There'd Be Days Like This My Momma Said..

There are so many times in my life where I wonder if I'm way too young for certain music. Music that moves me, that I love. That touches me and makes me want to dance and live life fuller, deeper, with passion. Music that was created in a world I wasn't around for, and thus can't TRULY understand...and then I wonder how I'm so in love with that music and why music like it can't keep on being created in todays day in age and why I had to miss out on it when so much music these days is just...yanno...what it is.

Well. Actually. It's just that I was totally born in the wrong era.

You see, my parents were all "let's wait FIFTEEN YEARS before we have kids" and thus, I was grew up in the 90's with some Backstreet Boys, Brittany, Spice Girls, NKOTB and other stellar groups like THAT...instead of being born in the early 70's when they GOT married and music was full of AWESOME SAUCE.

Which..I mean...I get. And I wouldn't be me, and they wouldn't be them and life would be SO drastically different in so many ways (Holy crap. I would be like, FORTY. Instead of TWENTY FIVE. Weird.)

But really? All I was jonesin' for when I was a kid was a little..oh I dunno...The Monkees. The Beatles. The Beachboys. Buffalo Springfield. Tracy Chapman. The Four Seasons. Van Morrison. DYLAN. A little bit of Joni Mitchel. Oh how I love the Joni. I sat at home and poured through my parents record collection from the 60's and 70's and my brother and I rocked out to classic tunes like there was no tomorrow.

It was awesome.

And it was NOTHING like music today.

But I digress, WHATEVER.

I basically loved anything that was made when I was a small child or before.

Alas, I had to wait until I was old enough to stop caring about what people thought about me and listen to whatever the heck *I* wanted to listen to.

Which is, quite frankly...a whole bunch of random oldie goldies that are AWESOME.

There are days when I love a good pop-esk dance song.

There are songs that I'll sing along with on the radio..

There are even SOME days when I'll listen to country..as long as it's not TOO twangy.

But oldies? Classics? Mellow music with REAL words that's genuine, classic and revolves around pure, raw talent?

Now that's what I'm all about.

I was totally born in the wrong era.

Silly hippie parents wanting to travel the world and live an awesome life before they had kids. Really..what were they thinking? THERE WAS AMAZING MUSIC BEING MADE, FOLKS.

Favourite oldies from the 60's and 70's? Do share, I need to update my playlist with some classic AWESOME.

Aaaaaaaaaaand....GO. (Please!?)

I'm the Queen of the world. Obviously.

Every now and then (or rather, this one time..ha.) I logged in to a program that tells you the stats of your blog. I put it on there just out of curiosity. I logged in once when I made it, and then promptly forgot about it.

Then a couple months later, I was all - OooOOo YEAAAAAAAH. What about that thingymabober dealio? 

You know, the one that tells you stuff.

I then proceeded to waste entirely too much time googling 'the-thingy-ma-bobber-that-tells-you-stuff' - which let me tell you...tells you a whole lotta NOTHING. Well..unless you were interested in a ton of search results which were entirely useless and not at all what you were looking for. The internet should really get better at reading my mind.

So I finally refined my search terms and figured out what I was looking for. 

Found it.

Spent entirely too much time trying to remember my password.

Especially since it was the same password I use for blogger.

Which I PROBABLY did to make it easier on myself.

(Doh.)

And then I logged in.

And I looked around. 

I was all...oooooo! SQUIGGLY LINES!

Squiggly lines are super fun. Doncha know. 

Then I was all...OOOH! NUMBERS!

But then I remembered that I hated math and was all OOOO. NUMBERS.

(Note that the exclamation points were removed. That means numbers are no longer something to be happy about.)

And I looked around and started clicking things at random.

I did this for a while, until I realised that I still knew nothing, and was (yet again) wasting my time.

I had no idea what any of the numbers meant.

I have no idea what a bounce rate is.

I don't think that I CARE what a bounce rate is.

But I clicked around aimlessly - and then I saw a number that made me go WHAAAAAAAT

Looked a little like this.

And like I said before, I know nothing about math. 

But clearly, if your blog is up approximately 15000% of ANYTHING...it clearly means that you're super popular and awesome.

And I was all - I don't need some silly thing-a-ma-bobber internet thing to tell me THAT.

But then I logged back in a few days later to see if I was still OMGLYKESOSUPERPOPULAR

And I found this:

(Super crappy pic off my phone..doh. Didn't realise it was that bad until RIGHT NOW.)

And I was all - Aw darn. Peeps don't love me anymore.

But then I realised that the google program was probably just a big stupid head, because going up 15000% would be a bit of a stretch. 

And besides, 93% of 15000% is still probably like, a ga-jillion percent.

Which probably means that there is one person on the internet who visits this blog.

Or something

I don't know, I told you - I don't do math.

For all I know, it could be ELEVENTY MILLION new followers who all who plan on worshipping me and making me the next queen OF THE WORLD. 

Or something equally as awesome. Like proclaiming cupcakes to be a healthy breakfast alternative. 

Being popular, even by default of programs being messed is SO awesome. I can feel it already. 

So I'm just going to wait for my grand coronation of queen of the world. 

As I wait for the REALLY important thing - the copious amount of cupcakes that I can only assume comes with the gig

If you need me in the meantime, you can find me googling 'thing a ma bobbers that tell you stuff that doesn't make your brain explode'.

I mean what else do you expect? 

Refined search terms are totally where it's at. 

There's a light at each end of this tunnel - You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out..

I woke up this morning, with lyrics running through my head.
A song that I love, but hadn't heard in so long.


'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

Sometimes - even when you don't know what to do
When do you don't even know what YOU need anymore..
You just need to remember to breathe, just breathe....

Gone Going...Gone Everything...Gone Give A Damn..

Disclaimer: I just re-read this and it sounds depressing as hell. Just wanted to reiterate that I'm fine. That I'm not crazy. Well, I'm not really fine. But I'm not crazy CRAZY, per se either. I think. Maybe. I've been thinking about these things a lot lately - they're not spurred from any ONE thing..just the compilation of EVERY thing. So, I've been crying it out and just needed to let my fingers vomit all over the internet. Alas, this internet vomit is pretty crappy. Such is life, I make no apoloigies - I'm just stating it like it is. Like always, I'm not writing for anyone but myself.

Sometimes it's hard to be positive.

Especially when you're trying to be positive in the sea of a world of...crap.

I am just failing to see the point these days.

The point of...life, society, the world...anything.

What's the point of making relationships, when they will only be ripped from your hands before you know it?

What's the point of making an effort, when bad things happen anyway?

What's the point of trying to do things, when you get nowhere?

What is the point of being happy, when sadness will overtake you before you know it?

What is the point of living - when life just ends up being sad and miserable in the end?

What is the point if we all end up with heartache, pain and sorrow in our hearts?

I keep trying to remind myself that it's not all bad.

I keep trying to find the good.

I keep trying to enjoy the little things, before they slip away again.

But then I look around me and all I see is sadness, pain, suffering and death.

And even those little moments of happiness are hard to bare - because I know that they're fleeting.

It's hard to see life moving forward.  It's hard to make decisions. It's hard to just keep breathing..when the weight of the world feels like it's sitting on your shoulders, about to crush you at any given moment.

What is the point of having a family, of having friends, of LIVING - when in the end..it's all just destroyed anyway.

It's fine while I don't think about it.

It's okay when I just pretend.

When I can put it out of my mind and pretend that things are okay.

But it just doesn't make sense anymore.

Life, that is.

And this is why I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts.

Even surrounded by people, I feel so very alone.

Lost in a sea of sadness and despair.

The mind may very well be the most dangerous weapon known to mankind.

The Longest Days

There are ninety one days until my little brother marries the love of his life.

