicking around. When I walked in to see a store I've worked SO HARD to build up and keep going looking like absolute SHIT...I get a little angry.

And then I told them to fill up the baking displays, and I came back an hour later and it STILL wasn't done. And so I freaked out and told them that they needed to get it done, ASAP - because the fact that it was an hour later, was just absurd. They had one cash register being used - which means that the other person NOT on cash, can be displaying, stocking and helping customers. Since customers seemed lost and not helped - I could only assume that they were displaying and stocking things. Except ALL OF THE DISPLAYS WERE EMPTY AGAIN.

So I told the one girl to fill up the tarts and baked goods, while I re-stocked everything else. AGAIN.

A few minutes later she looked at me..and was like..umm..do we have raisin tarts to sell?

And I was all "What does that box you're holding say?"

And she was all "Raisin tarts"

And I was all...Yeah...I GUESS SO THEN.

And went back to fixing up their crappy ass excuses for displays. Again.

Oh. And guess what? This happened TWICE. Like. This exact same situation with holding tarts and wondering if we had any of the kind that was being held. BY THE SAME GIRL. She did it on Saturday AND Monday. Umm...SERIOUSLY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

_________________________________________________________

Situation number three.

It's six am. I'm barely awake. I'm setting up tents, tables and displays at a farmers market...trying to mentally prep myself for what I know is going to be a long day.

I'm glancing at the time, because WTF - Two of my girls are late. One finally shows up, apologizing profusely for being five minutes late. I get over it - I don't have time for this.

Then. I look up to see the father of one of the girls I have working.

I look around him to try and see his daughter, who he or his wife drop off for work.

Nada.

I look at him with questioning eyes and he's all "Yeah...Jessica can't come this morning...so I'm going to work for her instead"

.....WHAT...THE...HELL.

And then I stand there.

Staring at him.

Wondering if he's serious.

Spoiler? HE WAS.

My hands were tied. It's the DAY OF.

I'm already SUPER short staffed.

What am I supposed to do?

He tries to spout off about how she was at a party, and now she has a really bad sunburn.

That's why she can't come to work.

And I'm all...DUDE...I HAVE HAD WAY BETTER EXCUSES THAN THAT AND STILL SHOWN UP FOR WORK...THIS IS NOT OKAY.

And then he tries to tell me that she was SO UPSET when she got home from this party and she was CRYING and she was REALLY REALLY upset...so that's when they decided that HE would work FOR her today...and then he was like..she was just REALLY worried that if she called you and told you she couldn't work when she got home at like, midnight, that you'd fire her.

(A - I would have fired her for calling me at midnight. Because HELLO - sleep is awesome. B - WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET YOUR KID GO TO A PARTY THE NIGHT BEFORE THEY HAVE TO WORK AT 6AM???? Being responsible? Holding your kids accountable? TEACHING THEM THAT ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES? That means NOTHING? REALLY? And it's not even like your kid DRIVES - They would have had to be driven by YOU to this party. Which means that YOU endorsed this.)

So now she's SUPER worried that she'll get canned from a job that she doesn't want that her parents made her get, that I only hired her for because I felt like I HAD to...and now you're sending your DAD to work for you?

BECAUSE THAT'S OKAY AND/OR NORMAL.

Teaching your kids that they can do whatever the hell they want...is that REALLY what our society has come to? I can screw up, doesn't matter..someone will still do my work for me and I'll get a paycheque at the end of the day. I can go out with my friends and do whatever I want..I'm a pretty little princess who can never do anything wrong...la la la...and it's not even like BEFORE this she was GOOD at her job..I was doing her family a FAVOUR by giving her two shifts a week, and being miserable THROUGH the two shifts a week..because she SUCKS AT THIS JOB.

Guess what princess? Even if you think you CAN'T get fired because we feel obligated to keep you around?

..You're no longer being given any shifts.

This is the third time you've burned me...and you've only worked five days.

Soooo...I'm done.

________________________________

All of this happened on Saturday. Within ONE day. Well. The tart thing happened on Saturday AND Monday. But it originally happened on Saturday.

Which is a fair glimpse into what I deal with on a daily basis.

Between a million other idiotic things I'm forced to deal with..I'm pretty ready to crawl into a hole and die.

Or punch someone.

I'm pretty game for either right about now.

A Thousand Words.

They (whoever THEY are) say that a picture says a thousand words.

So below I'm going to show you a picture of yours truly. One THOUSAND WORDS - to make up for my supreme amount of shitastic blogging abilities lately.

It's not pretty. It's not glamorous. It's not even really FUN - or FUNNY.

(Lame, I know.)

But it's me. A typical me.

...In mid to late strawberry season.

When I haven't had a day off in weeks (a month?) and I'm just...burning out.

I look like shit. I feel like shit. And people make me question why the hell I bother doing this when they treat me like crap and constantly try to throw me under the bus.

But I'm still smiling.

Kind of...maybe...a little bit. Hopefully.

..Anyway.

Here goes:

This is what I really look like this time of year. 

No makeup. Hair all messy and crazy. Always at work, somewhere. 

Except I don't have arrows all over my face.

..I don't think. Unless my sister-in-law has been drawing on my face while I'm not looking. 

Again.