So while it's making me want to scream and run the other way to think about going through with posting this..AGAIN...I want it to be out there, to say hey, I get it too - you can talk to me about it. Furthermore, I want people to be able to understand a little bit better of how my brain works...so that maybe they can understand a little bit more what's going through my head when I seem to be so negative on myself. I feel like there are a lot of people that just..don't get it. They don't understand how I can have so much hatred and negative feelings toward myself..and it just seems absurd to them...which as much as I get...it's hard for me to have people who think that I've DECIDED to be this way, to think this way. As if could just CHANGE my mind on these things if I REALLY wanted to. Trust me, I would in a HEARTBEAT if I could..but these things are so much a part of me, that they feel like they're as changable as my skin colour or my gender. Lastly, I hope that by owning this post..and owning up to it...it will help me to grow and change into the person I want to be. You gotta dream it to believe it..or something like that.
So, without further ado...I give you my thoughts oh myself. They're not pretty, or fun or happy...but they're what's in this ridiculous head of mine..and that's all I can give you right now.
This is a topic that has been sitting in my drafts folder for weeks. Months, if I'm being honest.
Something that I can't get out of my head - yet something that I don't want to write down.
It plagues me like a sickness. It haunts me everywhere.
I feel like anytime something isn't right, anytime something is wrong - it's because of it.
It being that I hate photographs of myself. (Getting the courage to post those took days. And I still fear them being out there. I thought I was making such progress. Yet, it takes everything I have right now to not run and delete those. Seriously.) So much so that I dread avatars. Display pictures. All of those things where I have to try and find the least horrendous photo of myself. Not a good one. Just one that might be the lesser of the evils. Whatever that may be.
Either way. I hate, despise, want to burn pictures of me. I just have a general sort of hatred for photos of myself.
To the nth degree.
They make me cringe, cry and fall into a deep pit of despair.
It's not just photographs though..it's everything. It's having to look in the mirror, it's catching my reflection in a window - it's seeing so many other beautiful people around me when I feel so ugly.
I hate it all. Because it's just a constant reminder of what I'm not. Of what I wished I was. It's a reminder of being ugly.
And I hate it.
I hate HATING my looks and my body almost as much as I actually hate my looks and my body.
I hate that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and that I'm always comparing myself to everyone and anyone around me...and I hate that it makes me so miserable. Because really? SO WHAT. So I'm not pretty - let alone gorgeous - is that really what I want to be known for? Is it THAT important in the grand scheme of things? Is that really what DEFINES me? Is it what I WANT to define me? Of course not. But I still want it - some part of me is ingrained to want it. To yearn for it. To desire it more than a lot of things...in spite of how shallow it makes me sound.
Then today? Today, I read a post - on one of my favourite websites.
About how hard women are on themselves.
And how this collective group of women were taking back their photos. They were posting photos of themselves with what they thought were their flaws - and everyone would post back with their interpretation of the photo.
And what happened next..was an outpouring of beautiful women, posting beautiful photos...and then the beautiful women sharing the beauty they saw in the photos.
I commented on every single one of them throughout the day. Because there was so much beauty in each one that could not be denied - it simply was.
It took all of the courage I could build up to post one of myself...but I did it.
It took more then all of the courage I had to not rip it down off the vile thing we like to call the internet..and I sat there crying and wondering what people would say - or how they could possibly even come up with things that were okay, let alone GOOD for my photo.
Comments came. Lovely comments. Like all of the other comments on the photos.
And while they were nice...my own self hatred seems to run so deep that I cannot bring myself to believe them. I look at everyone elses photos and see these beautiful women and all of the comments I know to be true - but I look at mine..and I cringe. I cry, and want to curl into a deep dark hole where no one can see my ugly face...because even though I know that all of the other comments on this groups page are true, accurate representations of peoples beauty..I feel like for me..they're just playing. They're just saying something because they feel like they HAVE to say something.
I've never been good at explaining these thoughts and my feelings on this subject to people. People tell me to stop being dramatic and ridiculous. I think that they think I'm looking for attention, or compliments - when that is actually what I dread the most. Because I don't know how to respond to them, and further yet - I feel like people are just lying to me to placate me so I stop being so annoying. They try to tell me that I'm pretty, that this, that or the other thing - but they just don't seem to get it. They don't get that it's not the words that could make it better. That no matter what they say - it doesn't sink into this brain of mine. My mind seems to have made its decision - and that's that - no matter what someone says..I don't know if it can ever be changed...because I just can't bring myself to believe it. It's been a part of me for so long that I don't really remember ever not thinking this way. How can other peoples words change your own opinion about yourself - when it runs so deep within your being?
It's just a part of me that I wish people understood - because it is such a big part of me. But most times..I keep my mouth shut and just shut up..because people don't get it...and me complaining about it..won't change that. I feel like the negativity surrounding my self esteem/image is such a downer, and makes people mad at me. So, I pretend it doesn't bother me. I stopped saying negative things out loud, and let people take their photos when necessary. Where I use to say OMG THIS IS THE WORST PHOTO EVER and then rip it apart to everyone..I now grin and bear it. Say..oh..cute..I need a copy of that. And then my mind goes to war with it, a silent but deadly war. I thought that if I just pretended out loud long enough, it'd go away. But now, the voice in my head gets stronger and stronger. Pointing out each and every flaw every time that I have my picture taken, that I pass a mirror - that I catch myself in a reflection. Still, I hide it all in a place deep within me..because it makes me even uglier then I already feel I am. So I guess it really doesn't even make sense to talk or write about it..because it's just me..babbling and complaining about something that I don't know how to change - or even know if I can change. But still, here I am. Which is why I've been sitting here for four (going on five? or rather, six? Let's just go with most of today. If I ever get the balls to post this. WHY IS THIS SO HARD??) hours debating whether or not to press publish. Because as much as it explains a lot of the insecurities that run rampant throughout my brain - it's also comes across as petty, ridiculous and a little absurd. Which is just a few of many reasons why I've been debating writing this post for months.
I really was hopeful that by putting myself out there..maybe I wouldn't hate photos of myself so much. Maybe I'd see something that other people swear they see. That maybe I wouldn't hate how I look QUITE so much..but it seems that this hatred..runs deeper then even I thought.
...It just seems that no matter what I do..I still can't seem to love the face staring back at me in the mirror.