I am so happy for them. I know that they are perfect for each other. They are each such wonderful people, who still manage to bring out the best in each other.  Their love is like the love of my parents, like the kind of love that I hope that I will be able to find one day.

But still..I sit.

And I cry.

And I worry.

I don’t worry about the dress. Or the shoes. Or the food.

It will all work out. It will be what it is. It will be fine, in fact - I know it will be wonderful.

These are not the things that matter, in the long run.

What matters is the passing of days.

Ninety one days.

So many, but so few.

Few for a bride and groom who have a lot of things to plan, to do.

Few left to tie up all of the things that still need to be done.

But many - oh so many - for the brides mother, who has been struck once, twice, three times with cancer.

The mother of a girl I went to highschool with. The mother who my own mother nursed back to health. The mother of the love of my brothers life.

Third time is a charm, they always say.

This time, I'm terrified that it really is.

She beat breast cancer, despite most of the women in her family having succumb to it.

She beat lung cancer, despite all of the odds being against her.

Now, it’s back.

Again.

This time it seems...for good.

Palliative care. Nothing else that can be done.

They can slow it down they say...but that’s about all they can do.

They can give her time.

Who knows how much.

Will it be enough?

....How is it ever enough?

So I’m willing the days to be good days.

I’m praying that this mother gets to see her little girl marry the man of her dreams.

I’m crossing off days, and wishing, dreaming, hoping...for more.

Always more.

And I’m holding my own family a little bit closer.

Dreaming of a life that is a little bit kinder.

A little bit longer.

A little bit more compassionate.

A little bit...more.

La La...(B)La(h.)

I'm around in the blogosphere, I swear.

I'm just swamped with work.

Also with my mind. My mind is a little bit of a jerk. It likes to play games with me and make me want to punch it.

I also just got home last night and am super exhausted from le conference - up way too early and to bed way too  late for that many nights was just not a good combination.

I've been reading blogs when I can..but doing a lot of skimming too...hoping that there is nothing TOO exciting that I'm missing.

I've got about seven bajillion posts started in my drafts folder.

And about eleven kajillion more in my head.

But everytime that I sit down to write, I sit here with a blank look on my face.

Right now I'm sad. I'm surrounded by papers I need to organize. I'm angry, and I just want to scream - but I'm so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start. I'm confused, I'm tired and I just want to curl up into a ball and pretend that bad things don't happen and that world is still an okay place.

Which is really hard to do.

And  is not a very good place for me to try and be writing or pretending to be happy.

So if you need me - I'll be the one sitting in the corner with a cup of tea, listening to soothing music trying not to cry.

Here Clyde-y Clyde-y Clyde

The conference that I'm at is pretty big. It's composed of thousands of farmers spread throughout the entire province who all come to learn, share resources and better their practices and their farms.

They also come and make it into somewhat of a working holiday. They gather with old friends. With like minded people. And they get together and catch up during breaks, before meetings, for meals and the like.

And that's when the RIDICULOUS comes out to play.

Meetings, workshops and what have you are held in a couple of different hotels as well as on the university campus. This morning I had to go to a workshop that was being held at one of other other hotels in town and because my Dad was one place, and my brother another - I needed to grab a ride with someone else from our hotel to this other hotel.

Not really a big issue...I meet up with a group of people carpooling over at the lobby this morning, and we head out to the parking lot. I'm directed to the car I'll be travelling with...a van actually. In which Earl and Burl are traveling.

I chuckle to myself.

Stereotypical hick names - oh life, why must you just hand me awesome on a platter?

Then they open the door and are like "Oh yeah, don't mind Clyde - he's just along for the ride"

And I'm all "Huh? Whose Clyde? I haven't met a Clyde yet"

And then I step in the car and realise that I'm sitting beside a CHICKEN.

A chicken who was very nice, and polite and friendly - but none the less..a CHICKEN.

A CHICKEN NAMED CLYDE.

And they're all just acting like it's completely normal and I'm all  - DUDES - THERE IS A CHICKEN BESIDE ME.

So I try to get over the chicken. We drive around to the hotel, and then go in to our meeting. Later, this guy named Phil walks by with a danish and someone is like..oh..how are they danishes? And he's like "I dunno, do you think chickens eat pastry? I gotta go feed Clyde..he's getting hungry" and then proceeds to have an entourage follow him as he feeds his pet chicken a danish because the guy who was supposed to pick him up and bring him food hasn't showed up to take him to his new home and there is no chicken feed at the hotels to be found. FUNNY HOW THAT HAPPENS.

So we go and visit Clyde here and there (turns out chickens heart danish pastry - who knew?) during our breaks and such..and it somehow comes up that there are some awards happening tonight at a banquet (that I wasn't going to because I had to go to meet with the president of the farmers market organization) and one the awards is this statue of a chicken. Well, it's a new award...and a little bit of a gag trophy. Farmers like to think they're funny.

Spoiler? They're not usually quite this entertaining.

So talk about this gag trophy arose, and then talk of Clyde arose.

AND THEN TALK OF SWITCHING CLYDE FOR THE TROPHY AROSE.

Which clearly meant that farming men were scavenging their trunks looking for ways to dress him up.

Enter...the tie.

Brian found one of his kids ties in his car and suddenly - Clyde was all dressed up and ready to go.

...We almost died of laughter.

And the chicken? Well, he was strutting around like he was hot stuff.

Which really - when you're a chicken wearing a tie? Is pretty much the epitome of hot stuff.

I'm pretty mad that I didn't have my camera with me.

And didn't think of using my phone for photo ops until the fun was long over.

So I give you this.

Which is basically what happened.

But you know, in cartoon form.

Bawhaha.

Now picture basically that.

But REAL and clucking and strutting like he's the best thing that has ever existed.

And that's what is happening at the farming conference.

Next year, you're all invited.

Farming is optional - awesome hilarity - totally required.

Tidbits From The Brain

Between family this weekend, and a conference this week - I'm at the computer very little...which is nice in a lot of ways..I feel as though I've been a little bit too 'plugged in' the last while, and need to unplug the computer, phone, etcetera so that I can focus a little bit better. I've been in a weird place the last little while, and I really need to get my head back on straight. That being said - being around so many people has given me SO MUCH MATERIAL for le blog. Seriously. My head is EXPLODING with stories. EXPLODING I SAY. Alas, most of them require their own blog post and cannot be summed up in a brief little snippit. For instance, I'm catching a ride to another hotel for my particular pre-convention in the morning. With two people I met this afternoon named EARL and BURL. Yeah. IT PRETTY MUCH WRITES ITSELF, DOESN'T IT?! So what was I saying? Oh right - when there are lots of things happening and material writes itself - that's when you're wishing it really WOULD write itself because HOLY CRAP YO - Life is too busy to even THINK about typing!

This whole finding the time to spew it all out thing? Not exactly happening. Luckily though, I've been writing down ideas/sentences/etc. So I'll have a whole backlog of awesome for you. It's coming - aren't you just sitting on the edge of your seat?!

....

.......

...........

Anyone?

...No?

I'm all alone here?

Yeah.

Okay.

Erm.

Awkward.

Well - to any of you still out there in blogland, here are a couple of things that are flowing through my brain before I go to bed. A few little tidbits, if you will.

1) Reading about the Earthquake in New Zealand that happened on February 22 2011, when it is still only February 21, 2011 here. It's like I can read into the future. In a bad way that makes me sad. But in a way that makes me feel like I'm rather powerful, because holy crap dude - it's the future.

2) Farmers and their ridiculous bad jokes. They all tell such ridiculous ones that make you chuckle in that 'omg, I can't believe I'm laughing at this' kind of way. That's why they try to feed you the wine and the beer - 'cause it makes their jokes seem funnier. Don't underestimate a farmer - they know the psychology babble. Or you know, the powers of alcohol.

