Following rules is the new black. Or cocaine. Maybe both.

Every year we have a few thousand kids show up over the course of a couple weeks for school tours to the farm. They get to go pumpkin bowling, they get to go for a wagon ride and pick their own pumpkin, they run through the various mazes, they watch the pumpkin cannon and yes - they even learn a little about farming.

When they kids show up though? We do a chat before they get started. I learned the hard way that though you might THINK that some things are rather implied...They're not. And that if you don't set up guidelines - people will be assholes. And parent volunteers and even teachers will let the kids get away with EVERYTHING. Including smashing the hell out of every pumpkin they see. Trust me, it's happened.

So, I have rules.

When the kids get off the bus, they gather in a group and I introduce myself and welcome them to the farm. Tell them that they're going to have a really great day, but we just need to go over the rules first. Then I tell them that the rules are pretty easy peasy, and there are just 1, 2, 3 of them.

Next I egg them on. Get them really excited about the fact that they GET! TO! FOLLOW! RULES! and by the time we even GET to the rules they're bouncing out of their FACES being all OMGZ THERE ARE RULES AND WE ARE SO SPECIAL WE GET TO FOLLOW THEM AND WE CAN TOTALLY DO ALL OF THE PUMPKIN FARM RULES BECAUSE WE'RE SO FULL OF THE AWESOME.

(Child psychology? Yeah, I aced that class.)

So we start off all..okay..rule number one..here it goes..think you guys can handle it? And they're all YEAAAAAAH! (because who ISN'T pumped about rules?!) And I tell them that this is the EASIEST rule because they already do this EVERY DAY in their classrooms. So I go into detail about how today, my first rule is that they need to be kind and respectful to everyone and everything. And how on that farm that means they've gotta be nice to all of the PEOPLE, all of the ANIMALS and even all of the pumpkins. And they're all - HAHAH! BEING NICE TO PUMPKINS! THAT'S SO SILLY! And then I'm all...you guys think you can do my first rule? Can you be nice and kind and respectful (note how I say it OVER and OVER and OVER again. Repetitive drill + small childrens heads = my rule chats being full of AWESOME) to all of the PEOPLE and ANIMALS and PUMPKINS.

And they're like...YEAAAAAAH!

So what're you guys going to be nice and kind and respectful of today?

And they're all "PEOPLE! ANIMALS!! PUUUUUUUUMPKINS!" (laugh laugh laugh)

And I'm like - PERFECT! You guys are SO AWESOME at rules.

And they're all EATING IT UP like..HOLY SHITBALLS we ARE awesome at rules. We rock the socks off EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY RULES.

So I'm all...Okay..Rule number one..Being kind and respectful..you guys ready for rule number two?

And they're all: HELL YEAH WE ARE.

And then I break it to them. I'm gonna tell them a secret. And I get super intense. And I'm all..do you guys wanna know my secret? And they're all hooked on me like I'm cocaine. Or candy on Nov. 1st. And they're wide eyed and friggen READY to know my secret like whoa. So I let them in on the secret that all of the grownups that are in their group? They can be REALLY REALLY silly - and sometimes? They get LOST. Can they even BELIEVE IT?! So then I put them in CHARGE of making sure their grownup DOESN'T GET LOST. That means they need to know where their grownup is at ALL TIMES - because I don't want to hear about any lost grownups. And they're all? WE'RE IN CHARGE OF SOMETHING! MAN! THIS GIRL THINKS WE'RE BIG ENOUGH TO BE IN CHARGE! WE CAN'T LOSE OUR GROWNUPS. GOT IT. Rule number two. Always know where your silly sneaky disappearing grownup is.

Then I tell them it's time for rule number three. And I'm like..wait...man..you guys already have rule number one..where you've gotta be kind and respectful to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. And then you've got rule number two where you've ALWAYS gotta know where your grownup is because you can't lose them - And I sigh. And I take a deep breath...and I'm all..Man...You guys think you can handle THREE. WHOLE. RULES?

And they're all.....YEAAAAAAH!

And I'm all...Nahhh...I dunno. I don't know if you can.

And they're all NO SERIOUSLY. WE REALLY REALLY CAN.

And I'm all...I dunno...are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WITHOUT A DOUBT IN YOUR MIND SURE THAT YOU CAN DO ALL THREE OF MY RULES?!

And they're all I EAT RULES AND SPIT THEM OUT FOR BREAKFAST, YO. BRING IT.

So I'm like..okay...if you guys think you can handle being kind AND respectful....and then *not* losing your grownup...I GUESS I'll *give* you rule number three..

And little kids are fist pumpin' and so excited that I'm GIVING THEM MORE RULES.

So I get down on their level. I'm low to the ground. I drop my voice so they're STRAINING to hear me.

And then I quietly say...Today...when you guys go to the pumpkin farm...after my first two rules (and I again - REPEAT THEM) I would like for you guys to go and have lots...and lots...and lots and lots and lots AndLotsAndLotsandLOTSAndLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS (And by this time I'm counting all of the LOTS' on my fingers and getting REALLY loud) (And then I pause and on the inside the kids are like 'OMG JUST TELL US! TELL US NOW! IF YOU DON'T TELL US WE MIGHT DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) (and so I end my last LOOOOOOTS with).....OF FUN.

And they're all:

WOOOO! YEAAAAH! I LOVES FUN! FUN IS AWESOOOOOOOOOOOME! OMG RULES ARE THE GREATEST THING THAT HAVE EVER BEEN INVENTED AND WE'RE SO LUCKY THAT WE GET TO HAVE THEM! SWEEEEEEEEEET!

And then all day when I see kids around and about - I'm like "WOW - THAT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN! AWESOME JOB ON RULE NUMBER THREE!"

Or "WHOA! THAT WAS SO NICE OF YOU! You are ROCKING rule number one!"

Or "YAY YOU! YOU'VE GOT YOUR GROWNUP WITH YOU! THAT MEANS YOU HAVEN'T LET THEM GET LOST! HIGH FIVE FOR FOLLOWING RULE NUMBER TWO DUDE!"

And they're all...HOLY SHIT RULES ARE AWESOME.

And then suddenly all of the kids within ear shot of me hear me congratulating someone for follow rule number WHATEVER...and they start acting different and are all...I LOVE FOLLOWING RULES. I WANT A HIGH FIVE. I BETTER SHOW HER HOW GOOD I AM AT FOLLOWING THE RULES. And they're going OUT OF THEIR WAY to show off for me that THEY KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE IN PUBLIC and *gasp* FOLLOW MY RULES.

And I'm all...Man...world domination? I gots this. Gimme some five year olds and we're SET.