3) Did you know that wild turkeys sleep in trees? I'd never really questioned it before, but for some reason found myself googling 'wild turkeys' while we were chatting on the car ride here today - because the question of whether or not they slept in trees arose. I also googled tractor tricycles, Hugh Jackman, german octopuses (octopi?) and zombies. We had an interesting car ride here.

4) Speaking of interesting car rides - when I wasn't googling things...I danced and sang a lot on the way here - which was super awesome, don't get me wrong - but my talents were totally wasted on those who really do not appreciate them nearly as much as they should be appreciated. Asking me when I'm going to stop is REALLY different then applause. Regardless of what ANYONE says. For real.

5) Waking up early is stupid. 'Nuff said.

Ha.

I'm way too tired to be amusing.

Or even put forth a half hearted attempt to even consider myself relatively amusing. People are probably sitting at home going 'what the heck, bring me another vodka, this lady still doesn't make any sense and isn't even telling other peoples funny stories - WHY AM I STILL HERE?!' right about now.

Which is probably my cue to go to bed.

You know, making up not only a readership - but also voices and characters for them?

That's going a little far. Even for me.

But just in case, for you out there - who MIGHT *actually* come back. Trust me, you're gonna wanna - I've got the most ridiculous overheard dinner story you've ever heard.

Enter: CLIFFHANGER.

The Little Things

We've had a bunch of company this weekend.

A cousin from Boston and her boyfriend.

My cousin's friends' from university.

And then - family get togethers and the like.

It was busy.

It was crazy.

It was lovely, in a lot of ways.

But I'm ready for things to go back to 'normal'

Ready for people to go back to their respective homes.

Ready for things to be a little less busy, and a little more on schedule.

Ready to get back to normal, and feel a little more comfortable in my own surroundings.

It's not that I don't love having company - but it's a lot of work and effort to clean, cook and entertain.

To try and arrange everyones schedules and please everyone.

To not be able to do what you want to do, when you want to do it.

I love them, I love entertaining and it's been a great weekend - but I'm ready to take a deep breathe and sink back into my quiet little existence, our regular little routine and the peace and serenity that I hadn't even realised came with it.

Funny how sometimes it's the strangest things you never would have thought that made you appreciate that little things that make life what it is.

A Love Letter

Dear Canada,

I know you don't want to hear this..but it's necessary that we communicate our feelings or our relationship is going to suffer - and nobody wants that. 

You give me lots of things, you make me really happy...most of the time. I really think that you're cool - and don't get me wrong - your BEAUTIFUL. But sometimes...I just don't know about you anymore. I mean, as the months and years go by and our little fling turns into something more serious - I start to question how serious YOU are about our relationship.

I mean..who wouldn't love a place that gave you Timbits and butter tarts? Or 2-4's of a beer named after yourself? Or a place that takes pride in understanding the phrase "Excuse me, you could please pass me a serviette? I just spilled my poutine on the chesterfield because my toque was covering my eyes"*. I mean, it's not rocket science - who wouldn't understand that? But just the fact that I can say it here - LOVE.

I love collecting Canadian Tire money (even if it takes me years to buy a pack of gum) and think it's kind of funny when people leave out the 'u''s in words. Thanks to you and your great land, my french is stellar. Well, as long as you don't go outside the realm of cereal boxes and will accept me putting 'le' in front of English words as French. Or only knowing random ridiculous phrases**. Which, FYI - I totally do.

Thanks to you, I (and many other children) got fit and had fun with Hal and Joanne. We called pasta with powdered cheese Kraft Dinner and you taught me to call it Zed, not Zee. And I'm pretty sure that it's ALL you that has ingrained putting EH? at the end of A LOT of my sentences.

I also love that you've given me milk in a bag - not a jug. Because milk from a jug is just..weird. I love your healthcare too - at least in theory - and the way that we sometimes can pretend that the Queen is ours too. I like being able to drive on a highway, not a freeway - and I don't care what anyone says, Mr. Dressup is Canadian in my heart. There were so many greats you created - from Sharon, Lois and Bram to Robert Munsch - there's seriously no doubt where I get my awesome from..it's in my nationality.

Oh - and don't worry - I know you produced the guy who invented the lightbulb. I know Edison is all 'Yo peeps, I totally did that' but I'll never forget the actual story that he bought the patent for the lightbulb from a Canadian, changed it a little and took the credit. Trust me, I've got your back dude.

Between inventing the lightbulb, basketball, hockey, duct tape, insulin, standard time, snowmobiles, walkie talkies and TONS of other cool things...we should probably be ruling the world right now.

And while all of these things are great, and make me love you a lot..

..I have to admit that I have a bone to pick with you.

Yeah. You know what's coming.

WINTER.

I mean you're great - I really love you - but this winter business? It needs to stop. 

NOW.

I don't know if you can see it - but it's seriously damaging our relationship. 

So I'm going to put forth this proposal...

I know it may seem tough - but it's either me...OR winter. 

I don't know how much longer you can have us both. 

Take your pick.

It's your choice.

But just remember: I'm awesome. Winter is cold and ew. 

Easy choice? I thought so too. 

Looking forward to you bringing spring on tout de suite*** and continuing our lovely relationship for many glorious years to come! 

Love, 

Me

*"Excuse me, you could please pass me a serviette (napkin)? I just spilled my poutine (DELICIOUS cheesecurd/gravy mixture on top of french fries) on the chesterfield (couch/sofa) because my toque (winter hat) was covering my eyes"

** Example: The family I lived with in Switzerland spoke a lot of french. I heard a lot of C'EST SUFFIT MAINTENANT! which BASICALLY means "THAT IS ENOUGH NOW" aka - STOPPIT - OR ELSE. And they thought that I couldn't understand when they spoke French. Ha. Proved THEM wrong. Suckas. 

***Note the random French. Ridiculous vs. Awesome - it's a fine line. 

Selective Creeper Love

Note: I wrote this last night. And then forgot to press 'publish post'. Probably because I was creeped out to the max. STORY OF MY LIFE.

I do my best thinking while driving in the car. I don't know why, I just do. It's kind of like my brain is just running non stop. A little bit like how this blog runs too. (Odd coincidence? I THINK NOT)

So I was thinking about how I do my best thinking in the car, and how odd that is - because a car is a fairly complex thing to operate. You've got to work the lights, the windshield wipers, the radio - oh yeah..and that pesky gas/brake/steeringwheel combo - UGH! Don't even get me STARTED on those. And not only THAT, but then you've got other cars, small lanes, large trucks and PEDESTRIANS - for crying out loud - that's just about almost insanity. 

(Contrary to what it may seem..I'm actually quite a good driver. (*knock on wood*) I've only ever put my car into a ditch once. Well, it was actually quite terrifying and I almost ended up in a lake. But the GOOD part of this scenario (or rather, the part that made me feel better about myself) was when the tow truck driver came to pull me out of the ditch/almost lake at 8am, he was like..oh don't worry! the weather today is crap! no one should be on the roads! PLUS - this is always a wicked spot! You're the sixth person I've pulled out of this stretch today! Phew. So..it wasn't me..it was the road. And I had an exam to get to - HELLO - I can't miss THAT!)

So I was thinking about driving, and thinking about writing about driving and how I do my best thinking when driving, but that's INSANE - because oh my god - how can you do anything but DRIVE when you're driving - forget texting, being under the influence or anything else - just spending that much energy THINKING while you're trying to operate a couple thousand pounds of steel, a motor and flammable liquids is ridiculous - when suddenly my cousin asks me what I'm doing. 

And I look up - and answer that I'm doing what I do every night - I think about random stuff and then vomit it onto the internet. She starts babbling on about "The Internet" (another post for ANOTHER day, trust me, I can't vomit THAT much onto the internet at once) but I'm only half listening because I'm realising that from my spot on the couch, I can see directly up two stories into the neighbouring houses kitchen. 

And I'm all - Whoa. What The..HECK. Because I've been sitting on the couch a lot of nights for the last YEAR. And never once, have I noticed that you can see DIRECTLY INTO THE HOUSE BESIDE US (well rather, YOU could probably see - I still haven't bought me some glasses - it's on my to-do list..BLEH!) so I'm getting freaked out - because if I can see this dude in his house from the basement windows - that probably means that he could see me in the basement from HIS windows, for you know, like - the last year. Enter: Erin FREAKING out. It's not like I do anything I would care if people could see - but just the fact that someone COULD - that freaks me out. I've basically always lived in the country where I can't even see my "neighbours" houses - let alone into their windows - so the fact that I could, he could, WHATEVER - that's just..creepy. 

So I frantically start googling where I can buy blinds that would fit these windows - while my cousin babbles on  - something about the internet being filled with crazy things - yadda yadda - and I'm all..Must. Find. Blinds. ASAP.

And I find some different stores, write down in my newly bought agenda that I need to go there tomorrow - or else I may never be able to sit in my spot on the couch again - and that would mean HORRIBLE things for my poor little blog.

When suddenly I realised that in order to go and get blinds to cover up the window so that the crazy guy next door can't be a total creeper I need to write a blog post so that I'm not thinking about writing it where I do my best thinking in the car while I'm driving to get the blinds. And then I realised that I can't do this, because the guy from next door might be STARING AT ME - which creeps me out - but I always write from this spot on the couch and I don't know if I can sit on the couch writing because OMG SOMEONE MIGHT BE WATCHING ME - which means that I'll probably crash my car thinking about all of this tomorrow and then you'll never know that I do my best thinking in the car. 

It turned into this horrible vicious circle that I could find no escape from.

Which is why you'll now be getting regular updates from me from the comfort of my bed.

Where I'll be living out the rest of my days, unable to crash my car or be stared at by creepers.

Except creepers on the internet.

Because clearly THEY are my kind of creepers. 

Betwixt & Between

I feel very lost these days, in a lot of different ways.

I lived on my own, and then moved back in with my parents, then moved halfway around the world, then moved back in with the parentals, then moved in with my cousin to stay with her while she was alone and pregnant, and then alone with a newborn.

Now though, she has other help outside of me. So I'm floating. Between her house, and my parents house...and feeling like half of the time, I live out of my car. 

Nowhere to REALLY call my own. But everywhere that's "home". The oddest part of this though, is that it's not that I feel unwelcome anywhere - but that I don't know how to balance between the two so that no one feels upset when I'm one place instead of the other. I constantly feel a tug and a jolt here and there - with everyone getting a little bit hurt if I'm here instead of there, or there instead of here. So I try to split myself into a million different pieces - and it just doesn't work or make sense. I promised myself that I would stop doing this, stop trying to please everyone because it's just not possible - and just when I think that I'm able to do it - I find myself wrapped up in it again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to not put other people and their well being ahead of my own. But then again, I don't know if I REALLY want to. I do know that I do want my own opinions and ideas to matter a little bit more. Not that these people don't think they do..but sometimes I think that I do. It's just that I have a hard time expressing them. Really, it's my own silly problem.

I also feel like all of my friends are growing up, and leaving me behind. I'm the only one out of my best friends from university who isn't in a long term relationship (five years or more gets you in the club - WHAAT?!) or engaged or already married. I oftentimes just feel like I don't fit anymore, like I'm this outsider who doesn't get it - because of something as ridiculous as a marriage certificate. Which isn't ACTUALLY silly - but it's silly that I feel this way over something like that. I feel like they've all got it together. The jobs, the boys, the plans to redecorate - and I'm just flailing about..wishing I could buy a plane ticket and take off again and pretend that this doesn't bother me.

My feet are itching. Itching to travel, itching to go...but I have so many responsibilities, so many things tying me here and I just want pretend that they don't exist while I explore some glorious new place. This business and the work...they're things that I've committed to..but even though I love it..I wonder if I've made the right decision. Is it too risky? Too unpredictable? Too..hard?  I dream of Europe and the carefree lifestyle I had. I had no bills, nothing looming over my head. Sure, I had a job..but caring for children is something I enjoy...sure..they could be absolute ridiculous brats - but I always knew that every two weeks..I could take off to a new city with a friend, or stay at home and have fun with a great group of people - there was always something to do, and someone who was like minded to do it with.

Now? Here? There seems like there is nothing to do and no one to do it with. All of my friends are scattered throughout the province, throughout the globe - and I miss them. Terribly. Other friendships have come to a sudden halt...and I find myself a year later..wondering if it was the right decision. I know that it was..but time has a way of making you forget things, dulling the pain and making you question whether or not it was the right move. Especially when you just feel..alone.  Here - there are always bills to pay - from where? I don't know, but there are. Right now..it's cold - stupid cold - so instead of exploring and doing..I sit at home thinking. Wondering what life will bring and wishing I was anywhere but here.

I'm frustrated because I don't know where my life is going or how it will end up. I don't ACTUALLY want to know, I just want some reassurance that perhaps it will all be okay. If it's anything like life thus far, it will be nothing like what I expect it to be...so..uhh..that's..something.

I feel as though I'm in the oddest position I've ever been in. Where I'm in between this and that. Where I'm not quite sure where I am, or what I'm doing. Where I have no idea where I'm going, or what the future holds.

I'm betwixt and between - betwixt and between what I'm not exactly sure. But I'm positive that I am.

Ugh.

And You May Call Me Scrooge.

So I'm a little bit bah-humbug-y today.

'Cause you know - the generally super over commercialized holiday to celebrate being in love?

Not so great when you're not IN love.

In fact, I don't think that I've ever been in a relationship FOR valentines day.

Which tells you a little bit about my relationship history. Ha.

Well, there was that one time when I got presents from this boy on valentines day when I was 15, and I was all...uhh..thanks...I think?

Then a week later, one of his friends told me that he was probably going to break up with me because I wasn't a very good girlfriend.

And I was all ' WHOA! WE'RE DATING?!'

I guess that DOES make me a pretty rotten girlfriend.

But between that, and never talking to him besides having to work on a group project with him...well..it explains why we just weren't meant to be.

And also explains why a week later he emailed me telling me that it just wouldn't work out and he was mad that he'd bought me such a nice valentines day gift.* I'm not really sure how long we were in this relationship - since it was NEVER SPOKEN ABOUT. It ended with him emailing me, and me scratching my head and wondering how you can break up with someone when you never told (or ASKED) to be in a relationship with. All in all, I was a little relieved that THAT "relationship" was over.

Yeah - THESE ARE THE BOYFRIEND OPTIONS WHERE I LIVE.

So other than that memory, valentines day is just another day filled with reminders that I suck at relationships. A day where I can question what the heck I'm doing with my life. A day that makes me wonder how things will turn out, or if they'll ever turn out.

Oh yeah - and going out for dinner last night and listening to so much wedding talk about my LITTLE brothers wedding - inbetween chitter chatter about my inability to secure a decent husband - yeah, that was just the cherry on the top of the cake. Why can't people understand that I don't see the point of being in a relationship if I can't see if going anywhere - or understand that I'm RIDICULOUSLY picky and my options around here are RIDICULOUSLY limited?! Ugh!

Anyway. Happy Valentines day!

And..uhh....Bah Humbug.








*A giant fabric neon flower. Yeah. 

Wherein You LAUGH Your Bum Off.

This video..is just to thank everyone for coming out and helping me feel not quite so alone in my talking for other things, thing! And also to prove that I am not the only one that pretends to be the voice for animals. Google talking animals...and yeah..AMUSING.

It makes me laugh EVERY TIME.

I had completely forgotten about it, and then a lovely commenter talked about how she loves dialogue between cats and I was all OMG! REMEMBER THE CATS?! OOOOH!

This is just so appropriate.

AND RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME.




Bawhahahaha. So, that is all.

Okay.

So one more.

Man, I'm such an internet junkie. But THEY'RE TALKING ANIMALS, PEOPLE.



You're WELCOME.

I'm Not Crazy...I'm Just A Little Insane..

I like to talk. It's kind of my thing. I'm chit chatty all the time. Well, a lot of the time. Sometimes in new situations I get shy and scared, and then people just think that I'm rude - but I'm really not, I'm just chatty - or quiet. It's one extreme or another with me.

Sometimes though, people aren't paying attention to me - or they're off doing other things, or whatever..so I start having conversations for and WITH things that can't talk back.

Like babies. Or pets.

And then I make up all of these ridiculous voices for them, and pretend that I know what they're thinking and speak for them.

Take for instance this morning...my brother and Dad are sitting and talking about important work things...I'm distracted and bored...sooo...I'm watching the dog run around while she tries to drop her ball from her mouth and play fetch with herself and I'm all:

Heeeeeyo...My name is Sadie and nooooooobody loves meeee

Noboooody will ever play ball with me and I am le saaaad 

Even when I throw it around and tell everyone I want to play, they're all like...haha sucka, play ball with YOURSELF, FOO'!

What kind of a person calls a cute little dog like me a FOO'

That's just crazy yo! Dogs like me are awesome..when we get bored..we can totally play ball by ourselves!

I love being a dog - you can just run around all day and play with your toys and no one ever makes you do anything. I think that today, I'll go outside and get covered in snow. And then MAYBE later, I'll eat some food. Mmmm..I loves me some food. Then after THAT, I'm gonna take a nap in my favourite chair. Yeah, that'll be a good day.

I love me a good day  

Ahhh, this is the life...who cares about playing ball when that Erin girl will rub my belly...I have these humans wrapped around my paws! This is the best life EVAAAAAAAH!

And then I looked up to see my brother and my Dad staring at me.

I got a little worried, stopped speaking for the dog, and went back to my work and avoided eye contact.

'Cause you know, making eye contact with them - THAT'S what would make them think I was crazy. 

Not ACTUALLY Doing Drugs

I went to a new eye doctor today...and it was okay.

Even though I was freaking out before and peeps on twitter tried to tell me it'd be okay..I don't really like doctors of any sort. I don't really have anything AGAINST them..I'd just rather not see them and have them poking and prodding at me.

But my eyes have been really bothering me, and I've been having a lot of headaches...and you know..I haven't been to the eye doctor since I was 12.

Okay. Well. I went when I was 18..but that was after the previously mentioned balloon incident..and actually made me have a blind hatred for eye doctors because they're STUPID. So I just like to pretend that never happened.

Turns out that it was just the one who was stupid, and this new one was quite nice...and I'm still saying he's nice even though I had to shell out a cool $120 buckss to get him to shine lights into my eyes and put drops into my eyes that made me look like a recreational drug user - so he must actually be super awesome, because not many people who I pay that much money to are still okay in my books.

I tried to take pictures..but apparently my nikon thought that my eyes were effed and refused to focus on the crazy pupils..so all I've got is a lovely iPhone photo.

Before:

After:

Look like a recreational drug user much? Nope...just went to the eye doctor. All I could think of driving home was..please don't get pulled over, please don't get pulled over, please don't get pulled over.

So. The results? Not too shabby, I guess...basically what I expected. My vision isn't too bad..my left eye is crap from the aforementioned balloon popping incident which has left me terrified of balloons for the rest of life. And with good reason I suppose, since I now have astigmatism in that eye. Which is actually a little amusing because for years, I've always thought it was 'a stigmatism' like 'the stigmatism on my eye' - but no, turns out I'm just a dumbass. (Why am I surprised by this revelation..?) So my right eye has been making up for the astigmatism on my left, and while the right eye is super fab, the left one is all 'I suck, sucka!' Other than that, my eyes seem to be pretty healthy. They took some photos of the inside of my eyeball, and while I needed to squint to be able to see them thanks to the eye drops...they basically just looked like boobs. Which is beyond weird, and makes me question if the eye drops DO have drugs in them.

Besides my eyeballs looking like boobs - I need to get some new glasses..which sucks..mostly because I look weird with glasses on - AND - they cost money. Who wants to buy me a money tree for my birthday?! Oh - and these horrific headaches from hell that I've been getting? Turns out they're actually ocular migraines - HUZZAH! Fun for EVERYONE!

He told me to come back in two years, unless I was having problems before that..but with my track record? Five years at best. Which is actually a HUGE improvement on the 12 years since my last prescription.

Oh - and on a rather ridiculous side note: I've plugged my phone into my computer before...but the last few times that I've tried to do it..it hasn't worked. I shrugged it off and went about doing other things. Then today I went to plug it in because I wanted the pics of my eyes off of it..and it still wouldn't work...so I was like...Phone..you'd better plug in or ima punch you. (But not really, because HELLO..that would be STUPID.) and then I went to try and push the plug in more, just in case it wasn't really in.

And then I realised that the reason it wasn't working was because I had PLUGGED IT INTO THE WRONG PLACE.

...We'll just blame it on the fact that my eyes look like I've done mass amount of drugs and I can't see properly.

And forget that this has now happened multiple times.

Yeah, feel free to do that ANY time now.

So.

A few people read this blog.

Maybe.

Sometimes.

 I have a few blogs that I really really love to read..but I'm looking for even MORE..

Care to help a girl out?

Any suggestions?

Someones blog that you loooove to read and can't get enough of?

Thanks in advance!

Missing: My Backbone.

We've got a pretty good routine going on here most days.

I get up, spend a little time with the babe, get some smiles and some cuddles in, and then I'm off to work. 

I call once or twice in the day - to check in and make sure everything is okay, and also to (selfishly) get a little bit of baby love. He'll hear my voice on the phone and squeal and laugh and babble away to me like I've been gone for YEARS...and it's quite possibly the cutest thing ever. 

Then I go back to work and do what I need to do. 

Then I come home, spend a little bit of time playing with the babe, we read a story...then we give him a bath, a bottle and it's bedtime. Pretty simple.

Except WAIT - back up there a second.

We give him a bath, then *I* go and dress him while my cousin goes and gets the bottle ready - and THEN he has the bottle and it's bedtime. 

You see - there is a little time in there where it's just me and him.

And let's face it - having me dry off his fat rolls is not the most exciting thing in the world. So what do I do? What have I ALWAYS done? I sing. Not WELL, granted..but I do. 

And I got into a routine of singing one, specific song. Because it's cute, because he loved it and it's easy.

Turns out - I've created a monster.

From SINGING.

Does he want to be sung to when he's getting dressed, having his diaper changed or otherwise on the change table? Nah - doesn't really matter, whatever. If you sing, you sing, if you talk, you talk..if you have a staring competition - well, you'll probably lose because that kid is hardcore.

But after he has his bath?

IT IS SINGING TIME.

And you better believe me that he'll let you know if you forget.

You set him down on the change table after this bath and you'd BETTER be singing - or there is a serious problem. 

He FREAKS out if you don't sing to him while he's getting dressed after his bath. Like, SCREAMING, thrashing, so upset. Open your mouth and start singing and he's perfectly fine - laughing and giggling

Well - perfectly fine as long as you know the THIS IS THE SONG THAT MY ERIN SINGS ME AFTER MY BATH song. 

Which evidentently his Grammie didn't.

And it was her that was helping with bathtime while I was house sitting for my parents.

So she got an earful, and learned the words REAL quick.

Five months old and he has us wrapped around his little fingers.

But how could I possibly resist when he gives me the biggest, toothless grins when I open my mouth and start belting out a horribly out of pitch song from my childhood as he giggles and tries to anticipate just WHEN I will raspberry the heck out of his tummy. 

I'm so doomed in another few years.

I mean..singing songs..not a big deal...but kids? Kids are CRAZY these days - he's going to have me spending my paycheqes on the latest toys and bribing me to take him to Disney in NO TIME, if we keep going at this rate..

Note to self: Grow a backbone. Quick. 

Oui, Je suis comprends maitenant.

I took down a post last night.

Which is really something that I wouldn't normally do...because I don't write for anyone except for myself and this post was pure, raw and filled with emotion.

Except yesterday...I over-reacted. I was over-emotional..which in essence was what the post was about..but my brain had created this out of control monster filled with paranoia and intense feelings of blah.

Basically? It wasn't pretty.

Which is okay.

Except that a few hours later..I was really forcing myself to calm down and trying to do things normally and NOT freak out and I was hating myself even more than usual because even though I needed to write what I wrote, I didn't need to splash it all over the internet.

Then I remembered what my mom always tells me to do..to just go to bed, and in the morning it won't seem QUITE so bad.

So I laid in bed, attempting to sleep and turn my brain off...but I couldn't stop obsessing over the words that I had written down during my little stupid breakdown. Even though it was just some little insignificant nothing. So I turned on my phone and took the post down...I just couldn't stand the thought of putting myself out there. Being vulnerable. Opening old wounds. Of having to deal with things. Of facing the monsters in my closet that I wish I could banish.

Even though it took forever for sleep to come, it finally did.

And I do feel better this morning.

Not perfect, not great...but better than I did yesterday.

Especially since I woke up and found THIS in my inbox:

Like most things in life, Erin, getting what you want, or doing something new, or being really honest with yourself, is typically very, very hard for first timers, but then... it becomes patently, ridiculously, absurdly and preposterously EASY for the rest of eternity.

I'd say do it right, nail it, whatever it takes, because "easy" is good, and eternity is long.

Comprende?

The Universe

Stupid Universe always knowing exactly what I need to hear. 

And then EMAILING me about it. 

Lost In...Translation

So my cousin-in-law (H.) (My cousin (R.'s) husband) is home on weekends. He's South African, so English is not his first language. That being said, his English is REALLY good, and he's been communicating almost entirely in English for years now.

He does have a few little hiccups every now and then..words that he just doesn't know, or words that he THINKS he knows, and we're like 'uhh..no...that does NOT mean what you think it means..but thanks for using it incorrectly..because I can't get off the floor I'm laughing so hard'

He of course knows that we tease and joke.

Sometimes though - he just gives us too much to work with.

Take for instance last night - we decided that it was time to give The Babe his first bathtime in the real bathtub, instead of his baby bathtub. He's still really little though, so we thought one of us would get in our bathing suit and get in there with him.

Clearly I was photographer, my cousin was washer of The Babe and that left my cousin-in-law to be the one in the bathtub. Sucka.

So we kind of decided this, and then sprung it on him that yeah, he was getting in the bathtub, so he'd better find his bathing suit, because we (Erm. ME.) didn't want a show of any sorts.

So R. is getting the water ready.

I'm getting The Babe neked.

And H. is supposed to be getting his swim suit on.

A few minutes later, he hasn't appeared.

We call out to him, asking him what's taking so long..

He's getting a little bit flustered by this point, as we're telling him that The Babe is NAKED and going to pee all over everything and everyone and he'd better hurry up before the water gets cold.

He then calls back that he has no idea where his BIRTHDAY SUIT is, he just can't find it.

And we BURST out laughing.

He then proceeded to wonder why we couldn't breathe because we were laughing so hard.

FYI H. - A Birthday suit is much different than a bathing suit.

No matter WHAT language you're speaking.

Note to self: Make sure H. understands EXACTLY what you mean BEFORE The Babes bathtime or you may end up with some seriously scandalous bathtime pics.

And a whole lotta 'splainin' to do.

Sunday Brain Vomit 2.0

So.

Everyone in the world seems to be watching the Superbowl.

You know. 'Cept me.

I'm not a follower - I make my own path.

Well - that, and I just don't GET football. And I never have.

One year I went to a Superbowl party...Mostly because I had a crush on the boy who was hosting it. I then realised that even getting to sit beside said boy on the couch wasn't worth sitting through a game that you didn't understand. ESPECIALLY when said boy turned out to be a doofus.

But the food. That was good. I like the food.

Everyone also talks about the commercials - but the (ONE) downfall of being Canadian..is that we don't get to see the commercials until they're leaked online. Something about copyright BLAH BLAH BLAH. So it's not even like I can sit through the game and be mildly entertained during the commercials - you know, the opposite of what TV (usually) is. So we just get generally the same craptacular commercials that don't lead you to debate whether you should sit through the commercials, miss the game or get a bladder infection. We Canadians just don't know where it's at it seems.

But. I have been watching way too much TLC today. Which has just been marathons of Toddlers and Tiaras. Which can I just mention is BAT SHIT CRAZY. Like, I've really been so disturbed, that I've been sitting here wondering what the heck is going on the entire time. And sitting here with my mouth wide open going ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? SERIOUSLY?!

And then telling anyone that would listen that I really cannot believe this stuff.

But then I saw a commercial for some show about balloons or something, that as sad as it is, THAT actually disturbed me more.

Seriously folks. I HATE balloons. Like, almost as much as I hate cucumbers. Which is A LOT.

It all stems from a traumatic balloon popping incident when I was 18 that left me scared and the lense of my eye scarred.

I also got to wear an eye patch for a week.

Which I don't know if you know this, but when you're 18 and in your first year of university - that's what EVERY guy is looking for. A girl who can barely walk because she only can see out of one eye because her other has an eyepatch. Sad part was, it happened at a birthday party JUST after halloween. Fail.

So where was I?

Oh right. Pirates.

So we have an African Grey parrot in the house - and he's pretty freakin' hilarious.

(Pirates have parrots on their shoulders - see the connection? THIS IS WHAT MY BRAIN DOES, PEOPLE.)

So yeah. He likes to make LOTS of sounds, and has certain things that he says all of the time. He says hello when the phone rings, or goodbye if someone leaves the room and has a few other things he says, along with some random gibberish. If he sees my car backing out of the driveway, he'll say "Erin's going to work!" and when I pull INTO the driveway he says "ERIN'S HOME!" and the dogs run downstairs and start going NUTSO. He also knows his address, and when my cousin comes home from Boston he starts going "MOOOOOOOOOOOM!" "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" and when the phone rings he goes "Hello? Mmhmm. Mhmmm. Okay. Okay. Ican'ttalkrightnow Okay. Bye Byebye BYE" and then makes a clicking noise in the back of his throat.

Awesome. No?

You want examples of MORE awesome?

Okay.

So he also likes to stand at the window and talk to people who go for walks. If they're female, he CATCALLS at them. Like full out, as if he's a construction worker that has been drinking before noon who use to be a sailor who hasn't seen women in a decade or two.

It's hilarious. Especially when people who don't know that we have a parrot walk by. The looks on their faces as they try to figure out what is going on, who is whistling at them and where it's coming from is kind of amusing. Kind of A LOT amusing. They look half amused, half horrified and half wondering what kind of world they've been transported to.

Yeah. SO CONFUSED THAT THERE ARE THREE HALVES. Nuts eh?

So, speaking of amusing...did you know that I am? I wasn't so sure, but then every time that I walked into the room today...The babe started giggling like the funniest thing that had EVER happened to him was happening. Even when I did nothing but stand there. We were all a little bit baffled, but I figured - hey, I'm awesome - he just knows how funny I am.

That, or I'm just funny looking.

Whatever..I'll take it.

Baby giggles are mad cute, yo.

And on that note...my brain has nothing else to offer up.

So I give you this.

Which may make you OD on cuteness.

Or maybe that's just me.

Nah. Can't be. That's way too much cute.

And in my HUMBLE opinion, way better then the silly superbowl ANYWAY.

Which if I understand correctly - doesn't even have any sort of chips, chocolate or other forms of junkfood in it.

Which is basically the worst kind of bowl..EVER.

Perfection

Some people would claim that perfection doesn't exist - and I would have to say, that in the traditional sense of perfection, I get it. It doesn't, it can't - because it's all relative.

I've got a few weddings coming up that I'm a large part of - and it's amazing to be simultaneously working on different aspects of the three of them..because they are ALL such different people with different ideas and different perspectives...yet despite all of their differences...what they're creating, what they have - it really is all perfect.

It makes sense - but sometimes it's a little bit mind boggling, and takes a minute to get it all straight and remember who I'm dealing with. One needs you to hold her hand and gush over her, another needs you to jump in and take on some major tasks, and the other needs you to hold her coffee while she checks off her to-do list that she's already mentally ticked off in her head about 9 million times.

All easy enough - just gotta remember who needs what, and when they need to round out whatever sort of perfection their aiming for.

Here's a little rundown of what is going on:

Take for instance - Wedding One - This bride is so relaxed, it's kind of scary. Walk into a bridal store - third dress she tries on, she falls in love and buys it. We move on to shoes, walk into the third store and ta-da, there are her shoes. She found someone to marry them, and they decided to get married on their farm. She asked if I'd take their pictures - I agreed, as long as she agreed not to punch me if they're not perfect. She did, insisting that nothing is ever perfect, and that it would be perfect for them (22 years old and way too wise for me!) - so I am. We talked cakes - I sketched something out and she said 'perfect, let's do it'. We talk decorations, and she's got it all figured out, just gotta go get the stuff and put it in place. Nothing phases her - she looks at the next 'to do' thing - says what she wants, finds what she wants, and makes the decision. She just takes it as it comes and goes about her life. She knows what she wants, and she doesn't want anything extreme - she just wants a fun day or everyone to come to their farm, enjoy some good food, dance a little and have fun. She's very laisse faire about the whole thing...doesn't want to have a traditional wedding, just wants to do what THEY want, for them. It will be small, it will be intimate, nothing will be what you expect - but it will be exactly what you expect, because it will be all them.  It will be a beautiful, spring farm wedding where everyone pitches in and does their part to help out - and it will be perfectly them.

Or - Wedding Two - This bride has been engaged for a year, and has been humming and hawing over EVERYTHING for the entire year. She wants this, then she wants that. She decides on this, and then they change their mind. She wants this, he wants that, and still, there are no decisions made. Every time that I talk to her, she wants the same thing - but every time that I talk to her, she has changed her mind. She calls, texts and emails freaking out more than I could ever begin to describe, but that's okay - because that's what she needs right now. She can't nail anything down, or have anything for sure - I think because she's afraid it won't be exactly what she wants, or something better will come along and she'll be mad for committing. This week, we bought her wedding dress. There was no hesitation, there was no second guessing - she slipped it on and the look on her face said it all - it was perfect. She couldn't stop glowing and squeeing over how perfect it was. Her wedding will be beautiful, elegant, simple and clean cut. It won't be over the top, but it will be just enough to make you stare in awe. It will all come together - it just takes a little bit of patience someone there to guide her when she gets scared. Cue my entrance.

Wedding Three has got it down too though, in fact - this bride has her wedding down to an art. She's been engaged a month, and she's already booked her venue, organized the food, picked out styles of dresses she wants to try on, organized her wedding party, and is quickly getting everything done and out of the way. It's very characteristic for her, it's just how she works. She was that girl in university who when she was assigned a paper to write, would go home and write it that night - even though it wasn't due for another three months. She (thus far) is not stressed about anything, and is just going through the motions, making decisions with ease because she knows exactly what she wants and she's determined to find it. It's easy, there is little for me to do at the moment and I just nod in agreement when she tells me details, and then I smile, admit that yes, it does sound perfect, and we go on to discussing the next finite detail of her wedding to come in a a year and a half. It will be a balance between something you would see in a magazine, and the best dance party you've ever been to - this I'm sure.  There will be a mix of being at a beautiful setting with a beautiful couple with their country roots mixed in with the elegance of the got-it-all-together couple that they are.

They're all so different.

Each one so perfectly suited for each individual bride and groom

Each one so perfect, in it's own little way.

Just like each of these couples - who are so varied, who lead such different lives - when it's all boiled down - it's all just perfect - just because it's exactly the way it should be. Each of the aforementioned weddings will be wonderful, amazing and a great time - even though they're all so different. When it all boils down to it (and even though perfection is relative) each of these weddings WILL be perfect - because each of these weddings is  PERFECT for THEM..in their own amazing way...and I'm so excited to share in their day, to laugh and smile for photos and dance the night away - and even though it may get stressful or busy and there may be days when I wonder why I'm doing this - it'll all be worth it in the end.

Especially if I ever get married and it's MY turn to be the bride.

(Insert evil laughter here.)

(But not really, because I'm sweet and innocent.)

(Okay. So maybe a little laughing.)

(Okay. Maybe A LOT)

Mawhahahaha!

Mawhahahahahahah!

MAWHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH!

Live. Laugh. Love.

The funeral for my great grandmother was today - and it was probably the weirdest funeral I've ever been to.

Most of the funerals that I've been to have been sad beyond belief. People I wasn't ready to let go of, people I wish I could have just one more day with, people who weren't supposed to leave me yet.

My great-grandmother? She was A HUNDRED YEARS OLD. She was sick, she was frail and she had lived more life than most people even dream about living. We all knew this was inevitable, as is all death. We all had time to say goodbyes.  We all had time to process and grieve.

Since death is inevitable, I would say that this is just about the best way anyone could hope to go.

This in fact, has been one of the "easier" deaths for me to process, to deal with.

I however, am emotional. 

I cry easily, I can become a wreck in no time flat.

I shed some tears, I'm not going to lie. 

But I spent more time smiling and sharing memories. 

Laughing about the good times, and the pictures - oh the pictures.

Funerals are the crappiest time to see family and friends that you never get to see, and catch up with the ones that you do sometimes see - but it was good to gather in solidarity, to pay our respects and once it was all said and done - to play the 'remember WHEN...' game.

We spent much more time being thankful for the happy, lovely, wonderful memories then crying about a loss. 

Yes, of course, she will be missed. 

Terribly, in fact. 

But we have a hundred years of memories, photos, stories and love to share, to laugh over and to help us remember the good times.

For that, I am eternally grateful. 

So tonight - I looked through photos.

I poured over photos.

I laughed and smiled and enjoyed. 

And then I remembered that I need to hold everyone in my life a little bit tighter. To love a little deeper, and to enjoy every moment. To not stress over the little things. To pick my battles, and to laugh more. To not lose my temper or let myself be grumpy. To be a better person, to take more time to truly listen, and really show that I care.

Because you don't always get a lifetime with someone you love like we had with her. 

So I'm making the most of it. I'm trying to enjoy and soak up every second.

It's not always easy, of course - ups and downs come with everything - even in the best of times. 

But I'm going to try harder. Love harder. Be more, and do more.  

Because when it boils down to it - life is short.

And it is meant to be lived, enjoyed and loved - in each and every way possible. 

A List. Of Happy.

This blog has been a downer for the last little while..and I know that's completely natural when you're writing about your life - these things happen. But at the same time? I hate it. I hate the reminder to myself that life isn't always happy and cheery. I hate that I talk and think about death so much these last few days. It always seems to be on my mind. But at the same time? I started this blog to be a record, a representation of my life. And it is - it definitely is. The ups, the downs - the happy times and the sad, they're all here. It's real, it's life and yeah, sometimes it sucks - but sometimes - this life thing is also awesome. Hopefully more of those stories will be happening..soon. Fun Erin is so much better than sad, blah-y Erin.

So here is a list of things that make me happy, I love and/or am grateful for right now.

In no particular order, just as they come to me.

1) A warm cuppa tea. Something so relaxing about holding a warm mug in your hands while you sip tea sweetened with homemade maple syrup

2) Talking to The Babe on the phone  - While I'm out at work and because I've been here for a few days at my parents..I've been calling to check in. Each time I do, The Babe starts squeeling and laughing when he hears my voice. I love that he loves me so much, and that he's such a special part of my life.

3) The news - I'm ADDICTED to the BBC website and the BBC app on my phone. It's a little bit RIDICULOUS just how addicted I am, but I really like knowing what's going on in the world and feel like a better person when I'm informed of what is happening. Plus, BBC has amazing special features. I learned SO MUCH about Pandas a little while ago that it actually BLEW MY MIND.

4) Good friends. I've been emailing back and forth all day today with a couple of good friends who just make my heart happy.

5) Olives. I found a jar in the pantry today and then proceeded to eat olives for lunch. I'm pretty sure I could eat them every day for the rest of my life and be happy. Mmmm...Olives.

6) My Dad. We have such awesome chats and I love him oh so much.

7) Grooveshark.com - On demand good tunes, that will even stream in CANADA. Awesome, right?

8) Snowstorms - they show me again and again how good of a person my brother is. He snowmobiled over to our house, dug the news paper out of the end of the driveway (I questioned how they DELIVERED it, my brother said that they had gone on the snowmobile tracks - Can I just take a minute to say HILARIOUS and AWESOME?) He then plugged in and charged one of our tractors. Then he went and blew all of the snow out of our elderly neighbours' driveways. And then ours. And THEN went and did his own. Which is probably a at least five kilometres of driveway. Minimum. Plus all of the roads in between them. Without ever batting and eye or asking for anything in return. He's just such a good, all around decent guy and I love that I have such a kind hearted, good person for a brother.

9) Puppy dog kisses. 'Nuff said.

10) Reading a good book while bundled under the covers. Warm, cozy AND a book? Gimme a cup of tea and that's about perfection in my world. Plus, I'm reading this really great book right now on the history of China through three generation of women. I may be a nerd, but I LOVE it.

11) Thank yous - I love receiving them and I love giving them. I doled out a couple the other day - not run of the mill ones, but nice, genuine thank yous - just over general sorts of things, and the response is phenomenal. The art of genuine, heart felt thank yous these days is often overlooked and under appreciated  - but when received, they mean so much more and brighten up peoples day and can cause this whole chain reaction of happy. I like happy - especially in chain reaction forms.

12)  Checking things off my to-do list. Something so satisfying about ticking things off, scratching them out, getting them out of my head and one step closer to being done a list of things that need to be done.

13) Crackers and cheese - such a simple and delicious snack. One that I take for granted too often, which was proved to me when I lived in Europe - I missed it TERRIBLY.

14) Having the ability to travel and explore the world. Although the only trip I've done in the last year was Vegas, it was still awesome and so much fun and hilarious..I loved it. I'm hoping that next winter I can do a little bit of travelling either in Southeast Asia or South America while combining some good old fashioned volunteering too.

15) Chocolate milk. I HATE milk and never drink it - but show me chocolate milk and I'm all over that like it's the best thing that has ever existed. Probably because it comes darn close.

16) Dreams. In particular, the crazy dreams I have and how I always remember them - they're so crazy and so off the wall and I usually wake up dazed and confused about how such crazy things can take place in my head while I'm asleep...but quite often they make me happy and hopeful.

17) Being Canadian. We're pretty awesome as a whole. PLUS - healthcare is good, using random french as or in parts of sentences is ridiculous and ummm...we have POUTINE. And poutine rocks my socks. Right off.

18) All the good things that are to come. So many happy times, smiles, and the memories yet to be made that give me hope and carries me through the days and helps me wade through the days for the elusive light at the end of the tunnel.


So. Those are a few things that make me happy, grateful or just are good. There are many more I could write, alas, I am going to bed to get some shuteye before another busy day filled with work, a funeral and baby kisses.

Life is all about taking the good with the bad, and I'm ready to enjoy some of the good.

So - anyone stumbling across this and reading this - share with me the good in your life right now. One thing, a hundred things, WHATEVER - take a minute to share with me all the little things in life that make it worth living - and then go back to your life and enjoy each and every one of them.

Life is too short and too precious to do anything but.

For Something A Little Lighter..

Last week, I was feeling out of sorts.

Between coming to grips with things and having a lot on my plate and exhaustion - it was just a rough week. This week has been too, but I'm trying to plaster a smile on my face and make the best of it.

Anyway, about mid-week last week I got one of the worst headaches I've ever had.

I texted my best friend to tell her that there was no possible way that I would be able to make it to our  pre-arranged coffee date, and napped for a couple hours on the couch.

When I awoke, it was half an hour before we were supposed to meet - yet I didn't have a text back from her.

Worried that she would show up and be waiting for me and me seem like a total jerk for being super late, and then never showing, I picked up my phone and dialed her number.

She answered on the first ring, and I asked if she'd gotten my text.

She kind of sighed, and told me that she had. I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I asked what was wrong - was there something that she DESPERATELY needed me for right now? I was feeling like crap - but a best friend is a best friend - even if I'd felt a million times worse, I'd always go out of my way to do things for her. Plus, I just worry about her.

She whispered something into the phone.

I got even MORE worried, I couldn't make out what she had said. Was something wrong - why could she not talk?

She whispered something again.

All I caught was 'dress'.

Then I remembered.

A few days prior, she said that she would text me, to "go out for coffee" - wherein we would ACTUALLY go and try on a wedding dress that she had found and fallen a little bit in love with.

One that someone had - sitting in their closet that they wanted to get rid of. It's about an 8th of the price of the original gown, and was exactly her size AND already fitted..and seeing as though she wants to save money on the wedding so that they can buy their SECOND home, she thought it would be perfect.

So I pulled up my bootstrings, and I put on pants (UGGGGH...Yes, PANTS.) - and I sucked it up and tried to ignore my headache.

Luckily, being my BFF - she showed up at my house to pick me up, brought me caffeine and water and some little white pills in a baggie. She couldn't tell me WHAT they were, but I trusted her when she promised me that they were completely legal and that she had the original packaging at home and that I was a doofus. BFF's don't lie.  Especially about me being a doofus. That one's just obvious.

Then we drove an hour, my headache began to subside (Little white baggie pills for the win!) and we chatted. And chatted. And chit chatted some more.

The wedding. Friends - old and new. Life.

General 'us' conversation.

When we arrived, we were shown the dress.

It was beautiful.

Breathtaking.

It is SO HER, that it's ridiculous.

Her face - was priceless, and I knew before I'd even had a chance to do it up for her, that she WANTED it, that she NEEDED it.

She couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear - and she couldn't stop staring at herself in the mirror.

It was love at first sight.

A teaser - that's all you get - until the REAL wedding photos!

PS - Anyone else hate her a little for EASILY slipping into a size two with room to spare? Especially when she rarely if ever works out and loves pizza?

No need to hide it, I hate her a little bit for that too.

But only for that. Because otherwise, she's lovely and perfect and wonderful.

Ugh - So much so that I can't even hate her for being a small size two.

Damn.